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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found flirty messages on dps phone

50 replies

Loolabells · 14/12/2025 06:34

My dp came from from his work Christmas do late Friday night. He fell asleep downstairs when I went down in the morning his morning alarm was going off so I went to turn it off and a messaged was shown from a girl he worked with. I looked through the message chain and some was normal conversation texting about the Christmas do they both went in but there was some flirty messages. Him telling her she will look fire in her outfit him telling her he can’t wait to see her. I am so beyond shocked by it all and I don’t really know what to do. We’ve been together 10 years and have 2 young dcs.

OP posts:
PollyPlumPeach · 14/12/2025 06:38

You don't need to look through someone's messages, or even unlock the phone, in order to turn off an alarm. Sounds like you had suspicions already and don't trust him. This relationship is doomed regardless of whether the messages are inappropriate flirting or innocent work banter that you have misunderstood out of context.

dinesaurrawr · 14/12/2025 06:46

PollyPlumPeach · 14/12/2025 06:38

You don't need to look through someone's messages, or even unlock the phone, in order to turn off an alarm. Sounds like you had suspicions already and don't trust him. This relationship is doomed regardless of whether the messages are inappropriate flirting or innocent work banter that you have misunderstood out of context.

The message was most likely on the lock screen when she turned the alarm off. I’d look too if I saw that !

PollyPlumPeach · 14/12/2025 07:07

dinesaurrawr · 14/12/2025 06:46

The message was most likely on the lock screen when she turned the alarm off. I’d look too if I saw that !

Edited
Show quote history

I looked through the message chain and some was normal conversation texting about the Christmas do they both went in but there was some flirty messages.

Doesn't sound like the flirty message was the one that popped up on the lock screen - she had to look back in the message chain for that.

ChristmasinBrighton · 14/12/2025 07:10

Yeah let’s blame the woman! 🙄

Back in the real world, what are you going to do OP? Do you have real life support and friends you can talk to about it?

PollyPlumPeach · 14/12/2025 07:14

ChristmasinBrighton · 14/12/2025 07:10

Yeah let’s blame the woman! 🙄

Back in the real world, what are you going to do OP? Do you have real life support and friends you can talk to about it?

Not blaming the woman. Just saying by the time a relationship gets to the stage of secretly snooping though the other person's messages, it is already doomed. If there's no trust, there's no relationship

Original poster
Loolabells · 14/12/2025 07:16

I really don’t know what I am gong to do. Yes I saw it on the Lock Screen so I then looked. Before that I didn’t have any suspicions. I do have support from friends and family who I have told what has happened

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2025 07:22

And what did they advise?.

If the shoe was on the other foot he would not be at all forgiving of you. You’ve only found out about this too because the alarm on his phone was activated.

Gowlett · 14/12/2025 07:33

Probably nothing… When I worked in an office (and was a fun, cute young woman) the married men were like dogs off the leash at the Christmas party. I’d get this sort of banter / emails / texts all day long back then… It was mostly them, but I regarded it as just a part of my job to humour them. Idiots!

Original poster
Loolabells · 14/12/2025 08:05

They said the same I wouldn’t have found out if the alarm wasn’t on. I would not have just checked the phone randomly. It’s hard as the trust has been broken unsure if it can be repaired.

OP posts:
nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 14/12/2025 08:12

PollyPlumPeach · 14/12/2025 07:14

Not blaming the woman. Just saying by the time a relationship gets to the stage of secretly snooping though the other person's messages, it is already doomed. If there's no trust, there's no relationship

Show quote history

Your seeing too much into the OP seeing a message on a locked screen and- natural curiosity - had a peek into a chain.
She didn't have suspicions beforehand.

TwilightSkies · 14/12/2025 08:12

This is not your fault. Have you confronted him?

OchreRaven · 14/12/2025 08:12

Does he know you have seen it? He has crossed a line and that will affect your ability to trust him.

There are two ways to deal with it. Either keep quiet and monitor their conversation to see whether it was a one off stupid flirt that doesn’t go further or the beginning of a larger betrayal.

