Advice needed, I'm not sure I know how to do this!

[Nellnor]

Hi all.

A bit of background, I met my ex husband in a shared house when I was a teenager (he was older) got pregnant, moved in together properly, Married at 20, had a few more kids and stayed married for about 15 years.
Then we split and I met someone new a year later, was with him for 5 years, lived together for about 4 and half of them.

Basically I've only ever known long term relationships where I've lived with the person for the majority of the relationship. My marriage wasn't a happy one and the second relationship started amazingly well but the last year or so it was awful and he was unhappy and took it out on me, I ended up leaving him.

I've been single for just over a year. I've dated a few people but either not liked them enough or I've ended it because I couldn't see a future with them.

I've now met someone wonderful. We both really like each other. It's been a almost 2 months now.
We are both out of long-term relationships however we are taking it slow and we also live about an hr away from each other. We see each other maybe once or twice a week at the moment. We haven't introduced family or friends to anything.

The issue is I don't know to this works? I know it's healthy to take things slow and I really want to take it slow, I like my life, my freedom etc and I have kids so I need to do this slow and steady but I've never been in a relationship where it hasn't been full speed ahead from word go and we've just taken our time! It feels weird and I feel like my nervous system is freaking out. Not because of him, he's great, I trust him (as much as you can trust someone new!) but i just feel like a fish out of water that doesn't know what to do! I'm totally over thinking it!

How do you just let things progress naturally without looking into the future or worrying about how it might work in the future? I feel like I can't get too attached or let myself fall for him in case it's too good to be true!

It sounds so stupid but it feels a combination of amazing and beautiful but strange and scary all at the same time.

I think the probkem is you've not taken the time single. Truly single. No dating or anything. You identity seems to be intertwined with men and you've not taken the time to find out who YOU are. The uneasyness comes from feeling like a spare part because you're not attached to a man.

You need to take a time out to figure out who you are. Now, potentially you could keep dating during this time but I feel...there's no other way to say it - you're not healthy right now. There's something missing. And it's not a man. You're in free fall, scrabbling for something to grab hold of. Because the fear of really SITTING with yourself is too great. But you need to do that work.

Now I'm not saying you need to address things in therapy, though, it might be a wise move. But you do need to learn to be comfortable in your own presence and, develop and understand of who you are SOLO. Maybe take up some hobbies. Go on a solo holiday or two. An adventure trip where you have to rely on yourself a little might be a good idea. A good few years just you.

You're like a jigsaw puzzle and rather than trying to complete yourself with a random puzzle piece from a guy like a quick fix, you need to do the work, take the time and space and complete it yourself with your own two hands.

Stop looking for a man bandage to fix you. You gotta do the self work.

Sounds to me like you're doing fine, OP.

If you've been dating other people, but ended things because you didn't see it going anyway, I don't agree with PP that you're scrabbling for a man.

It sounds like both of you want to take it slow, which is healthy. It will be frustrating sometimes but just re-frame this as delayed gratification!

I have to disagree with you on that I'm afraid. I am happy single but I do like men and I do enjoy being with someone, I ended things with a few guys because it didn't feel right.

I know exactly who I am, I have a hobby that fills my life alongside my children.

I don't think I need to find myself or that I'm missing anything.
A partner is simply a bonus to life.

I'm just saying this situation is a lot to get used to when I've only ever known full blown committed relationship.
I agree that I probably haven't experienced a healthy start to a relationship and that is the main issue I think but I wouldn't say I have a unhealthy relationship with myself.

I can see that how we are doing things is healthy and sensible but it's so different to what I'm used to.

Massive overthinking @Sodthesystem

OP you sound like you’re doing just fine, I guess don’t fall into living together seems to be the key

I felt like this. I met DP about a year after my marriage ended (only serious relationship). We have a lovely relationship - live a similar distance apart, see each other alternate weekends. No plans to move in or move forwards any time soon. At one point I did say I needed some kind of gesture that he’d like to move forwards at some point in the future (he agreed, like me, he’d like to live together and some point and open to getting married again). It’s been 3 years now and I’ve settled in to our routine and not worrying about the future too much. I’ve always been a planner so it’s strange but currently it works, I love his company and he makes me happy.
It may be worth looking into some talking therapy about how you feel - it helped me a lot.

Stop trying so hard to quantify it would be my answer. You've got the distance as a natural factor putting the brakes on the relationship a bit, so you're not going to end up living in each others pockets, so just stop thinking about the future and enjoy the relationship for what it is. Learn to enjoy the anticipation of seeing him, rather than letting it stress you out.