How do I know if he’s the one for me

[Bottlesofrumonthewall]

Hello all,
I’m feeling a bit conflicted about my current relationship and I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for, but I’d love some perspective.
I was a virgin when I slept with my first boyfriend. He had told me he didn’t have sexual experience. I took that to mean he was a virgin, and I wouldn’t have slept with him if I’d known he’d been with someone else. Not because it’s “dirty,” but because of my own health. Looking back, I feel he misled me. It took me years to feel okay about that experience, and I suffered with health anxiety.
Since being with him, I have had short dates with other men but we usually stay friends.
I started dating him again, but it’s casual. We do seem to “get” each other. We generally get on well now, and we’ve started thinking about the ages we want to have children after about 5 or so years. Obviously, no decisions about that now, but it makes me wonder: how do I know if I want to spend the next few years with him, or if I should look for someone else?
I really like him, but we keep arguing and struggle with communication. I’m aware that every relationship has challenges, but I don’t know how to fix these problems or whether that’s even realistic in the long term.
Has anyone else been through similar feelings re evaluating a relationship while thinking about the future? How did you decide what was right for you?
Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

You're just not that into him. Definitely do not have kids with him!

You can never "know" he's the one for you. You can think it, you can want it, you can believe it with all your heart, but you can never know it.

Short of having a crystal ball, loving someone, committing your life to them is a gamble, and a very high stakes one at that.

So while you can't know for sure you're onto a winner, you really do need to make sure you're stacking the deck as much as possible. And that mean picking up on red flags and then actually listening to them.

So, first red flag - You feel he misled you about in order to get you to sleep with him. Now, while I don't particularly think that anyone owes you their sexual history other than that they're STD free, you still ended up feeling betrayed and it took you years to get over it. Either he misled you intentionally, or you're just not great as a couple at communicating successfully. Either way, big red flag.

Second red flag - You don't know whether you want to spend the next few years with him. As a previous poster said - "You're just not that into him"

Third red flag - At no point in the above have you said that you love him.

I'd say your odds are dropping like a stone here.

As I said at the start, you can never ever know whether someone is "the one" for you. But by a few months in, you usually know whether you want them to be "the one".

If you don't know that by now, then they're not the one.

If you're already "arguing and struggling with communication", do not have children with him!

He's not the one for you, OP. Set yourself free and find someone with whom things are easy.

It sounds daft, but when you know you know.