Difficult mother, please help

[Mia8X8]

My mother is volatile and has recently called me a bitch on two separate occasions. She gaslights me and takes no accountability for her behaviour and never says sorry. By doing this, she makes me doubt my reality of the situation. I suggested that we see a therapist but she made it clear that this was because I needed help, not her. I am 35 and because of a difficult financial situation I have had to move back home. I am grateful for her accommodation, but this has been a humiliating time for me; my self-esteem is struggling and I feel that she has not helped with this. I am making plans to move out, but it will take a few months before I can afford to do so. I want to talk to someone about how she makes me feel but I can't afford therapy right now and I have some loyalty to her reputation. Does anyone have any advice for how to survive this situation?
Any answers would be appreciated.

Nothing you do will make her change.

Don't push for joint therapy if she's not receptive to it. It won't help, will upset you more, and will cost money that you need to save to get your own house

Read about narcissistic mothers, grey rock, FOG. Stay out of the house as much as you can, limit your conversations with her to safe subjects - TV, the weather. Don't offer personal information or opinions about things that are important to you. Don't agree with her when you think differently, but don't disagree either. Be bland. Be non-committal in your answers. Don't provide fuel for her. Walk away when she's abusive.

Get therapy later when you're away from her and can afford it. Proper therapy for yourself now, living with her, would be frustrating. Someone to vent to now would be useful - a friend? Or post here.

Edited to add. Expect less from her. Don't keep going back emotionally to her time and time again expecting her to support you in the way you need and think that she should if she consistently disappoints or hurts you. "Insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting different results"

Have boundaries with her - emotional and practical, even if you are living together. Be helpful, civil and respectful of her space but keep interactions superficial, don't get drawn into drama, don't overshare and entertain judgment and ridicule. And, please do talk to a close friend about this. There is no virtue in keeping all this bottled up. If they are a true friend they will be helpful, and it won't be fodder for gossip.

There is no point whatsoever in seeing a therapist with your abusive mother. She will manipulate the counsellor as surely as she has done you and make it all out to be your fault . Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is not a relationship issue. It’s about power and control and your abuser wants absolute here.

Abuse like this thrives on secrecy so you have taken a small but important step in writing about this on here.

You having loyalty to her reputation basically means you have received the Special Training to put her first with your own self dead last. She has also installed the fear obligation and guilt buttons in you. Make no mistake, she has no loyalty whatsoever to you and you have been abused by her since childhood and she is still abusing you.

Can you go and stay with a friend or family friend?. Can you get counselling through your workplace?

Where is your dad here?. Is he still around?.

You should be able to access free counselling on the NHS if you are in the UK. Maybe speak to your GP and tell them how desperate you feel, and ask if there is anyone you can talk to about your feelings. You need to emphasise that you are being abused, and have been since you were a child.

It might also be worth speaking to your local council and explaining your financial situation, and tell them that you are currently having to live with an abusive relative. They may be able to help you.

The organisation called NAPAC may well be beneficial for you to contact re the abuse you’ve suffered since childhood.

I had to move home for three months at 35, and my mother is like yours. You can do nothing other than manage/protect yourself. Read about emotionally immature parents and narcissism. Get some ear plugs if she mutters nasty things. Something that is helpful for me is difficult to describe, but seeing that my mother cannot offer emotional support so not to look for it. Go elsewhere. It’s like if you really want fish and chips, you don’t go to a salad bar. My therapist (that I had later) recommended a book titled ‘Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers’ which I found illuminating. Get out of the house as much as possible.