My husband is a people pleaser

[yolopp]

Morning,

Wondering if someone can shed light on why I'm so annoyed!

My husband is a chronic people pleaser and it's starting to do my head in. He absolutely hates to be seen to let anyone down/cancel/rearrange plans - don't get me wrong, this is all admirable stuff but he often does it as the expense of his health or mine. I have several examples but they're probably quite outing on here. At the minute, his mother says jump and he says how high. Often times it's not cancelling a plan even if sick etc etc.

I absolutely love that he is a man of his word but I absolutely hate that he can't say no or have any kind of boundary. We are both people pleasers to some extent but he is guilt tripped into so much that it has spilled out into other areas where he just can't say no or change a plan in case it offends.

I'm so frustrated and I just can't separate it in my head. Would this frustrate you? Do you have experience of this? How do I get over it? He will never change, he's nearly 50 fgs! Thanks

@yolopp is the real issue, for you, that he can't say no/set boundaries with his Mum, specifically?

His mum is a common continuous people pleasing situation. Making him feel bad for not popping in etc but he's like it with everyone and everything

I have struggled with this for years until the resentment I felt made me pretty much snap.

A few things going off limited information....

Your husband was likely trained to be this way from a young age, and it's a coping mechanism to minimize or avoid real or perceived conflict. He needs to work out the root of this if he's going to move past it.

I'd point out to him that every yes to so and so comes with a no to something or someone else. If he is pleasing, say, his mother at the cost of you, then that is something he might not have considered before.

I'd remind him that people who use guilt are emotional manipulators.

This will take a lot of work to overcome after 50 years of this mindset.

Reading back you post, I'd say that you need to make it clear to him that he seems intent to please others at the expense of upsetting you.

He clearly doesn't worry about upsetting you as he does everyone else. I'd stop making it so easy for him.