What is acceptable for work nights out when you have a family?

[Spoton777]

I’ve had a partner of 14 years… we’ve had our ups and downs but in general sort our differences out pretty quickly until now.

My partner and father of my 2 young children started a new job about a year ago… up until then he didn’t have many friends and rarely did much socialising… he’s quite happy with his own space. He seemed to be going through a lot of stress at work as this was a city job and meant long hours.

Over the past year he goes out on a regular basis at least once a week on a bender after work and doesn’t come home until 1 in the morning. After that the next day he is a rite off and possibly the day after. He never wants to do stuff with the family and is generally very tight with his money which drives me nuts.

The reason I got upset recently as I’ve just come to a point where I really don’t want a 48yr old partner to be out partying all the time , sometimes with little notice, whereas I get lumbered with the kids, and have little freedom.

I do have the odd night with friends every month this is normally a show/concert or a meal with drinks but I’m back early and this always has to be pre planned with my partner in advance.

I feel like I’m going crazy but he says I’m selfish to be upset that he has so many nights out with what I would describe, all the freedom he wants and little responsibility.

Should I just let it slip and get over it.

I think anything is fine as long as you both agree to it and there is no resentment. This isn’t the case here.

I think the bigger problem is that he has clocked out of family life. Going out would be fine if it didn’t affect you and he wanted to do things as a family. He doesn’t want to do family things, so I think that’s the bigger issue.

DH goes out once a week until about 1am, but he still pulls his weight the next day even if he’s hungover. I wouldn’t be having it if he just stayed in bed all day. It sounds like it’s not just the going out that’s the problem here to be honest

So basically your partner behaves as a single man OP.

I think you need to have a very serious discussion about the future of your relationship because it really sounds as though you and his family don't count for very much in his list of priorities.

I think you should think very carefully about what outcome you want from this conversation because if he doubles down and isn't prepared to make any changes then you need to be clear if this is a deal breaker for you. Being prepared with how your finances and future would look if you were to split up would be very helpful.

Usually I would say he’s being a selfish arse… and that still might be the case but I think there’s a bit of context needed. For a city job, drinking benders can be part of the culture (not saying I agree). You’ve said he’s tight with his money, what do you mean?

If you’ve both agreed he will do the city job and the culture to better his career prospects for your family, then it’s suck it up for a few years but with communication to maybe ease the amount he’s out slightly. With this I would expect him to be paying most of the mortgage (all if you aren’t working), topping up your pension (particularly as you’re not married) and family saving. If he is hoarding all his money for himself, bills are still 50/50 and he’s not willing to spend money doing family friendly activities but still wants to go on a bender every week, he’s a selfish arse. He doesn’t value you. He’s the stereotypical middle aged man that finds he feels unfulfilled by the boring dynamics of family life and checks out using work as an excuse (some use football, golf, cycling, gaming). He’s thinking using the work excuse means you can’t complain.

Thank you all for the comments. Yes it’s a city job so I understand the logistics here. However my job has always taken sacrifices to cater for the kids never his. But I do understand he is the bigger earner nearly over 2 times my wages.

he puts more money in the mortgage but never spends money on us as a family in the now which I feel is super important. Kids don’t stay young, we will never get this time back.

to put into context, we went on holiday this year and he wouldn’t even buy the kids an ice cream that’s the tightness I’m talking about but he does put more money into the mortgage.

I think my main issue is, the lack of appreciation and the inflexibility of my own life because I’m tied by the kids.I love my kids so very much but I have forgotten what freedom is like and that’s why I resent him for it because he wants to do his own sweet thing whenever he wants with little notice without a thought of how it effects me.

No i dont think once a week to much. But would ask it was a mon-thurs so the hangover could be suffered at work and not at the expense of the weekend.

Sounds like you are a little jealous as you dont have the same opportunities to socialise, is that something you could change?

Being so tight with money, unless you have financial difficulties would be a bigger problem for me.

DH and I usually have 1 evening out a week each (1 year old), but not to the extent we can't parent the next day.
"However my job has always taken sacrifices to cater for the kids never his." - please please consider making sacrifices for a man who you not married to, it's madness in my eyes. You have zero financial protection if you split, and he gets to keep all his money. No obligation to give you any.

Putting excessive drinking down to it being a ‘ city job’ is really not the excuse you’re looking for here. I’ve worked on a trading floor and have significant exposure to all different jobs, and these people would not routinely be getting drunk and managing to hold down their job. It is highly unlikely to be expected.

How are your finances set up. What percentage of the house do you own? Why did you sacrifice your career and earnings if you are not married?

If you were married, you could divorce and get some money. Right now - you could walk away with very little. But as you are not married, no matter how long you wait, you will only walk away with your percentage of the house equity.

Percentage 35% I could probably walk away with £25000 but I know that’s nothing in this day and age.

So he's not buying his own children icecream on holiday but spends money on drinking every week. Alcoholic drinks are so expensive when out at a bar /pub /restaurant.

Above this, I'd be seriously worried about his health. No 48 years old man does well out of drinking like this especially if his body and brain take at least a day to recover enough to be a functioning helpful adult member of a family. Is he otherwise active, doing a regular sport or gym sessions? Is he eating an overall healthy diet? Because if he carries on like this, in 5 years time he will have put on a lot of weight and look quite unhealthy with blotchy skin and puffiness. His body will not be in an optimum condition to start dealing with potential issues 50 year olds are warned about such as blood pressure, cholesterol problems, diabetes, heart issues and so on.

I don't think it's ok to get so drunk every week to the extent he's useless the next day. He doesn't care about his family, about his children and about you.

How’s your pension? This isn’t looking very good for you OP. Have you made wills?

I think going out once a week is fine. I'd think it was a bit lame for a 48yr old man to be wallowing around with a hangover every week though. He really should be able to either limit his consumption or suck up the hangover at his age.

The tightness would drive me mad.

Sorry I meant £250,000 not £25,000

I have a good pension

I think with me and my DH - getting so wasted the day after is a write off - would have to be about once a year! I think he would accept that if I was sick and in bed and would bring me a cuppa! and let me recover.

Absolutely no way would he or would I tolerate that on a regular basis.

Work nights out when necessary are fine. Dh is a company director so takes his employees out 2-3 times a year, it’s a whole day and night with a stay in a hotel and breakfast the next day. Would that be acceptable every week? No.

If he absolutely has to go out every week, he needs to learn to manage himself better. Not everyone goes out and gets so wasted they can’t function for 2 days. Lots of people don’t drink at all these days. He needs to rein it in so he can function the next day because checking out of family life for the entire weekend is not acceptable.

If Dh goes out, he’s still up at 8am with the kids and takes them out for the day to give me a break since I was flying solo the night before when he was out. There is no lying around in bed being hungover. We are not students anymore. If we want to go out, we have to function as normal the next day because we are adults with responsibilities.

🚩🚩 double standards right there. Don't allow it

FFS won't buy icecreams but probably spends £100 on a night out. Ridiculous and 100% out of order.
My exh used to go out most Saturdays at lunchtime pre match drinking and sometimes come back early evening sometimes not but next day was always family day. Could have been guilt though as he was trying to get off with the bar maid every match day!
I don't see the point of your partner 😕

My ex did exactly that. He was having an affair with a woman from work.