I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel so conflicted. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, and we have two children. There have been good times, and I still love him deeply, but there’s also been a long history of things that have hurt me. He says it’s all “tit for tat,” but I don’t think that explains what’s really been happening.
Over the years, he has physically hurt me—like tripping me over while I was holding our baby just a week after my c‑section, hurting my arm so badly I had to go to hospital, pushing me when we moved into our house, and punching the wall next to me at our wedding while calling me names. He’s thrown things at me after surgery and told me to “get on with it,” and once I was so scared I barricaded myself in a room. He’s slammed his hand in the door to stop me leaving and then told me I was the one who did it. These moments have left me feeling unsafe in my own home.
There’s also been emotional abuse. He’s told me he’s going to talk and I’m going to listen, accused me of things I hadn’t done, ignored me for days over trivial things like losing the dog’s ball, and dismissed my pregnancy illness as “psychological.” He’s told me I don’t bring anything to the table, that my job isn’t important, and even smirked while I cried. He’s made me feel like a bad mum, questioning whether I’d fed or changed the children when I had. He’s embarrassed me in front of others when drunk, and told his parents I’m controlling and can’t stand to see him happy. He’s sent me photos of dishes in the sink to shame me, written lists comparing what he’s done versus what I haven’t, and apologised only to then blame me for his behaviour.
Trust has been broken too. He’s messaged women behind my back, even his ex a couple of years ago on the weekend she was due to get married, telling her he couldn’t help but think about what their life could have been like together. He lied and changed names to hide it. He’s told me I’ve ruined his friendships and that everyone sees me for who I “really am.” Years ago he broke up with me saying I was controlling, too much, and that he didn’t love me anymore.
Even when I’ve needed care, he hasn’t been there. When my appendix ruptured, he held me but barely spoke, and I knew he was angry. After surgery, instead of supporting me, he threw a bag at me and told me to get on with it. These moments have left me feeling neglected and alone.
Despite all of this, I still love him. We’ve had good times, and I want to believe in the family we’ve built. But I also feel heartbroken, because I know he can’t be who I need him to be. My family hate him, and people have told me that if I don’t leave for myself, I should leave for the children—because what example does it set if my children grow up thinking this kind of relationship is normal?
I’m torn between the love I feel and the reality of what’s happened. I don’t know if I’m holding onto something that can’t be fixed, or if I’m just too scared to let go. I’d really appreciate honest opinions from people outside the situation.