My partner and I have been engaged for five years. Although we’d talked about marriage, the proposal was still a surprise as we’d been together for under a year. From early on, we agreed we both wanted a very small, low-key wedding, as neither of us likes big events and I hate being the centre of attention.
While I wasn’t in a rush to get married and I’m still not, I was clear that I didn’t want an overly long engagement or to be engaged “just because.” We’re both in our late 30s and neither of us has been married before, so while there’s no urgency, it would be nice to make that commitment to him. The legal side of marriage also matters to me as we’re building a future together and I want us both protected.
On Saturday night, while watching a movie, the topic of marriage came up. My partner had had a few beers and tends to get more intense and ranty when he drinks, so I tried to steer the conversation away because I could tell where it was going.
He said we weren’t married yet because I wanted to exclude family. I once suggested eloping when we discussed the kind of wedding we’d like because of my complicated family dynamics, but I’ve always been open to compromise and understand it’s his wedding too.
What he doesn’t seem to understand is that having a very small wedding is much harder for me than for him. He only has his mum and two sisters who are perfectly lovely and normal, whereas my family is much bigger and they’re all very enmeshed, so having a small wedding is difficult because keeping numbers small means multiple people will be pissed off, or I invite everyone to keep them happy, but sacrifice my own comfort. Hence why I would rather just elope and deal with it afterwards, but I completely accept that he doesn’t want this, so I’m happy I compromise and haven’t mentioned eloping since he made it clear that’s not an option.
I explained that this isn’t why we’re not married and that I’ve suggested setting a date several times, only to be met with “next year,” due to various life events, bereavements and house moves, etc. I also don’t want to keep being the one to bring it up.
He then said, in quite a sneery tone, that he doesn’t really care if we get married, that he can’t be bothered with the hassle of it all and only proposed because that’s what I wanted. This is the part that really shocked me, as I’ve never pressured him and have always said marriage isn’t a necessity, only that we’re both protected in some way.
He was the one who proposed off his own back. There was never any kind of ultimatum or pressure of any kind, so I’m really confused by what seems like him completely rewriting history.
I didn’t respond at the time because I was too shocked and he’d been drinking. He also said that if we don’t get married, we’ll just stay engaged forever, which I’m not willing to do. I know I need to talk to him about this, but I’m not sure where to start.
Has anyone been in a similar situation, and how did it work out?