How to forget? | Mumsnet

HelloKitty05 · 2025-12-14T03:27:50+00:00

I am 40. Last year got into emotional affair which was quite intense and complicated. The guy was from work, but different country (he UK, me lets say eastern Europe). It was online, stopped by him (ghosted). We still work in the same company but no contact Dont need any moral talk. Just want to know when i will be able to forget about it? I cannot change work, he is not anywhere online

MazeyP · 14/12/2025 06:07

Get another man

HappiestSleeping · 14/12/2025 06:15

I think you have to work out whether it is actually him you miss, or the dream of what might have been.

Sounds like you didn't meet him, or certainly not much, so could be that you've built up an idea of what might have happened. That utopian scenario if you will?

If that's the case, try to deconstruct it a bit and focus on the faults so reprogrammed yourself that it would have been utopian.

Maybe it will ease abit.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 14/12/2025 12:12

I think moral talk is exactly what you need!

You call it an affair so either you are married or he is - maybe both? Do either of you have children?

Did your spouses find out?

Does the idea of the damage you have / could have caused to everyone involved not put you off the idea of this man?

If you don't have the moral compass for that at least be angry with him. He ghosted you. You obviously didn't matter to him as much as you though you did.

DuchessDandelion · 14/12/2025 12:20

Make new memories. At the moment it's so recent so the feelings are still quite raw, give it a bit of time and whenever you find yourself remembering direct your attention to make plans - happy ones like trips or finding a club to join, picking up a hobby.

ETA - missed that it was an affair so deleted comments about dating. Focus on your relationship and self esteem instead

Original poster

HelloKitty05 · 14/12/2025 20:01

I read about Peri, last 2 years are horrid. Is this limerance normal?
Ps i have never met him f2f

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winterwoes · 14/12/2025 22:09

You get over one man by getting under another! Go find someone new and make fresh memories

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 14/12/2025 22:21

HelloKitty05 · 14/12/2025 20:01

I read about Peri, last 2 years are horrid. Is this limerance normal?
Ps i have never met him f2f

It's not him you can't stop thinking about it's a figment of your imagination.
You've never met him, and only had a relationship remotely. He (and you) got to pick and choose which parts to show and which parts to hide in a way its impossible to do in a real relationship.
You didn't get to know him, you got to see a highlight reel and vice versa.
Put your energy into figuring out what's missing from your own life / relationship and then going to get it. Stop projecting your wish list for a relationship onto him

TheRevengeOfMobina · 15/12/2025 09:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

HelloKitty05 · 15/12/2025 10:43

Can anyone see deleted post?

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Thewookiemustgo · 15/12/2025 11:39

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 14/12/2025 22:21

It's not him you can't stop thinking about it's a figment of your imagination.
You've never met him, and only had a relationship remotely. He (and you) got to pick and choose which parts to show and which parts to hide in a way its impossible to do in a real relationship.
You didn't get to know him, you got to see a highlight reel and vice versa.
Put your energy into figuring out what's missing from your own life / relationship and then going to get it. Stop projecting your wish list for a relationship onto him

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I just wrote pretty much this then my wifi ate it. 🙄
The blunt truth is this:
If it meant that much to him, he’d still be messaging you. His ghosting you tells you pretty much everything you need to know about him so you’ve lost nothing in reality.
Just a guy fanning his ego online and using you to do it until he got discovered or bored. Either way when he had to choose, he chose to disappear.
It’s a fantasy OP and if you find out what it provided for you and fill the void it was filling in your life yourself, you’ll see he’s done you a big favour by disappearing. You’re worth way more than that and when you pursue things that you enjoy and invest in your current relationship and in yourself, you’ll be glad he disappeared.

Original poster

HelloKitty05 · 15/12/2025 12:10

Thewookiemustgo · 15/12/2025 11:39

I just wrote pretty much this then my wifi ate it. 🙄
The blunt truth is this:
If it meant that much to him, he’d still be messaging you. His ghosting you tells you pretty much everything you need to know about him so you’ve lost nothing in reality.
Just a guy fanning his ego online and using you to do it until he got discovered or bored. Either way when he had to choose, he chose to disappear.
It’s a fantasy OP and if you find out what it provided for you and fill the void it was filling in your life yourself, you’ll see he’s done you a big favour by disappearing. You’re worth way more than that and when you pursue things that you enjoy and invest in your current relationship and in yourself, you’ll be glad he disappeared.

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Thanks! I know it but it is nice to read it :)

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Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 15/12/2025 18:27

I expect its probably the ghosting that has made it hard to let go, you obviously wouldn't choose him now given how he's treated you. Was it him who was married or you?
If it was him, he probably wasn't in a position to end things in a way he might have if he was single.
But his message would be the same - I don't choose you. Perhaps you could imagine what else he might have put in the message and that might help you close things in your mind?

Original poster

HelloKitty05 · 15/12/2025 19:06

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 15/12/2025 18:27

I expect its probably the ghosting that has made it hard to let go, you obviously wouldn't choose him now given how he's treated you. Was it him who was married or you?
If it was him, he probably wasn't in a position to end things in a way he might have if he was single.
But his message would be the same - I don't choose you. Perhaps you could imagine what else he might have put in the message and that might help you close things in your mind?

