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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do I miss my toxic awful ex?

2 replies

Inamess2022 · 14/12/2025 17:07

I’ve posted before : my situation got really bad resulting in me having to take out a non molestation order against my ex who’d I’d been in a ten year relationship with (thankfully he’s not my sons bio father) He’d been controlling throughout the relationship, would be very manipulative and use his relationship with his ex wife as a triangulation technique. We split in 2023 and then gave it another go (which was down to my stupidity and Inability at that time to see the bad in him ) we’ve been split for good now for three and a half months, he was awful at the end I have over 100 abusive and vile emails. I’m meant to be a fairly intelligent, educated woman and I just feel a bit lost. I have lovely friends and parents who are very supportive, a decent job and a wonderful son. But sometimes I feel utterly alone and pathetic. I’m in my 40s and single and don’t see what I have to offer. I don’t even trust men now or my own judgements and I certainly don’t feel in a place to date or pursue another relationship (I’ve had two long term relationships since 19 including this awful ex) I don’t even know why I’m posting, are these feelings normal after exiting a toxic situation? I don’t know how to sit with the feelings of sadness and overwhelm when they happen 😞I’m having CBT and have been referred to trauma based counselling, I’m seeing friends and getting out and about. But sometimes I feel so low and find myself missing the good parts of him which I know were false. Any words of encouragement gratefully received.

OP posts:
Inamess2022 · 14/12/2025 17:16

He was also over 15 years older than me so I know from that standpoint it wasn’t healthy anyway.. I just feel damaged now like I’m going to be treated badly again, I read so many horror stories lately about dating apps and men and I just can’t face any of that now or in the future.

OP posts:
Catza · 14/12/2025 17:23

Yes, it's very normal. It's not love, and you are not really missing him. It's just weird brain chemistry not dissimilar to addiction. It will pass. I'm six months out and only very recently stopped "missing him" and started getting excited about dating again .

Have you come across DadHugsForYourSoul before? He's on most SM platforms and he's been really helpful to me in the initial stages of the breakup.

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