No trust - what to do?

[Parrot7]

I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years and there’s been a few bumps in the road that we have always navigated as we want to be together but the same issue keep coming up and it’s due to lack of trust. We don’t want to lose each other but unless things can be forgiven and moved on I know we can’t save this relationship.

Im turning to this as I feel as have no one else to talk to. In the beginning, before I knew my partner, I was messaging a male friend which continued once I meet my partner. We continued to message and when the messages would turn to flirty banter I never replied. My partner saw the messages and got upset so I stopped messaging altogether (it wasn’t a close friend and wasn’t worth losing my new, developing relationship for). Anyway the guy messaged again and I ignored it but when my partner asked if there had been any more contact I lied and this has been the core trust issue that lies at all our arguments over the past 10+ years. I don’t know why I lied, probably to avoid conflict, but I’ve owned up to it, apologised over and over again and take full responsibility for my actions (on going to see a couples therapist I brought this up and admitted to it in the first session).

then a few years ago messages were exchanged between a male colleague and I which were mainly always about work, I saw him as one of the girls as I work in a female orientated job. He has a wife and kids and was always seen as a friend/colleague, he was part of a group of work friends. But at the end of the messages it always ended with ‘x’, something I do with everyone and never thought twice about. My partner saw the messages (he agreed they were pretty much all about work) but he was upset about the ‘x’ at the end. I never think twice about putting ‘x’ on the end of a message to anyone, I don’t even think of it like a kiss. My partner has always had full access to my phone, knows the male colleague and has even asked me to contact him about a few things outside of work (eg advice about housing things). Again I apologised, took responsibility, tried to explain there was nothing in the ‘x’ and I do it for everyone. I continued to message him keeping it strictly about work but took a step back and wouldn’t message him first. The colleague now has a new job so there are no more messages.

The lie in the beginning and this ‘x’ issue keeps coming in our relationship and my partner says he has no trust in me. He’s been cheated on in other relationships. We keep trying to move forward, we make progress then I’ll go out with friends for drinks and it all comes up again.

I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to lose the relationship but if he can’t forgive me and move on it’s doing neither of us any good. Sorry for the long message I just needed to get it all out and talk. Would appreciate any advice. I feel terrible that I’ve caused this issue and I don’t know what to do. I promise I have not cheated at all and the messages to either of the guys were in no way flirtatious but I do take responsibility for the issues they’ve caused. I don’t want to speak to friends or family as they are too close to judge and I’m very protective of my relationship.

I could not be dealing with that. If you have never given him reason to not trust you then I wld say its just his issue. I would dump a guy for this

Agree. He either gets over it or you break up. You cannot live as a couple where he doesn't trust you or punishes you forever. It's ridiculous. If he can't get over it then that's the end. I suspect this is all just an excuse to keep you compliant though. He'd always have found something.

This all seems quite minor for him to be getting so upset about, though lying to him really won't have helped, especially given his experiences in the past.
That said this is something for you both to work on - if it's really worth it to you both.
I'd suggest you agree boundaries, and give him whatever he needs in order to believe that those boundaries are being upheld - that might mean access to your phone though that should be short term.
My dh had an actual affair and we are recovering from that well but it takes work from both of us, not just him.
From his side, it's important he tells me tbe things that are difficult regardless of worries about my reaction. For example if he has contact from / with his ap (however insignificant) he will tell me straightaway. If she crosses his mind he tells me straightaway and gives the context.
For my part I have to choose to trust him based on his recent actions. I can't control every aspect of his life, nor would I want to. And I have to remind myself that I am choosing this relationship and what I want it to look like. I have to trust myself that I would recognise if somethings not right and that if those lines were crossed again I would leave.
Its not easy though so if you aren't both 100% committed to the effort then it'd be kinder to you both to walk away now.

If there's no trust, there is no relationship. You can either make a conscious effort to work through the issues together and move past it, or it's time to call it a day.

Thank you for this, it’s good to hear someone has worked and moved past trust issues in their relationship. I think because all his previous relationships have ended in cheating he expects it to happen. He has other abandonment issues and he has done therapy from which he has really worked on himself. I just think when I lied to his face in the beginning it trigger his previous relationships experience. That lie eats me up but I can’t keep apologising for it. With the ‘x’ on the messages I think because his friends agreed it was unacceptable he can’t move past it, when for me it really meant nothing (although I’ve definitely more careful now how I end a message). He always has and will continue to have access to my phone if he wishes to see anything.
I think I know ultimately that if we can’t move past this it can’t work. But it’s hard. We have a house and debt together too which just as more stress, although not an excuse to stay in a relationship. We have no children but want one but until we fix our relationship I won’t let that happen. I am at an age where if i don’t have a child soon though it won’t happen, again not an excuse to stay in a relationship with no trust but it makes it harder.

It's not about the 'x'. I'd walk away from the relationship.
It's not going to get better.

You don’t deserve to be continually berated for what are actually a couple of non events. This is entirely his problem and his issue. If he can’t fix it, your relationship has no future. Absolutely do not have children with a man with jealousy and control issues that he can’t get a handle on.

Honestly op it sounds like you've done all you can.
You need to decide what you will tolerate going forward and he needs to do the work to move past it. If he can't then cut your losses now.

He is being ridiculous and it will only get worse it you have children with this man. Walk away.

He’s a controlling prick LTB