How do I approach this with DH? Money / work related.

[Flooph]

I’ll try and make this short, but there’s a bit of back story.

DH earned very well when I first met him, but as such spent very well and has never budgeted. About 18 months after we got together, he had a health scare and sold his company. We had seperate finances at this point, but it should have been enough money to last a lifetime if we were careful.

A few years later, DH was acting strangely and I discovered emotional affair and that all the money was gone (given away to kids, friends, other woman and just general frittering) We got over it with a lot of counselling but I insisted on joint finances at this point so I could see everything, and DH basically handed over the reins to me and doesn’t even have banking app on his phone now (his choice, not mine)

DH took on odd jobs, but has not been in a position more than 6 months without resigning / finding something “better” to move too / not liking a certain element of the work and walking out. During this time, I became ill and had cancer treatment, so I was off work and DH at times became my carer so his flakey jobs wasn’t really a priority.

i finished treatment this summer, and whilst still really struggling with fatigue have returned to work as we are financially fucked. DH had went back into a serious career earning well, and we were looking to get back on our feet. Until DH got let go as he took time off for a legitimate health scare (he was in intensive care for a week). He is very angry and consumed by how badly they have treated him, but he had only been there 7 weeks at the point. This was a few months ago now, and DH has done very little to get a new job. He says he has something lined up for January but no concrete start date or rate of pay. I got frustrated about a month ago and said he needed to get anything at this point so he got a job in the mean time in a factory, but lasted 1 shift and has never gone back.

Ive now taken on evening work as well as my full time job, but im exhausted and panicking and don’t know how to tackle this any further. DH becomes upset and cries and says he is failing me if pushed, or he becomes angry and says he will take “whatever” even if that’s not realistic or practical. I work to a really strict food shop budget because we need too, but DH is buying processed crap and spending almost double on food. The house is getting cleaned, the dogs aren’t getting walked, and my resentment is growing.

I don’t know how to broach this with him any more, he’s aware we are up shit creek, but seems to have no urgency to fix it. I’ve sent him jobs, and there’s a stumbling block to each one. He keeps saying it’s fine and he has this job in Jan starting, but the details are scant, and even if it does appear, that means to salary till Feb realistically.

Sorry this is long. Help? (And I suspect you are all going to be harsh, which is perhaps what I need to hear)

It sounds like you need to divorce him.

You need good nutrition and rest post cancer diagnosis and treatment please do prioritise yourself and don’t let him drag you down further.

As a minimum I would be issuing ultimatums with a timeline now.

Good luck.

Do you own a house or rent? Any kids?

I’m so sorry you are going through this op. I’m afraid it’s time to part ways. He sounds like he’s either head-in-the-sand or teetering on the brink of a mental breakdown. Either way I think you need to take legal advice and look into your options.

We rent - the house deposit we had put aside was spent during the emotional affair. We have 3 kids, none together but my child considers him “dad” and it would devastate him if we divorced.

I’ve just messaged him now and had an arsey reply saying he’s applied for jobs and will contact the January position tomorrow, I can see from his indeed account he hasn’t applied for any, but he’s not replied to me when I’ve said this.

i hate not being able to make it better because it’s in his hands, and he just isn’t doing it unless pushed, and the pushing I’m having to do is making me so resentful.

Do you want to be with this man?

How much trouble are you in financially? Does he understand?

You've both had health scares, how would you manage if one of you was out of work for a while?

What happens if you split? Will you be better off? And if you become ill will you be OK on your own?

You can't force him to get a job, you can only leave him. See which option he prefers.

I'm sorry this is so hard and you've had such a difficult time. It seems very unfair.

You have to stop him accessing the money and buying crap. You just can’t afford it. Sorry.

You can’t afford to be ill again. He’s fucked everything up once. Next time he cries and says he’s failed you, join in. Cry and say, yes, we’re fucked. I can’t work anymore.

He had an affair and pissed all your money away and you are working two jobs. Why are you wasting your time?

I would divorce him. It was over between you both anyway when he embarked upon the emotional affair. And you certainly can’t stay with him because one of your kids would supposedly be devastated if you divorce.

He is also no example of a father figure to these children either. You are working two jobs post cancer treatment to keep this sinking ship afloat. He’s not doing anything concrete to get work.

So he pissed every penny you had in the bank on his OW and you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel to bankroll him while he acts like Kevin the teenager taking no responsibly for the shit show he’s created by thinking with his dick?

Honestly is this the example you want to give your kids of how relationships work?

Why are you wasting your life running round after this irresponsible useless fucker who isn’t sorry for what’s he’s done to your blended family. How can you stand to look at him?

Youve had a serious health scare and that’s still not enough to kick the lazy freeloader into action - surely you and your DC are worth more than this loser?

