Lack of emotional support from family

[Chester39]

In October I had the worst week of my life - I was in the middle of IVF, I was having a difficult time at work, my mum went into hospital having gone into crisis, I had a bad asthma attack resulting in me taking oral steroids, my friend passed away and at the end of the week my partner (of 8 years) and I broke up mostly due to lack of support.

During that week I had to rush to the hospital serveral times and then stay with my mum to care for her. My brother didn’t visit her in hospital, didn’t answer any of my messages updating him or asking him to sit with her a few hours when I had plans one day as she was too scared to be alone.

A few weeks after all this, I read a message on my mums phone where she had said to my brother how I needed support too at the moment to which he responded “I’ll let you off because you’re ill but please respect my boundaries and don’t bother me with other peoples problems” which was obviously very upsetting and then a few messages later my mum saying to him how proud she is that he’s her son.

My mum has been pestering me to spend Christmas at my brothers (he lives 4 doors down) and I’ve been clear with her that I just don’t want to be around him right now but that she should spend Christmas with him to see my nephew. She just can’t accept it and we had an argument via text as she just minimises what I’ve been through and sticks up for my brother. I don’t expect her to confront my brother as she would be afraid he’d stop her seeing her nephew but it’s really upsetting me that she endorses his behaviour. I’ve since realised through counselling that I’ve never had any emotional support from my direct family (thankfully I have this from my auntie and friends).

I’ve been seeing a counsellor who has talked about what would happen if I removed the “brother” label and how I feel about the relationship and if he wasn’t my brother, I don’t think I’d have him in my life as on top of how he’s been, the relationship is very one sided - they never come to visit me (don’t want my nephew around dogs) and conversations are all about them, they rarely ask about anything happening in my life. It’s been around 2 months now and I’ve not heard once from my brother or sister in law.

My expectations arent too high - I don’t expect to stay with them or for them to be my therapist but to just drop me a message of support or check if I’m ok would have been nice.

It’s such a difficult situation as I’m
now very lonely after my now ex partner moving out and especially at Christmas and I don’t know if I’m right to put some boundaries in place and not spend time with my brother or if I’m overreacting. I’ve been so stressed (plus impact of the hormones) that I don’t feel I can trust my own judgement. Out of interest, if you had a sibling treat you that way, would you continue the relationship or not?

i would try and accept him for who he is. If I couldn’t, i would distance myself. You can’t change him but can try and change the way it affects you

'the relationship is very one sided - they never come to visit me (don’t want my nephew around dogs) and conversations are all about them, they rarely ask about anything happening in my life'

Same here with most of my family. Always one way traffic - they're really not interested in me or my life. It's so hurtful and horrible. I've had a long journey towards uneasy acceptance, and therapy really helped. I've stopped running after their approval and I don't share anything important with them. I'm not available to be picked up and put down at their convenience anymore.

I'm fully estranged from my brother - I like your counsellor's question about whether you would want him in your life if he wasn't your brother. Very revealing

It's not easy OP, far from it, but it's very unlikely that they will change. It's ok to feel hurt, upset, angry, extremely sad, or all of the above!

@Lottapianos I’m really sorry to hear that. It is very difficult.

@Lottapianos @Truetoself You’re both absolutely right that they are unlikely to change, I’m ok with that. I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not wanting to see him as my gut is telling me it’s awful to treat someone like that, I’m expecting only the bare minimum but the way my mum dismisses and minimises how I feel about it is making me question myself.

'I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable not wanting to see him as my gut is telling me it’s awful to treat someone like that, I’m expecting only the bare minimum but the way my mum dismisses and minimises how I feel about it is making me question myself.'

Growing up in a family like yours / mine, you are well trained to think of others' needs rather than your own. You can find it extremely hard to trust your own judgement, or to recognise what you actually want and need - you were never shown how to listen to yourself and value your own judgements and feelings

The good news is that you can learn to do it. The bad news is that it takes time and practice! Start with asking yourself what you would say to a dear friend in your situation - would you tell her she was being selfish and overreacting? Or would you tell her that she's worth much more than this and that she doesn't have to put up with it? It's often easier to be an advocate for someone else than it is to stand up for yourself.

And keep discussing your feelings in counseling. This stuff goes very very deep, and is part of the earliest lessons you ever learned. You can change and you don't need to stay stuck in this awful dynamic forever, but it's way more complex than just following a few tips and tricks. Keep on doing the work, it's so worth it

What support did you offer when your brother has had difficulty, and have you offered support with your nephew?

I can understand you being hurt by the comment but you weee never intended to read it. There’s a reason people’s messages should stay private.

Dont make this into a bigger drama than it needs to be, and be careful that you don’t end up as one of the many people who have alienated themselves from their family because of misguided ‘counsellors’.

And treated you like what? From
what you have written he hasn’t treated you like anything, he just hasn’t been as supportive as you’d like.

Wow!

OP, do what feels right for you. You can't go wrong doing that.

I think there is a lot going on here and you should trust in the work you’re doing with the counsellor as it sounds as if they are providing helpful advice.

The one thing that’s jumping out here a bit for me is that your DM seems to be stirring the pot a bit, not respecting your boundaries regarding your DB and - obviously I don’t know exactly how ill she was in hospital but she seems quite demanding of your time. Like I say I don’t know how bad she was so perhaps it was totally appropriate that someone was with her all the time.

What will you do on Christmas if you don’t go to your DBs and your DM is there? If the answer is nothing, then you could focus on getting in special food that you enjoy and build in a walk and/or visit to some friends during the day.

