I don’t talk about this much, but it’s been coming back up and I need to get it out.
From ages 15–17, I was in an abusive relationship. We’ve been no contact for over a year, and yet it still affects me — which makes me feel stupid and disgusted with myself, even though I know trauma doesn’t work on a timeline.
He used to strangle me.
A lot. And one time it got to the point I was about to fall out and he almost didnt stop.
He strangled me when he was angry.
He strangled me for disagreeing.
He strangled me if I didnt want tk get intimate and would choke me and kiss me until I would say yes.
He strangled me for going to bed without telling or asking him first.
He told me he would watch me choke on my own blood. He told people I was "trained right".
He threatened to k*ll me and himself— more than once. Sometimes in detail. Sometimes laughing. Saying he would do it if I ever tried leaving him.
At one point, a guy we knew said he would r*pe me. At the time, me and my ex were broken up and not speaking. When my ex found out, he got angry at me for not telling him sooner. He blamed me. I apologized over and over. And he still put his hands on me for it.
A few months ago, his girlfriend messaged me asking questions — about whether he ever threatened my life, and said that our mutual friend said he used to hit me. And that alone was enough to bring everything back. The dreams. (I still habe nightmares to this day im writing this and im 18 now)
What messes with me the most is that it’s been a year. He hasn’t contacted me. I’ll never speak to him again. And yet I still have nightmares. My brain still reacts. I still feel affected — and I hate myself for that.
I know logically that none of this was my fault.
But emotionally, I still feel embarrassed that it broke me the way it did.
And it makes me even more mad at myself as I dont even remember parts of the relationship/ before the relationship. Like I completely blocked it out. And I can only remember when someone talks about it.