Wow. So he had an emotional affair, he's chucked away huge amounts of money over the years, and now he thinks it's ok to sit around on his arse and continue to waste money while watching you work two jobs and fobbing you off with pathetic excuses. Sorry OP but wtf? Why are you still with this loser?

I had one a bit like this. I spent so much energy trying to make things better for our family unit but it turned out we were all better off and life wasn’t so hard without him.

I do want to be with him if we can get through this. He had a lot of therapy, we both did, and had worked really hard to get our relationship in a much better position after his EA. The money at the time almost took a back seat because I was processing so much other information, and it’s so far down the line I feel like we had moved forward from it almost? Our relationship is usually very strong, it just feels like it’s all fallen apart recently,

financially we are both fucked without the other, and I can’t really afford to seperate. My son has 2 more years to go until he finishes private school, and I wouldn’t want to move him now he’s started his GCSE work. We absolutely can’t afford for either one of us to get ill again, but I almost feel hypocritical as I didn’t work while I had cancer treatment, but I’m pushing him to work now? His stay in intensive care whilst terrifying, was resolved quite quickly once they figured out the problem, so his health is okay again now.

i think my issue is his attitude towards it, and my growing realisation that he’s flaky. It’s been so hard going out every day this week, I’m leaving the house at 6:30am, and he’s sat gaming or “having 5 minutes on the sofa”. He’s been able to hide his work ethic to a degree by having his own company, then having the money to retire early, then my health being bad, then his….. but now he’s running out of smoke and mirrors and I can’t ignore the disparity between us.

Seriously OP, why do you want to stay with this useless waste of space?

Another man out there ruining lives.

You're the only one trying to fix this OP.
And it's not your mess.

He is ruining your life and will continue to do so.

He sounds like a self-absorbed, selfish prick.

Our time here is too precious to be handed over to these men... just for them to smash to pieces and destroy.

Different scenario but similar ‘type’ of exH. you have different attitudes to money and responsibility & a different work ethic and he’s unlikely to change now.

Replace ‘flaky’ for ‘selfish’ as that’s what this behaviour is and sometimes it’s hard to see that when you are in it. once we separated I was able to see how selfish exh had been from the start but I just became less willing to indulge it.

Ultimately the resentment will build up that he’s not pulling his weight and ruin the relationship anyway. I think men like this have some sixth sense and they deliberately pick women who are caring, selfless and responsible so they can be selfish. Was he spoiled / bailed out by well off parents by any chance?

You have a manchild and feeling like you have an extra dependent is going to make him really unattractive to you.

He doesn’t love you. No man who cared about you would watch you work two jobs and not even run the hoover round, never mind get an actual job.

What is his plan to get you both out of this mess? Put it back on him, he crested it, so he fixes it, for as long as you’re killing yourself to keep things afloat he’ll keep behaving like a teenager.

Raise your bar, OP. Seriously.

He should’ve been ditched when you discovered the affair, not allowed to stay and screw you over.

He’s not your son’s dad. You can get rid of him without a massive fallout, probably.

He's a complete and utter waster.
I cannot imagine the stress of being with such a loser.
You will forever be parenting him.

You’ve beat cancer yet are working and worrying yourself into an early grave.

What’s more important to your child. GCSEs he can resit.

or a healthy present happy mother?

How are you financially fucked without him when he isnt working or contributing. Obviously the therapy didnt help much as he is still more than happy to lie to you (about applying for jobs when he hasnt)

How /why are you paying for private education when you are in this situation?

He doesn't sound like he respects you or has any regard for your joint future. This sounds harsh but maybe its because you let him back in after his affair so he thinks you will accept anything from him and that he has other options if needed as another woman fancied him.

What is clear is he doesn't seem to want to contribute to the life you both have and is content to let you work very hard. I couldn't put up with this especially if he could see it was causing me stress and potential problems for my children's future.

Confront him bluntly with the truth of his behaviour.

As a side point, what made you choose paying for private school over buying a property? Are you in a financial position to ever own a home? That would be my priority.

Thank you everyone, this was the kick up the bum I needed. I know it’s easy on mumsnet to say just get divorced, I don’t think we are there yet, but it has given me the perspective needed to have a bit more of a “sort this out I’ve had enough now” conversation.

private school is slightly complicated as my sons dad doesn’t pay maintenance or see my son, but will pay most of the school fees. I top up, rather than pay them all. It wasn’t as simple a choice between that or home ownership though anyway - DH had affair, I found out about money, got ill relatively quickly after that, DS started GCSEs in quick succession. DS needed stability not me changing his school, and I know it’s not the choice for everyone, but I just wanted him to have a constant through all the crap going on.

Im going to work now, but thank you all for replying, going to talk to DH tonight on the back of me texting him last night.