DH and MIL ignore FIL

[wordywitch]

My FIL is not the easiest man to be around. He is one of those old men who talk only about themselves and drone on and on without noticing the person they’ve cornered is bored stiff. He is otherwise harmless and a decent man, although he used to have more of a temper and could have outbursts from time to time. DH is not close to him but is civil and they’ve never fallen out they just have minimal contact and it’s all through his mum.

MIL has outright admitted that she is not happy with him and should probably have left a very long time ago but she thinks she is too old now and doesn’t want to upset her nice life. The problem is my FIL’s health has recently started to decline somewhat, and she is clearly agitated about having to care for him and make allowances for his limitations now. She is unsympathetic to his chronic medical issues which I have empathy for as I’ve had health problems myself. I find it uncomfortable sometimes how clearly she resents him and I know it must be an awful thing to feel trapped in a loveless marriage, but am I wrong for thinking that if she’s chosen to stay with him that she has to accept that this involves the ‘inconvenience’ of caring for him?

The actual problem I’m posting about that involves me is that when we see them, my DH and MIL, who are quite close, will ensure that they sit together at dinner, talk only to each other, and always stick me down the end with FIL so they can have a good ol’ time and I’m forced to listen to his monologue until I can make an excuse to get up. I don’t mind chatting to my FIL, it’s not that, it’s that my DH makes no effort to talk to his dad but expects me to, same with MIL. AIBU to expect them to include him (and me) in their conversations more or at least take turns chatting to FIL? I find it very rude when they do this. I have brought it up to DH several times now and he promises to do better next time but then nothing changes.

Maybe you should stop meeting up. Let him meet his mum in his own of that's what they both want

It is rude of them, they’re just using you. Not acceptable from your partner. Just tell him to arrange to meet MIL on his own.

Just let DH go on his own from Now on, i wouldnt go.

I agree, why do you go along if you know DH and MIL will be chatting amongst themselves and leaving you to babysit FIL? I would just let DH go by himself. It's nothing to do with you if MIL and FIL are unhappy together, it's not your job to intervene in their family dynamics. Just opt out and let them get on with it.

Tell your husband that he needs to sit where you sat last time they visited. Is DH going to put any effort at all into caring for his father?
It's not somebody I would want to be married to.

Do not allow yourself to be used as a buffer here.
I would not be feeling too sorry for FIL here even though he had health problems. Neither his wife or son can abide him and they’ve known him a lot longer than you have. However, they are both kow towing to him and his mum is staying with her h for her own reasons.

God my STBEXH could've written this about my family, expect I don't ditch him with my dad, I usually end up sitting with him instead and getting talked at.

I feel sorry for my dad RE his health problems, but he's massively leant into them and now won't do anything to help himself, like doing the physio exercises, or lose weight, or use a walker. I don't have anything to suggest other than speaking to your DH about getting left to babysit your FIL, that's not really on

Yes I suppose I can just stop going to visit but I would like to maintain some semblance of a relationship with them, especially on the occasions my teenage DC go as well. DH does visit them without me as well.

I do this to DH. I've had 50 years of my lovely but boring dad talking to me about history. DH enjoys it more than me so I stick him with dad.

No, they shouldn't use you as a buffer. But you should also have a lot more sympathy for them, dealing with someone who isn't just boring from the sounds of it. Sounds like he was emotionally abusive.

Sorry I’d just suck this up if it’s not too frequent. But I find boring conversation quite soothing in a way. Requires minimum effort. I award myself a cup/glass of something nice as a reward. Does he do anything like crosswords or jigsaws, could you do them together?

Tbh I hope your MIL gets professionals involved in caring rather than doing it all herself and risking becoming abusive to him herself.

Had MiL become ill first, would FiL have stepped up and been a good carer?

Be careful you don't find yourself 'volunteered' by DH and MIL as FIL's carer. I would stop seeing your Mil and FIL. Your DH is being bloody rude and continues to be so, despite being told. Distance yourself and let DH go visit them alone.
I repeat, make sure to be clear to DH that you will not be doing any caring unless that's what you want. I suspect that DH and MIL will draw you up a caring rota without consulting you. Nip this in the bud.

I think the situation you describe with your MIL and DH having a good time, whilst you are left with FIL talking to you - whilst all at the same table - is really strange! I would certainly reduce the situations where this occurred, I would also tell DH to please agree seating in advance and he needs to include his Dad in conversations as well. If you do find you are getting stuck with FIL again could you have some topics of conversation ready that include all of them? So I'd say to MIL "FIL has just mentioned you went to the garden centre last week, was it all decked out for Christmas?" Then she either ignores you or has to get involved.

I personally found my Dad much easier to chat to than my Mum, but of course never excluded her and made an effort.

Yeah I agree that they have their reasons for disliking him. I’ve had my own issues with him in the past and understand why they have a difficult relationship. I guess I just think you either address the problem / feelings or you play along and don’t just outright ignore someone and force other family members or guests to ‘deal’ with him. DH and his mum’s chosen method for coping with anything unpleasant is to ignore it, so I shouldn’t be surprised really 😬

He loves a jigsaw but he doesn’t do them at dinner obviously, and it’s when we’re having a meal that they always seat me next to him and then turn to each other for a catch up. Like I’m the babysitter. I know it’s not the end of the world and it’s only a few times a year, but I do find it a bit odd and rude. The least they could do is rescue me from the monologue after 45 minutes 😄

Let him sit with his mum I hope my boys feel that way about me when I am older, the fil can bore off !!

You are completely minimising what a life time f being around the FILs behaviour and the damage that has done to his relationships. If he was aggressive he is lucky he has anyone still around. No one has to be nice to people who were emotionally abusive to them for long periods of their life. I think it is your expectations that are off here.

"am I wrong for thinking that if she’s chosen to stay with him that she has to accept that this involves the ‘inconvenience’ of caring for him? "

Yes, I would say you are wrong on that, tbh.

But the main question you asked wasn't about that, so wrt that... I would raise this with my DH and ask why the fuck he thought it was my role to babysit his father? At these meals I would make a point of repeatedly getting their attention and addressing conversation to them. And before we sat down I would say "ooh I think I will sit here" and refuse to sit at the end with FIL.

Shouldn’t you take your own advice here? Either address your feelings or play along.

That’s precisely what I’m doing. I’ve spoken to DH about it a few times and how it makes me feel but nothing has changed so far. So my choice is now either not go or accept that they will palm FIL off on me, clearly. I just wanted to get some perspective about whether I’m unreasonable to find this behaviour a bit off.

I think you back away and put him in a situation where he is forced to engage. Dh is like this with MIL. He’s a lovely person and she’s lovely enough as well. But he had quite a traumatic childhood (alcoholism and lost his dad young) and finds it really difficult to have a conversation with her. Literally if I leave them alone, they just go on their phones and not speak and wait for me to return and do all the talking. It drives me nuts. So now I orchestrate as much alone time as possible for them. I won’t go on days out, Dh has to take the kids and meet her on his own. And I find jobs to do when she visits.