Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Moody again

11 replies

FedUp555 · 14/12/2025 22:15

Temp username, as I just need a rant.

Long term (over 10 years) DP is mostly very fun but almost has a split personality. He becomes extremely moody at what seems like the smallest trigger.

Tonight we had dinner with his parents, who he has a difficult relationship with. We’re all always on edge at these meals, as it’s almost inevitable that his Mum will annoy him at some point and he’ll start sulking.

This time, we’d only been there a few mins when his Mum accidentally picked up his water glass and sipped from it. He very sharply told her off, including “Don’t touch my glass!” I said “John!” and maybe something like “Don’t say that!”. He was quietly furious for the rest of the meal, and conversation was like pulling teeth. When we left, he explained he was 4/10 angry with his Mum but 10/10 angry at me when I commented. He said something “snapped in him” when I said that, and that I’d escalated things and ruined the evening. He has firmly told me since that he will never be spoken to again like that.

I replied of course that I’m not going to just sit there in silence when he’s rude to anyone. We’re still in stalemate now, hours later. Just so fed up of mountains made out of mole hills.

Not really looking for advice right now, but I just needed a rant. 😢 Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 22:18

Rant away - that's a crap end to the weekend.

I know you don't want advice, but people with explosive reactions could do worse than trying to get to the bottom of them with some counselling.

He might be moody now, but he was outright hostile and aggressive earlier.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2025 22:23

Ranting is all well and good but the underlying problem ie he remains.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting?.

This is who he is and such men will likely say they do not need or want counselling.

Please give yourself the best Christmas present going forward by splitting up from your emotionally abusive partner. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

cheeseomelette · 14/12/2025 22:27

Omg. I’m so irritated on your behalf. How unnecessary. Don’t back down on this. He is ridiculous and childish.

i am fairly tolerant but could not handle the drama of this and would call it right out. if he can’t deal with his emotions like a big boy, he needs to do one so you can find someone who can.

FedUp555 · 14/12/2025 22:31

Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 22:18

Rant away - that's a crap end to the weekend.

I know you don't want advice, but people with explosive reactions could do worse than trying to get to the bottom of them with some counselling.

He might be moody now, but he was outright hostile and aggressive earlier.

Thanks. I know. I’ve suggested many times that he talks to a professional about his anger, but he genuinely just believes it’s normal. Stalemate again.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 22:33

FedUp555 · 14/12/2025 22:31

Thanks. I know. I’ve suggested many times that he talks to a professional about his anger, but he genuinely just believes it’s normal. Stalemate again.

He doesn't want to admit it, but at least you know it isn't remotely normal. When people don't get help for themselves it can help to get counselling yourself - to help put it in perspective, give you some practical coping mechanisms... and also sometimes to know when to cut your losses if the other person is so blinkered that they cannot even consider that there is something wrong. I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do. My friend left a marriage where her partner was the explosive type about four years ago - she's never been happier.

AlwaysAFaithful · 14/12/2025 22:38

well, there’s a pattern to his behaviour and unless he is given a v good reason, he ain’t going to change it. It sounds like he needs to increase his personal awareness, understand the childhood behaviour/ dynamics that he is repeating and generally grow the fuck up. I’m irritated on your behalf 😠

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2025 22:39

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on this behaviour. Another red flag here is that he gets angry at his mother too. He hates her too and such men hate women, all of them.

He does not presumably treat his work colleagues with such outright contempt so you need to ask yourself why you are still with him. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. If could well be you’ll be in the self same position in a years time further ranting about him.

Neveranynamesleft · 14/12/2025 22:45

Get rid, life's too short.

FedUp555 · 14/12/2025 23:00

Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 22:33

He doesn't want to admit it, but at least you know it isn't remotely normal. When people don't get help for themselves it can help to get counselling yourself - to help put it in perspective, give you some practical coping mechanisms... and also sometimes to know when to cut your losses if the other person is so blinkered that they cannot even consider that there is something wrong. I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do. My friend left a marriage where her partner was the explosive type about four years ago - she's never been happier.

Thanks, I really appreciate you not going for the simplistic LTB response - all too easy to say and really not so easy to do. The only friend I’ve really confided in about these issues suggested the same as you. I know it’s the right thing to do, but even finding and arranging to see a counsellor is too easy to avoid when things settle back down and you’re having a good day again!

It’s particularly challenging to discuss anything to do with his parents with him. He claims he was abused as a child, but by that he means smacked in the 80s (which I’m not condoning, obviously, but it’s not what I typically associate with the word). So any time I “defend” them, I “don’t understand” etc. I’ve admitted that I don’t really understand but said that I do appreciate he’s really struggling with his emotions about them and - again - that maybe speaking to a professional would be the best way forwards!

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 14/12/2025 23:09

FedUp555 · 14/12/2025 23:00

Thanks, I really appreciate you not going for the simplistic LTB response - all too easy to say and really not so easy to do. The only friend I’ve really confided in about these issues suggested the same as you. I know it’s the right thing to do, but even finding and arranging to see a counsellor is too easy to avoid when things settle back down and you’re having a good day again!

It’s particularly challenging to discuss anything to do with his parents with him. He claims he was abused as a child, but by that he means smacked in the 80s (which I’m not condoning, obviously, but it’s not what I typically associate with the word). So any time I “defend” them, I “don’t understand” etc. I’ve admitted that I don’t really understand but said that I do appreciate he’s really struggling with his emotions about them and - again - that maybe speaking to a professional would be the best way forwards!

It's definitely hard and you're constantly fighting the 'but why the hell should I be doing the counselling when I am not the one behaving like this?!' feeling. Which is also totally true. But it can give relief to be backed up by a professional who can give you coping skills but also tell you when you shouldn't be coping (read: putting up with) certain types of behaviour. But also, as you say - it's not always like this and when it's not then I am sure that things are great, that's valid.

I totally don't believe in throwing in the towel without having tried things, unless you are in significant danger, which it doesn't sound as if you are. You sound like a very supportive partner, trying to work through where his challenges come from and how you might help. But if he's not doing anything to resolve this (other than making excuses - which it kind of sounds as if he might be doing to me?) then getting counselling just for you, for a breath of fresh air, for an alternative perspective, might be really useful. Sounds like a new goal for 2026 maybe?

LeavesOnTrees · 14/12/2025 23:12

I wondered if he'd had an abusive childhood from reading your OP, and yes he did.

Is he willing to talk more about his childhood and the negative affects this is having on him as an adult ?
I'd make it clear that his anger is something that is risking him losing your relationship over.

Personally, I wouldn't meet up with him and his parents together again, as you'll end up as the emotional scapegoat each time.
It's something he needs to work through and decide if he wants a relationship with his parents or not and what boundaries to put in place. I would advise you not to defend them either.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page