Is this the end of my relationships with my family…

[Cherryblossom200]

Hello,

I’m hoping for a bit of advice please. I’ve recently turned 50 and I’m a full time single mum to a lovely little girl.

My issue is my relationship with my sister, her husband and mainly my parents - mum mainly.

My mum had a troubled childhood, she was brought up by her father who worked the majority of the time. Sadly her mum passed away when she was 8 during childbirth. It’s tragic and utterly heartbreaking, something I don’t think she has ever processed properly and inevitably passed down to me and my sister. We are very much a neurodivergent family. I’m almost certain my mum has adhd, possibly my dad too or autism.

My sister is 4 years younger than me and was always the favourite. She suffered with childhood epilepsy when I was 8 and my parents love and support automatically went to her. I just became invisible and learned to be independent and cope on my own. My sister and my mum were and see are inseparable. I struggled deeply with feeling inadequate and felt fairly unloved. My parents had a very turbulent relationship and argued a lot, sometimes it was physical and I heard it all when I was in bed.

When I turned 17 I met a bad boy and we just did lots of recreational drugs, it was how I escaped from life. We moved in together and bought a house and lived a some what normal, yet at times unhappy life. Both of us had our childhood trauma issues and therefore it became toxic like my parents.

My sister continued living at home, in face she never left home. My parents bought two houses and she lived in one, pretty much rent free. She then met her now husband who moved in with her, they had a son together. And there is the issue, he came into the family with no money of his own into a house which belonged rightfully to my family. My parents just let him live there and never asked them to move out. So now the house belongs to them. My sister and her husband has everything handed to her on a silver plate. When she had her son my parents gave her money to stay at home rather then go back to work.

I never said anything, I lived in London and barely had a relationship with my family. It felt easier that way. But then I met someone who left me when I was pregnant and my sister gave me a portion of money from their house as a deposit for a home for me and daughter. It’s nowhere near as much as their house is worth. They have a three bed and I have a two bed.

It all sounds very petty, but the act of my parents just giving my sister a house I’ve never really gotten over. It just cemented in my mind the unbalanced love between us. My sister is very entitled and has everything done for her. Where as I’ve worked hard for what I have, determination to do things the best way I can.

I walk to work, my mum drives my sister to work (I live further away from work than my sister does). My daughter has ADHD and my sisters son is autistic. They both required tutors, I pay for my daughter’s tutor which is £30 a session. I found out in the summer that my parents pay for my nephews tuition. I was beyond angry that my sister would accept money from my parents when both her and her husband work. They take and take! I was mainly angry with my mum for giving the money to them considering she knows how upset I am about how unequal things are.

My dad has dementia and life isn’t easy for my mum. But I struggle to have empathy to any of my family because of the trauma of what happened in my earlier life. I’ve always tried being close to my mum and wanted the closeness, but the feeling of being second best is what’s completely messed up our relationship.

Life was always easier when I kept my distance as it didn’t open old wounds for me. I’ve considered just doing Christmas on my own with my daughter which would be a lot nicer in a way.

Am I wrong for feeling like this?

You are not wrong to feel as you do.

I would keep your distance from them all going forward. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

People from dysfunctional families end up
pjaying roles. Your sister is the favoured golden child whilst you have and remain scapegoated and ignored. This dynamic is commonly seen in narcissistic family structures. Your mother and sister are carbon copies of each other.

There is nothing here to suggest your mother or father are neurodivergent. She is far more likely to have some form of personality disorder instead and she is certainly a product of her own disordered upbringing. She had a choice however when it came to you and she chose to ignore and or otherwise mistreat you. That’s entirely on her and it’s not your fault she us the ways she is.

Do Christmas on your own with your daughter. Be around radiators in your life, not drains. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and take a look at the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages. Consider also therapy re them but interview a therapist carefully and at length before choosing such a person to work with.

I'm in a similar situation op. Younger sister was the favourite, and very much babied. Lived at home until she was 30, then again with her kids in her mid 30s.
Parents give her money, practical support, expensive gifts for her and her dc.
I've always been left to find for myself.

You aren't unreasonable to be hurt and frustrated. But for your own sake just accept it. Keep whatever distance you need to keep your sanity. But stewing on it will just work you up without achieving anything.

I'm sorry you're also in that position. It's very hurtful.

I feel awful because I’m torn. In certain ways they have been loving and helped me when I had my daughter, I moved in with my parents for a couple of years and my parents helped me a lot. But our relationship was still not really great. I bought a place as soon as I could. I love both my parents and it’s hard thinking about not being in their lives.

Until recently I’ve always thought I was the problem, how odd is that. I genuinely thought I was a bad person. That something was wrong with me, but only now realise the problem as never me, I was just a poor child stuck in a dysfunctional household 😥

I just hope that this post highlights the affects of favouritism within families. It literally wrecks peoples lives.

They may well have helped you financially but that was loaded with obligation. Emotionally they’ve failed you and abjectly so. It’s ok to love your parents and actually not like them and neither come across as great in terms of being parents to either you or for that matter your sister.

It appears your mother ruled the roost snd your dad went along with it out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

My dad had a bad temper and spoke to my mum terribly in front of my mum. They somehow muddled through a messy marriage. But he was very emotionally absent. My dad tried his best and provided for us, but there were no cuddles of show of emotion. So I didn’t really have love from either side.

I grew up just thinking that was normal. As an adult I’ve struggled with my own relationships ship with letting people in. Only now I have a close net group of friends. I’ve had lots of therapy, and determined to bring my daughter up in a secure home. I’ve purposefully stayed single, I want my daughter to know what love is but ensure it’s not a messy codependent love.

All credit to you for not going down the same path your parents did when it came to your daughter. You got the necessary help unlike them.

Continue to be the parent to her your parents were not to you. Grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got.

Thank you 🙏

I think my main issue is that my mum has somehow twisted things. Because I left home and didnt have any contact with my family for many years she blamed me for the breakdown of our relationship. But the reason I left was because I couldn’t cope living in that environment anymore.