I don't understand him... what does he want?

[enkelt2]

Once again I need some help from wise mumsnetters.😂

So I'm doing this professional degree with peers mostly younger than me (I'm a millennial but they're mostly Gen Z). I went into this with absolutely no expectations to meet new people as it's quite a demanding course. However, there was this person with whom I sort of hit it off quite quickly. Not anything substantial but just that the 'vibe' felt right.

Once we bumped into each other on the street and just chatted for 1.5 hours. I think that was a 'turning point' in that after that day, we sort of became more awkward or 'aware' that we could be quite compatible?

Now, a small group of us often go to the pub at the end of the week. After that day, this person became a lot more focused on me and I'd say a bit flirty. We also had good conversations where we got to know each other better.

One day, after I said something very flirty (reference to a future together etc.), he kissed me in the pub, with other peers nearby.

He wanted to escalate things and... I said no. He still left the pub with me, holding hands, got some food together.

After that, a few days later, I sent him a simple message indicating I'd like to see him. So he suggested a pub at 3pm.

On the day, he told me straightaway that he only had 2 hours as he has a family engagement. He also told me he was at a concert and out all night the night before. He only got up 1pm the day of our meeting. The pub's 50 min from where he lives, so basically he commuted 100 min for a 2 hour meeting?!

I felt like he was trying to get over the awkwardness after my rejecting him, but ... my friends on the course who know him and are closer in age to him said, he likes me. So the complete opposite interpretation...

We didn't address the kiss in this 'meeting' btw. Just a friendly chat.

So... um... what was the meeting for him?! And... I dunno, did he get increasingly flirty over time just for the hope of a one-night stand or he actually likes me?

Anyway, we also sort of confirmed that we both don't like texting so... there's very little communication other than when we meet in classes.

How are people thinking asking someone out and saying you want to see them again isn’t clear. I mean past spelling it out it’s as clear as it gets.

op, I think maybe some posters are enouraging you to embarass yourself. Asking someone out is clear. Everyone knows this.

He’s probably thinking “she didn’t want to sleep with me, so she’s not interested in a relationship”. But you’re thinking “I didn’t want to sleep with him yet, but I am interested in a relationship”. Him telling you that he’d travelled specially to see you for just a short time was his way of saying he’s prioritising you - ie he’s interested.

If you’re interested, ask him if he wants to get a coffee at some point during the week.

At this point I will just observe in person... cannot read minds...

Christ, I'd imagine the poor boys got whiplash from the mixed signals here.

You flirt heavily, he responds with a kiss. He pushes for sex, you say no. All fair enough and clear so far. He probably thinks, "Fuck it, blew that didn't I".

Next day, you invite him out, He thinks "Yay, I've not completely fucked it up, I've got a date!" Books it across town, making the effort despite being under tight time pressure. And then... nothing.

You have a nice conversation, but give him absolutely no indication of why you've invited him out. He has no idea whether you're interested in him, whether last night was a mistake, whether he's on a date or just an attempt to get over any awkwardness.

You need to use your words @enkelt2 . If you like him, tell him. Make it clear that you want to see him again in a romantic context. Doesn't need to be anything complicated or that makes you too vulnerable.

When you see him in class, just say "I enjoyed yesterday, your turn to organise the next date." Boom, he now knows where he stands. And you'll know where you stand when he either suggests something in the next 24 hours or doesn't.

I think it's more 'What does she want, I don't understand her'. I'm long long out of dating but this sounds extremely mixed signals on your part sorry!

In his eyes you are the experienced one so I expect he is waiting for you to make it clear what you want so that he doesn't overstep (especially as you have a workout relationship to consider). A 24 yo student might be a bit of fun... but you are possibly at quite different life stages as far a long term relationship potential goes. If that's what you are after better spell it put to him and see if he's on the same page.

I felt like he was trying to get over the awkwardness after my rejecting him, but ... my friends on the course who know him and are closer in age to him said, he likes me. So the complete opposite interpretation...

Opposite how?

I think you need to ask yourself what do you want from this?

Do you want a boyfriend or a potential partner? Do you want children in the near/middle future?

I don't think at your ages 9 years is too big, it's a big age gap but not crazy.

He might well be the sort of 24 yr old who does see himself settling down etc in the next 5 years

Or he might think serious relationships are still a decade off.

I'm not saying you have to outright ask him, but if you want something more serious quickly I would move on.

or unless he's going to get laid for free with someone new.

The question is not really "what does he want?", the question is "what do you want?".

Got to be honest, I thought from your op you weren’t interested in him and were trying to smooth over the friendship to make it less awkward. You need to be more direct with him if you are interested!

I'm male & I've no idea what you are after either?

You met for 2 hrs, what did you talk about? & how come neither of you said so that kiss, that was fun, how about next wk we go for a drink then?

Confused.com

Well, basically, he kinda told me that he wanted two kids by age 27?! He even told me the names he wanted.

As for getting laid that 'meeting', well, he cut it short so that's not going to happen.

As for what I want, of course I like him, and would like a relationship. At the very least a second kiss would be nice. As for the 'meeting', I just said I 'want to see him,' I really think that's quite clear--that I like him? That it could be a date?

In any case, during the 'meeting', the conversation was fine, it flowed, but it just didn't seem right to bring up the kiss. It also wasn't romantic or flirty, I really don't think. That's why I think maybe he's not interested.

Anyway, the situation is, this week in person, I... am kinda really shy around him. It's not in my control! We did talk to each other but kinda in a group setting. It's initially a bit awkward but it's getting better... But I don't know, I fear rejection too! I need clear signals too!

Also, actually, in class, I've been the one... approaching him? I tag along him and his buddy, I move to their table, etc.

At this point I think both of us need a bit of alcohol to be able to talk about it.

Btw I did tell him 'I like you' during the making out.

A "making out" that you made it clear at the time you didn't want to take any further (which is fine) but then completely failed to even mention when you met up again, let alone follow up on.

You may think you're sending clear signals but you really, really aren't. If I was in his shoes I'd have absolutely no idea where I stood and would probably back off a bit in case that making out session was something you wanted to pretend never happened.

That's how I'm seeing it as well. If you enjoyed kissing him, tell him so.

Definitely never tell him what you want, then post baffling stories on Mumsnet.

OK. I will tell him.

I'm a bit confused about why you're confused tbh.

You kissed him but then said no to sex. Totally normal. You made it clear you were still into him so invited him to the pub. Totally normal. The pub date was never going to be a long or intimate one as he only had two hours. So..... the next step is that one of you suggests another date. As you suggested the pub I would expect it to be him. And as neither of you like texting it's more likely he suggests it next time he sees you. This is all going by the book so far.

If the pub date didn't get flirty it was probably because 1) most good men let the woman take the lead in turning the conversation sexual, rather than making her uncomfortable, 2) you had already said no to sex previously so he presumably thinks you want to take it slowly, 3) as he only had two hours there wasn't likely to be any sex anyway.

Direct approach needed now. Get close to him and just ignore your nerves and tell him 'remember that time we kissed and I didn't want to take it further, well I think I've changed my mind now'

I once said something very similar to a man who is 6 years younger than me, twenty-odd years ago. He's now in the bathroom having a shower as I type this!

Oh, but the nerves. I sense there's progress from both parties to overcome the awkwardness in person, but quite slowly. Tomorrow is the last day before we're off to holidays... I don't think progress will be made to the extent that he will ask, though...