long distance break up take

[allymcbeal1]

I met someone from Eastern Europe in England 10 years ago. He lived with me and my son for 2 years and it was great but had my sibling living with us and the pressure meant he returned home just before Covid. We kept in touch regularly and still loved each other. I arrange to visit last Christmas but had a panic attack and couldn’t go. I apologised and he hasn’t spoken to me since or reached out since.

The issues stemmed from me having to remove my sibling from my home and focussed on that this year as well as being a good solo parent and looking after my self and my health. I feel he was LOML and now situation different would love a reconciliation but fear it so too late.

If he was the love of your life, you'd still be together. "LOML" doesn't ghost you. It's been a year, it's time for you to move on.

Think he was very hurt and embarrassed as he told his family etc I was coming.

It's not an excuse. You don't just ghost your "partner" out of embarrassment. A grown adult simply says to his family "something came up and she can't come" and then makes sure you are well looked after.
If he is so hurt that he can't bring himself to talk to you, then he is a man-child not capable of clear communication and is not interested in maintaing a relationship.
I am very familiar with men from that part of the world and I can promise you they are emotionally constipated children trapped in grown men bodies with a hefty dose of disrespect for women. You can do better.

I think if you were strong enough he would understand but he hasn’t which tells you he isn’t the right one, it’s been along time now since Covid started, he chose not to stay with you back then, it’s time to move on and find someone here.

I think a year without any contact would tell me everything that I needed to know. There will be other people you make a connection with. Other people who wouldn't cut you out of their life due to one failed trip. Maybe look for that connection closer to home, particularly as your life is here with your child.

Thanks for replies above. I really value objective perspectives.

He presumably knows how to contact you.
Communication isn’t difficult.
If he wanted to he would.
It’s over OP.
Move on.

Yes know you are all right. Wish me luck!

I was long distance with DH for a long time. I'm afraid if he had last-minute decided to not visit me at Christmas, I would not have seen him again either. People are allowed to have boundaries. And that is his. It's been a year. That IS communication.

That’s harsh but true

And I do think LD is really difficult if one of you has kids. I didn't at the time. Much easier to drop and visit on a whim.

Sorry.

Think long distance is an issue always when something happens as you can’t just see them. I had a panic attack and a physical breakdown after doing Xmas for the family and carrying a lot of responsibility. He knew about my very toxic family situation. I would have liked to explain that better to him but respect his boundaries and decision. I spent this year removing them from my home (one of hardest things I have ever done) to free the way for my peace and his return but he’ll never know. But am finally free of family and can move on with my own life with my DS. At least my home situation won’t affect future relationships.

I also had to move mountains to get my ExH to have my son for a few days 😞

I agree with this.

I would probably have dumped someone who was all set to see me and my family at Christmas and changed their mind last minute. I also think anyone who came on Mumsnet to say she was in an LDR and was due to meet her boyfriend and introduce him to her family over Christmas, and he changed his mind over a panic attack, people would tell the OP ‘He’s not that into you, he needs to be more resilient, he’s a catfish, he doesn’t care enough to get on a plane, dump him.’

It wasn’t changing my mind I couldn’t physically drive to the airport but as I said he has free will and made his decision which I accept and respect.

And there should be no judgement about that at all. Equally he can decide it's not for him. There's often a feeling that someone needs to be blamed for relationship issues. But sometimes it's just one of those things.

He could have talked to me and I could have got a later flight etc and talked me down from the panic attack but that’s all what ifs. This is over. But it still hurts.

There’s a line in a Taylor swift song 🎵’I have a bad habit of missing lovers past, my brother likes to call it eating out of the trash’🎵

and I think there’s truth to it. If situations don’t work, respect has been lost and things have changed then don’t go back. Don’t let yourself fixate on it because it’s gone and the version you wanted isn’t going to materialise… it’d just be rubbish now.

Thanks everyone. I needed someone sound perspectives.

I have been trying to make sense of this and my question is would you in the circumstances have lost trust and forgive the other person

What do you mean by that?
Would we lose trust in a partner who disappeared when you had a panic attack? Yes, absolutely.
Would we forgive him for that? Also yes, not because he's done a marvelous thing but because not forgiving meaning never letting a relationship go. And it's been a year. Heck, I forgave my ex for cheating on me and breaking up with me over a text message. Because I am simply not letting him dictate the rest of my life with this behaviour. Wishing him all the best regardless. As far away from me as possible.

If you are asking a question whether I would forgive someone who had a panic attack. Well, I wouldn't be angry with them to begin with. Would I forgive them for having a complicated family arrangement? If I wanted to be with them, I would work with them together to find an alternative not buggered off half way across Europe.

It doesn't matter how you look at this situation. It's never been a relationship because there is no sense of you two working things out as a couple. Accept it and let it go.

I agree. Fundamentally it takes two people wanting to work together. He was fully aware of the stress I was under and without communication you can’t do anything. I would forgive and speak but that’s me. I also removed the people around me that affected our relationship when he was here (my sibling and another mum who was interfering in my life). I have accepted the situation and am letting go. I am sorry to hear about the cheating OP and admire your mindset and resilience.

what I mean is the causes of my stress and panic are no longer in my life so don’t think panic attacks will reoccur