I don't like myself after becoming a mum

[AlltheCoffeePlease1809]

My son is 18 months and I'm turning into my mother. Married to a well intentioned but useless man, stressed to the hills, constantly nagging, just a terrible wife. I make a huge effort to be nice and calm around my son and to spend quality time with him but marriage-wise I'm a terrible wife. And I don't know how to stop.

There's a lot of resentment about how little my DH did in the baby days and after I went back to work. I feel I shoulder everything (I'm also by far the higher earner) and there is just no room for me at all.

After many arguments, DH is doing lots. He really is doing a lot now. He is also finding his feet better as a father. But I'm on edge all the time. I'm just waiting for him to slip back into old habits.

He's also said some horrible things during our arguments, which he has immediately taken back, but I can't let go.

I feel I'm walking into a house every day where 1) I'm the mean teacher keeping him in line and 2) where he doesn't like or love me anymore.

I don't know where we go from here. I feel like it's all too little too late and we need to split. I need to find an ounce of self esteem and respect somewhere, I don't know where to start.

Ah man sadly I feel like a lot of this is common. You aren’t a bad wife, you’re shocked you though you chose a man who would be an equal partner and wasn’t for a long time

@Tammygirl12 thank you. I think it's that after all this, it's now on me to pick myself up and get over things and become a less stressed person, find my way in life again. Which is just extra work. He got to coast in the hard days, I shouldered it all, and now have to face being an annoying stereotypical middle aged nag (and I do realize how misogynistic this is) as a result of all that stress. I don't want to be this person and the longer I am like this, it's becoming more my fault than his.

I'm just frozen in stress and self-loathing now. Which is not rational or good or healthy.

I get so annoyed at being told "I'll sit with him, you go do something you want". I don't know what I want, I haven't had the headspace to know what I want or enjoy tbh. I've had 2 years of just survival mode.

If you’re not happy then the answer is to leave and find happiness. Children will never thrive in an environment of underlying resentment and hostility and snapping remarks.

I felt like I did everything for the kids with my ex and resented him SO much. I now do actually everything for my kids because he’s gone (he does see them for short periods but obviously I do everything most of the time) but I no longer hate it because I’m not resenting anyone else for not helping. It’s all on me and there’s nobody else so I found it so much easier to do it happily and willingly!