The other option is to pull him up on it now and watch his reaction. See if he understands why he has crossed the line and works to rebuild your trust. But be prepared for him to become defensive and try to downplay it. You need to consider how you will respond in that scenario. Don’t let him make you feel like a fool. He’s the problem.

Original poster
Loolabells · 14/12/2025 08:28

So I immediately confronted him I was too shocked to be able to keep it in. He is devastated and very sorry to have done this to me and the boys. But obviously only sorry becuase he’s now been caught he wouldn’t have told otherwise.

OP posts:
Daytimenighttime · 14/12/2025 09:00

I'm glad you confronted him OP.

I'm afraid now the trust would be gone though because you now know how he behaves at work and that he has a wandering eye.

Endofyear · 14/12/2025 09:09

He's devastated that he's been caught! He was quite happy flirting with this woman behind your back, which is often a precursor to having an affair. I don't know how you go about getting the trust back, I'm not sure it will ever be the same. Would you consider couples counselling?

DaisyChain505 · 14/12/2025 09:12

Sorry OP, how awful for you.

Didimum · 14/12/2025 09:13

PollyPlumPeach · 14/12/2025 07:14

Not blaming the woman. Just saying by the time a relationship gets to the stage of secretly snooping though the other person's messages, it is already doomed. If there's no trust, there's no relationship

Show quote history

This is so simplistic and insulting to any woman who has ever been blindsided by infidelity. Do better.

Didimum · 14/12/2025 09:17

I hate this time of year on MN. So many awful posts about shit husbands and partners, revealed by the work parties. I’m sorry, OP. It’s now something you can’t unknow or unsee, it can’t go back in the box.

You don’t have to make any decisions now, but you do have to advocate for you. Can you afford to see a counsellor?

WhosMadeline · 14/12/2025 09:19

Gowlett · 14/12/2025 07:33

Probably nothing… When I worked in an office (and was a fun, cute young woman) the married men were like dogs off the leash at the Christmas party. I’d get this sort of banter / emails / texts all day long back then… It was mostly them, but I regarded it as just a part of my job to humour them. Idiots!

I don’t even know where to start with the things that are wrong and sad about this.

Original poster
Loolabells · 14/12/2025 09:45

Yeah we could afford to see a counsellor and it’s something we have discussed to do

OP posts:
Springtimehere · 14/12/2025 09:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

whatsnewpussycat34 · 14/12/2025 10:00

I’ll never understand this whole idea of it being unreasonable to look at your partners phone. OP didn’t sneak it in the night and have a good rummage through it, something caught her attention and she looked deeper.

Op I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this so close to Christmas. I personally wouldn’t be able to forgive and forget something like this, to me it shows he’s had more than a few thoughts of “she’s attractive”. He actively discussed his attraction to her, which means he wants her to know he’s on board for whatever is available.

These men are pathetic and look for escapism from their lives. He’s sold his house for a night in a hotel, if you will.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2025 10:03

Do not make this a joint issue re joint counselling. This is on him and him alone. He can go to counselling on his own if he wants and pay lip service to that. He is indeed sorry only because he has been caught out.

Counselling for your own self alone may be beneficial to you.

Trust once it has gone is nigh on impossible for it to return. I would seriously consider if this is a man you wan to remain in a relationship with going forward. At the very least you need time and space away from him and he should now go to his mother's or a hotel.

What is the situation re the property and finances; how entwined are you re these?.

Nine2five · 14/12/2025 11:57

PollyPlumPeach · 14/12/2025 06:38

You don't need to look through someone's messages, or even unlock the phone, in order to turn off an alarm. Sounds like you had suspicions already and don't trust him. This relationship is doomed regardless of whether the messages are inappropriate flirting or innocent work banter that you have misunderstood out of context.

Miss understood and out of context? Are you mad?

RightOnTheEdge · 14/12/2025 12:01

Gowlett · 14/12/2025 07:33

Probably nothing… When I worked in an office (and was a fun, cute young woman) the married men were like dogs off the leash at the Christmas party. I’d get this sort of banter / emails / texts all day long back then… It was mostly them, but I regarded it as just a part of my job to humour them. Idiots!

That is shocking. Where in your contract or job description did it say that?