My husband is awful at gifts and special occasions.

[ZPurple]

I'm really upset, maybe because we argued and cancelled my birthday lunch, but also because I feel he makes zero effort with me or the kids for Christmas and birthday. It's always down to me to plan and buy everything.

It's my birthday today and he bought me a throw, an orange throw covered in foxes. AITA for being annoyed at this? I did tell him I wanted 1 of 3 things, neither of which was a wooly throw which goes with nothing in our home. Plus it's not my colour at all if he wanted me to wear it. I haven't told him I hate it yet. I just said oh thanks. Clearly he knows I don't like it. He'll just tell me I'm ungrateful.

We just had my daughter's birthday as well, I organised everything, gifts, party etc. Christmas is coming up and I swear I'll buy him a revenge gift..maybe some itchy jumper covered in frogs.

Am I being unreasonable?

I was ready to tell you to just sack in the surprise element and tell each other what you want, but it seems you've already done that and he has ignored your request! It is silly of him to have gone rogue when you gave him a list to choose from. I would also, with kindness, perhaps have a look at how you dealt with the disappointment because both arguing over a present and cancelling an event because of an argument seem like overreactions to me. I can see an opportunity for some honest, open communication here.

Actually our argument was yesterday about something different..we were supposed to go out for lunch yesterday as he's working on my actual birthday. He doesn't know I don't like the present.

I did all the Christmas shopping, took the kids to get him presents/cards. He didn't even write a message in the card for me btw. Also he didn't ask my kids to write a card or get anything from them. It's just a serious lack of effort in lots of areas of our relationship.

My DH isn't great at presents either but I don't let it bother me. I just give him links to exactly what I want and ask him to buy a couple of things from the options. I think it's best to accept it rather than make it a hill to die on provided he is great in other ways. I always plan and buy everything much like you, but I don't get hung up on it at least it's then done well :)

This is good advice. It’s taken the best part of 50 years to train my DH about present buying. Yes, there are gifts other than ‘an improving book’!
I’m afraid managing festive preparation is still an ongoing project. But at least, as said, you know it’s done to your standards.
As with other things in life choose your battles, it leads to harmony.

My DH is pretty rubbish at present buying too and I've always been the one to do all the organising/buying stuff for kids Christmas and birthdays. But he has his good qualities too - he works hard to provide for all of us, I've not been able to work as I care for our severely disabled son. He brings me a cup of tea in the morning, sorts out the bins and work that needs doing in the house. He's kind, supportive and makes me laugh. He's stuck around through all the tough times in our 35 year marriage. Sometimes you just have to count your blessings - I know men who do all the sending red roses and buying jewellery etc but aren't actually very nice people.

men are only rubbish at buying gifts if they think it’s not their role to be good at gift buying. My DH is a thoughtful gift buyer because we have an equal relationship where he can’t get away with being below par because “he’s a bloke”.

What makes someone good at gifts and someone not good at gifts? Effort and thought. You have to apply these to buy a decent gift. That is choice. No one studies for a qualification to make them good at gift buying.

Has he changed since before yiu married?

Join the club. At least he is better with Christmas than birthdays. With mine it's due to how he was brought up. No fuss over birthdays. In my family it was the one day of the year when we were made to feel special and spoiled. I've lowered my expectations and tell him exactly what I want. Still often get something tacky but tell myself- it's the thought that counts. At least I now get a card even if it's from the corner shop.

I dunno, I'm not that great with gifts either, and I'm a woman. Occasionally amazing, often not great. I do think really hard about it, but it doesn't come naturally. DP is pretty good.

I do like a list though. He should follow a list. And do the other stuff, like birthday cake and going out for lunch etc.

I think not being good at presents is forgivable on the grounds that no-one is good at everything. But this is only true if he makes up for this weakness in other areas.

If you're saying he's actually falling short in multiple areas/not putting any effort into the relationship then that's a different issue.

I agree with pp that this is something that pretty much any man can master if they cared enough. At least when the women has given some hints or pointers.

In OP’s case you provided a short list of things that he chose to ignore. So it actually took more effort to disregard your list and think of something else completely different to buy you ?

It looks a bit like he is being disrespectful intentionally at this point. What was his reason for ignoring your list?

If he wanted to, he would. Clearly a man that doesn't care enough (about you, the kids, what you think of him) to listen or do the bare minimum.

I think it’s time you buy him hand cream as his Xmas present. Next year a candle. He’ll get the hint.

Has he always been like this? Have you only just noticed?

Either you knew he was bad at gifts and still married and had kids with him, or at some point he changed for the worse. If it's the latter you can talk about it. If it's the former... shrug.

I'm not great with gifts and don't really consider them important. DP is the same. We take each other out for fancy dinners on our birthdays instead and njust do token gifts. That's called compatibility.