I am being messed about by my baby daddy, need advice ladies...

[DazedEmma]

Right, not to go into too much detail but this is my dilemma: when I found out I was pregnant, I didn't tell my then bf until I had the 12 week scan (I'm now 24 weeks), and when I told him he told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and that I had decieved him keeping it from him. The true reason is I was scared in case something went wrong so didn't want to tell anyone till I knew baby was OK. Anyway, he hasn't been in touch until today. He said he'd heard from my mother that I'm having a little girl and that he regrets not being there for both scans. I told him to go somewhere unpleasant but now I can't help thinking if I should allow him in. I'm scared about doing this alone and don't know if I want him to be apart of it through fear of being alone or because I actually want him to.

Anyone with any a remotely similar experience, please advise!

No similar experience but if he wants to be involved then let him - a) it's his child too and b) you're going to need all the help you can get, and c) your DD will one day ask about her father and you're going to feel terrible if you shut him out of her childhood when it wasn't necessary.

Congratulations, by the way

Unless he is a dangerous character, which you do not say he is, let him be part of the process.

A friend of mine had a baby by a one night stand and they (the parents of the baby) found a way of managing it together. He was there for every scan, every hospital appt and at the birth he cut the cord. They are part of each others lives and have found a way to amicably make it work.

Its early days - but a good place to start talking to him and finding a way through. I know it can be hugely emotional for someone in this position, especially at the end of pregnancy when hormones are flying everywhere so 24 wks is probably a good time too!

And congratulations, having a girl is truly lovely.

Unless he is a violent nutter, I would meet up with him for a chat, and give him a chance to be involved,and also discus practical things like child support access ect ect.

Congratulations, daughters are wonderful things

Tbh, I don't think it is your call to 'allow' him to have a place in his child's life. This baby is as much his as it is yours.

Unless you think his involvement could upset your child's emotional or physical wellbeing, you should welcome his change of heart.

Good luck

Imagine this. A man you have been seeing turns round to you and says "IN 28 weeks, I am adopting a newborn baby. YOur name is on the certificate too. You do not have a choice about that. You are going to be responsible for another person for the next 18 years."

Wouldn't you feel like running for the hills?

I would.

If I were you I would accept him into your daughter's life. You should of course give him the chance to be a father - you were happy enough with the idea of him as a father until you fell out.

ok, I had a termination when I was 18, this is the reason I couldn't believe my luck at being pregnant again (majorly regretted the termination) and I was so scared something would go wrong, I just couldn't get the words out until I knew baby was fine. I know it's stupid and life doesn't work like that but at the time I was in my own little zone and just thought I'd deal with him and everything else once I'd had the scan. He isn't violent and Smug, I've only just realised how it must really look from his pov.

Has anyone been in a similar sitution and had things all work out?

My fear is, he walked away on me once, and hasn't been there since I told him so I'm worrying he'll disappear on me again and again.

Well, if he keeps vanishing, then it's the time to tell him to take a hike.

I hope the following helps you a bit Emma, as this is what happened to me.
DS dad was an old drinking buddy of mine (we did actually date each other about 15 years previously, stayed in touch sporadically and then one night we had a few drinks and got a bit careless...). When I first told him I was PG which was at about 7 weeks, the day after I found out, he was quite supportive and even offered to marry me, but luckily I had the wits to refuse. Then a couple of weeks after that he said he didn't want to be a part time father and didn't want to be involved, so I politely waved him goodbye and got on with being PG.
Then, a month before DS was born, he rang me, apologised, said he wanted to be involved etc - even offered to be at the birth, which I refused. However, I invited him round to meet DS, kept in touch with him and gradually he fell in love with DS and now sees him at least twice a week and this weekend just gone, took him to visit some mates for the weekend while I had a night on the town with my friends. DS is now 3 and his dad and I have what we call an amicable co-parenting relationship. DS also sees plenty of his grandparents, aunts and uncles etc on both sides, all of whom are cool with the situation.

SO it can be done. It's not clear from your post whether you would like to be in a couple with your DD2B's dad or not, but if not, a good co-parent relationship is great. As long as he's not an arse, he's the person who cares about your DD just as much as you do. He's the person you can ask to look after her while you go shopping or for a meal without feeling like you are asking a favour or imposing on someone. Your co-parent is family even when there is no couple-relationship at all.
Best of luck, enjoy your PG.

Congratulations on your Pregnancy, I have 2 DD and it's fab having a daughter .

Good luck with sorting things out. If you can involve him in an amiacable way I think you should. It will be a great support for you and also allow your daughter to know her dad.

Right we are meeting Saturday to talk it all through. Wish me luck.

I want him involved, but I want him to want to be inolved. I dunno, we'll see.

Good luck for Saturday, Emma.

You are doing the right thing for your daughter by giving him this opportunity.
If he doesn't rise to the challenge you are well within your rights to give him the big heave ho.
As you say, he needs to want to be involved, a half hearted dad who comes and goes as he pleases is going to be no good for you or your daughter.
He might surprise you though, and even if he doesn't you will know you gave him and your daughter the best chance of having a relationship.

Worst case scenario, and he fails to be the dad your daughter needs, you will have a wonderful daughter and the potential to be a great mother.