Strained relationship with DM

[SwanSong30]

DM is mid sixties and doesn’t have many friends, 2 that I can think of. She has suffered ill health for the last few years but doesn’t help herself (eg she needs an operation but her BMI is substantially higher than NHS guidelines allow for the op, but doesn’t do anything to loose weight) her mobility is poor so social activity’s are limited to garden centres and going for lunch…which then doesn’t help her bmi. She has a very negative outlook on life, the cup is always half empty, has been like this for as long as I can remember. DF and DM lead quite separate lives, very different people (DF is very outdoorsy and active) I know DM is lonely, she complains about DF to me which I don’t think is appropriate, I don’t feel she should be complaining about a dad to a daughter. She has joined a few committees etc in the local area but always ends up leaving after a few months due to disagreements with other members - it’s a running theme.

I have tried to encourage her to join social activities to meet new people other than committees, but she doesn’t want to. I seem to be her only social outlet and I am fed up of going for tea and cake and having my weekends taken up by entertaining my DM. I’ve encouraged her to focus on her health more but she’s not interested. She has suffered depression in the past which I think is playing a part now, but I can see everything on a downhill slope with her health and it’s defeating to watch.

I am being supportive but it’s falling on deaf ears and I’m finding it frustrating.

It’s hard being the last one left who bothers with your mother but drop the rope re her. She is not interested and she has not got any friends for good reason. She has driven them all away by her actions. Start to see her far less going forward.

Your Mum is a grown adult who can take responsibility for herself. She could get out into life if she wanted, but chooses not to. You shouldn't be expected to parent your Mum.

I am a few years younger than your mum, have no DC and significant health issues that affect my mobility.
My DH is brilliant but also is very active and I support him in that. When he goes off to do his hobbies I have little treats as in a film I love, inviting a friend over.
It is bloody tough. Sometimes it is natural to look at others and seeing them being more ‘free’ but you have to make a decision to live the best life you can.
Your mum only has you now as she clearly wants it that way. She could have made friends locally, she could make more of an effort with your dad. But while she’d got you there as her weekend service centre, that’s what she demands.
Please, please make more of a life for yourself. Plan a new hobby, anything, something which involves a weekend commitment - even if it’s just for a while.
Your mum will rail against it but you must be firm.
I am not sure how old you are, but your mum could live for another 20 years. Please don’t end up her age feeling bitter because you’ve had to pander to her.
You can still spend time with her, but dial it down a little.

Thank you for this. I am mid 40’s. I have 3 teen DC and my lovely DH all of whom I’d like to spend more time with doing fun things, I know they want to spend more time with me too. DM can be quite obviously put out if I say I have plans for the weekend, almost like she resents me spending time with my family and friends. I understand part of that is jealousy. I have included her in our family time but again my DC really don’t want to look around a garden centre as entertainment!

it’s hard work being an only child in this situation and I do see that it’s only going to get worse. I will heed your advice for my own sanity and pull away to break the cycle.

Same here op she 80s. Goes nowhere no news all negative. I dialled it back too as draining..... Siblings feel same. Unfort it could be years of it too. Clubs not her thing. Not too close to neighbours til she needs a lift etc.

@SwanSong30 mid 40s is also a time of change and I don’t just mean perimenopause, or menopause.
It is about really assessing what is going well in your life, what you can work on and also who you want to spend your time with.
You were not brought into this world to babysit your mum.
You can still visit her, spend some time with her, but you have your own DH and kids - they come first.
Honestly, just start off making small changes. Your mum can fight and rail against it all she wants. Keep going. She can’t make you run around after her, but it sounds like she will try and guilt you into it.
Do not feel guilty. You are allowed a life of your own, please go and embrace it.
I had a good friend who ended up caring for her mum, she had no DH or kids.
Mum had no friends, abused her health but managed to live way past 80. My mate was in her 60’s when she died and it was awful.
I can remember she would feel guilty for going to the supermarket.
Her mum said to a doctor once - oh I won’t worry about my daughter’s future. She will kill herself when I go as she’s nothing else in her life.
Your mum is not like that at all, but the subtle digs are so harmful.
By the way, when it did happen my friend flourished. Got a job in her late 60’s, met someone, she’s free for the first time ever.
Your situation is entirely different - you are young, you have your own family. You have many decades to go.
I hate to tell you but I’ve started to like a garden centre - but there is no way I’d force the habit on my youthful friends 😂

Please make the changes now before your DM gets to the point where she cannot make any changes as a pp said, you may have another 20yrs. If you push back, she may get the hint and either accept her own part in her social isolation and do something about it, or if not, accept that you too have a life and shouldn’t jump when she needs you. It’s exhausting having an 80yr old DM who is very needy and I’d love to have some hindsight when I was a bit younger for life to be a bit different now!

Also it may be worth her contacting the GP. Some practices do ‘social prescribing’- signposting to groups to help with health issues such as weight loss, depression etc. She may find likeminded individuals with similar health issues who can all have a whinge about their health needs and kids who are never available for them 😂