She was very ill and I can understand her being scared and I was happy to be there for her but just felt very frustrating that my brother couldn’t have shared the load a bit and at least visited her.

But yes the DM boundaries situation is really upsetting me. I really don’t expect her to confront my brother or stick up for me but to just respect a difficult decision I’m making for myself during what is still a stressful time (dealing with the break up and accepting I’ll never have kids now due to my age).

I’ve told her to spend Xmas with him as I know she’d prefer to be with my nephew than me and I’d much rather be with my auntie who is a wonderful emotional support and very calming vs my mum who often just criticises and shouts at me!

@Lottapianos Absolutely, the counsellor has been amazing and had been telling me about ego states and how my mums seeking validation from my brother etc

Ive just ordered a book about emotionally immature parents and a lot is resonating with my mum.

Shes always been incredibly critical of me (but not my brother) and kicks me when I’m down eg when I got upset about a miscarriage and burnout at work last summer she started laying into me saying I give up on everything (despite having a good career, being with my prior company 12 years) and completing my life goal of visiting 100 countries! Or this year when IVF failed the first time she told me she wished I hadn’t been born, and that the way I dress and wear my hair is awful. She’s always been so opinionated about my life choice it’s just been really damaging to my self esteem and ability to make confident decisions hence why im
now questioning if I’m over reacting!

Sounds like counselling and a lot of work have really helped you which is good to hear 😊

@SandyY2K Thank you 💕

Sorry op but your Mother sounds absolutely horrible. You don’t need her in your life imo.

Sounds like she plays you and your brother off against each other in a golden child/scapegoat dynamic.

Definately don’t go for Xmas and spend it with your lovely auntie instead.

i recently listened to Mel Robbins “Let Them” on audible. It was very helpful to me. One of the core principles of the book is that you can’t change other people and you need to start responding and living your life on that basis.
Your DB has shown that he will never step up for your DM. It is likely as she gets older that she will need/want additional support. I would suggest you think about how much or little you want to do, how much/little you need to do to feel you did your duty and assume that your DB will do nothing.

@hoodiemassive thats what’s so difficult, the when she’s not being like that (which isn’t all the time) I enjoy spending time with her. I’m learning that I just can’t be around her when I’m going through a difficult time which is very sad

@rookiemere yes I listened to that one too! I feel like my eyes have been opened learning about all this. You are spot on with what you’re saying there , it will all come down to me to look after both my mum and dad (they are divorced). I don’t think I have it in me to not fully care for them if required but I should have a think about some boundaries with it before it comes to that. Thanks for the idea

@hoodiemassive thanks so much for your comment about golden child / scapegoat. I’ve not heard of this before but reading up on it tonight and sooo much of it resonates! Thanks for bringing it to my awareness!

"Shes always been incredibly critical of me (but not my brother) and kicks me when I’m down eg when I got upset about a miscarriage and burnout at work last summer she started laying into me saying I give up on everything (despite having a good career, being with my prior company 12 years) and completing my life goal of visiting 100 countries! Or this year when IVF failed the first time she told me she wished I hadn’t been born, and that the way I dress and wear my hair is awful. She’s always been so opinionated about my life choice it’s just been really damaging to my self esteem and ability to make confident decisions hence why im now questioning if I’m over reacting!"
Dear Christ, she sounds like an absolute monster! Good to see you've been pointed in the direction of scapegoat / golden child, I was getting definite indicators of that from your posts.

"thats what’s so difficult, the when she’s not being like that (which isn’t all the time) I enjoy spending time with her. I’m learning that I just can’t be around her when I’m going through a difficult time which is very sad"
Could I suggest that as the family scapegoat, you have been trained to be overly grateful for any crumbs of affection that may fall from her table? That you're misinterpreting relief (at not being actively attacked at that very moment) as enjoyment?

"it will all come down to me to look after both my mum and dad (they are divorced). I don’t think I have it in me to not fully care for them if required but I should have a think about some boundaries with it before it comes to that."
I think you should talk to your counsellor about that and get their help in setting up the strongest of boundaries; to the point that you can turn around to your parents and say 'I'm not going to throw my life away being a carer for people who don't really care about me, so I think you need to talk to <brother> about that'. Because when you say you "don’t think I have it in me", remember that this is because you have been trained - groomed - to think that way. It's not you thinking that, it's your mother drip, drip, dripping that thought into your ear.

((hug))

@WhereYouLeftIt yes I think I do need to consider boundaries with my therapist. I really struggle in general putting boundaries in place as a people pleaser and to keep the peace. It’s frustrating that me putting this boundary in place ie not seeing my brother right now has resulted in my mum and I falling out so all I’m learning from her is that it’s not ok for me to have boundaries.

I’ve just bought a book about adults of emotionally immature parents and a work book to do some work on myself so I can try to be stronger in dealing with them but for now I just don’t want to be around them which is very difficult when I’m feeling incredibly lonely following my break up after 8 years living together

So why are you bending over backwards for your mother if she’s like this?

your brother seems to want to keep her at arms distance himself. Your brother has a boundary that he is maintaining, follow his lead and do the same

do you have the funds to spend Christmas or new years elsewhere. Sounds as if you could use a reset away from everyone tbh.

@beAsensible1 i get that bit she was very seriously poorly, adrenal crisis is life threatening and it was very scary.

yes I’ll be spending it with my auntie (mum’s sister) who is very lovely and supportive. Shes nervous about my mum finding out though.