Untitled

[onepieceoflollipop]

I recently had quite a difficult situation with my ils.

The original thread is here

I now need some practical advice/support. (I know that lots of you are or have been in similar situations)

Basically dh rang his parents yesterday (while I was out) and as far as I am concerned nothing has changed. No apology from my mil, a muttered "sorry if I shouted" kind of "apology" from fil.

He initially rang and had a "chat" with his dad, then his mum rang back and asked when would be a good time to see us and give me my b'day present (b'day is this week).

I am still very very at what happened, in fact I am furious and livid and any other words like that.

So, those of you who end up in a position where you in effect say "no more crap" to your ils, how does this work in terms of every day or special events? I must stress that if they would even make a genuine apology on this occasion I would be prepared to let past events remain in the past. However I can no longer let them walk over me and insult me and treat my children as inconveniences.

Do you see them occasionally and be coldly polite? What about parties for your dcs, are the ils barred? What about Christmas? What about phone calls? (we have caller display and I don't answer their calls now). What do you do if the children ask can they ring their gps and your dh is not at home?

Whatever we decide in the long term there is no way that am prepared to see them over the next week or two. I am back at work next week and need to get my head round that and that is hard enough.

They are the type of people that think they can behave as they wish with no regard to others' feelings; yet like may people who behave in this way mil in particular is constantly taking offence at everyone around her.

Thanks

I would take a step back - say that you feel that it is very important for your children to have a relationship with them, but as someone said on your thread, point out that as they are not comfortable with your dc either in their house or yours, you are better off meeting in the park or whatever.

I think a restaurant would be a mare, tbh.

A park meeting would also, by default, not be that long!

i agree, tell them that they are welcome to take the children to the park - you dnthave to go then. i wouldnt set foot in their house again

We've cut fil out because he is very selfish and immature. he also made his feelings perrectly clear in an email to me when I asked him to help us out. he told us to basically get lost, but then he got arsey when dh wouldn't speak to him.
I noticed that most of our arguments were about his dad, and then the final straw came when he sent a picture in an email of himself signing the register with his internet bride. He sent it on my ds1's 3rd birthday, and it soured the day for me as I got extremely upset in front of my son. All ds got from him was a card. We didn't even know he was getting married.
Anyway, I told dh to either call him and sort it out or tell him not to bother contacting us again. Dh chose the latter, and I really do feel better for it, considering I was ready to split with dh
over it.

Oh, and my fil is also someone who thinks he can behave any way he likes, but he may live to regret that. Good luck with your situation.

Thank you for the replies.

I don't think that children need to have relationships with toxic people.

I no longer see or speak to my mother, who I think is as toxic as they come (I am sure she would disagree and say it was all my fault - but after she totally blanked me at my Gran's funeral, which I though twas a good chance to make amends, I ave no time for her at all). I don't want my kids growing up with this kind of toxic influence in their lives and as they have other lovely grandparents I dont worry too much.

But as it is MY mother I have the option to make that decision (tbh she made it when I was 12 when she chose to abandon our family) and would/could never force dh to make such a decision.

Looks like your ILs are just pretending it hasn't happened. I woudl be looking for some recognition of the problem before I was happy for me or dcs to have much more contact.

xxx hope you can work it out. SOrry I dont have more constructive advice, but wanted to post something!