Yeah maybe. Makes sense.but would be nice to get some explanation

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Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 15/12/2025 19:17

HelloKitty05 · 15/12/2025 19:06

Yeah maybe. Makes sense.but would be nice to get some explanation

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If he is married his responsibility is to his wife first. And if you knew about her it's what you signed up for I'm afraid

Original poster

HelloKitty05 · 15/12/2025 19:27

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 15/12/2025 19:17

If he is married his responsibility is to his wife first. And if you knew about her it's what you signed up for I'm afraid

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Well yeah but why he made promises. Men are weird

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Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 15/12/2025 19:30

HelloKitty05 · 15/12/2025 19:27

Well yeah but why he made promises. Men are weird

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He made promises to his wife that you knew he was breaking, so it's hard to see why you expected him to keep any promises that he made to you who he hadn't even met...
Maybe try and hang onto to how he let you down rather than the hopes he built up for you so you can let him go more easily. He's obviously not thinking of you, so he doesn't deserve space in your head either.

taxguru · 15/12/2025 19:37

Occupy your mind with something else. I know easier said than done, but it's always been how I've coped with break-ups, rejections, disappointments, etc. Dwelling on things is a downward spiral if you're not careful. Fill your mind with something new, something positive, to push out the thoughts of what could have been.

Eyeshadow · 15/12/2025 19:59

Time is a healer.

Keep as busy as possible.

If you enjoyed this turn perhaps you are ready for a relationship and so try OLD - it will also keep you busy to forget about him.

Thewookiemustgo · 15/12/2025 20:32

The explanation is either he got caught or he got bored.
He made promises because he knew it was an online fantasy and he had no obligation or risk of doing so. If he was enjoying it he told you whatever you needed to hear for him to keep you invested.
Either way, he no longer wants to be in the affair any more, that’s the explanation.
People reinvent themselves in affairs, and lie to everyone including themselves.
Unfortunately many OW believe that cheating men are selective liars and would only lie to their wives, never the OW because he doesn’t love his wife, he loves her…
Cheating men lie to their OW as well as their wives, they can tell you anything about the state of their marriage and promise any kind of future, it’s all so intoxicating and exciting that OW swallow the lot whole usually. It keeps them invested, obsessed and allows the married man to control the situation.
“Of course I’ll leave her for you….. it’s just that I can’t yet because of x…” then x becomes y and y becomes z and finally the penny drops that he wants you just as an affair and he’s never going to leave his marriage unless his wife finds out and chucks him out.
Any explanation you get will be worthless, the word of a liar, an online liar you’ve never met in real life. I wouldn’t obsess about an explanation, the explanation is that it was an affair, not real life m, he’s no longer invested and it was never going anywhere anyway in reality.

Original poster

HelloKitty05 · 15/12/2025 20:35

Thewookiemustgo · 15/12/2025 20:32

The explanation is either he got caught or he got bored.
He made promises because he knew it was an online fantasy and he had no obligation or risk of doing so. If he was enjoying it he told you whatever you needed to hear for him to keep you invested.
Either way, he no longer wants to be in the affair any more, that’s the explanation.
People reinvent themselves in affairs, and lie to everyone including themselves.
Unfortunately many OW believe that cheating men are selective liars and would only lie to their wives, never the OW because he doesn’t love his wife, he loves her…
Cheating men lie to their OW as well as their wives, they can tell you anything about the state of their marriage and promise any kind of future, it’s all so intoxicating and exciting that OW swallow the lot whole usually. It keeps them invested, obsessed and allows the married man to control the situation.
“Of course I’ll leave her for you….. it’s just that I can’t yet because of x…” then x becomes y and y becomes z and finally the penny drops that he wants you just as an affair and he’s never going to leave his marriage unless his wife finds out and chucks him out.
Any explanation you get will be worthless, the word of a liar, an online liar you’ve never met in real life. I wouldn’t obsess about an explanation, the explanation is that it was an affair, not real life m, he’s no longer invested and it was never going anywhere anyway in reality.

Very harsh but true. Just feel sorry for his piór wife

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inkognitha · 15/12/2025 20:35

It does not even matter why. The thing in front of you that you are not seeing clear enough is that, whatever the exact reason, this man has no sense of duty, coping or communication skills and acts like a selfish coward.

Whatever happened, from his favourite padel team losing 5 times in a row, to the sudden birth of octuplets or his wife turning into Sydney Sweeney overnight, he could have had the grace to say goodbye. If you re only online and in different countries, it was easy. He could not even be arsed to do that.

He is NO catch. And he s married and can t leave his wife.

Next time a man who s trying to seduce you makes you a promise, you let it go in one ear and out by the other, it s not even worth the paper it s not written on. Men peacock and bs and would promise anything "later..." to get their way now.

Look at men's actions, not their words.

Let him go, you are not losing much at all, you are actually lucky imho.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 15/12/2025 20:46

HelloKitty05 · 15/12/2025 20:35

Very harsh but true. Just feel sorry for his piór wife

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Its a little late to feel sorry for his wife...

Focus on yourself now and put this man out of your mind.

FirstdatesFred · 15/12/2025 20:47

You do dodged a bullet.
Sounds like he was not a good un.
Too easily led by his feelings and crossed boundaries.
He would not have made a good partner to you.

Thewookiemustgo · 15/12/2025 21:17

Sorry it came across as harsh, but affairs involve lying to ourselves, too and that’s the worst thing we can do.
When it ends the lies unravel and reality is seen in the cold light of day.
See it for what it was, learn from it, find out what will really make you happy (online affairs aren’t it, btw) and feel glad that hopefully nobody else got hurt.
As an aside, I really wouldn’t say things like ‘I feel sorry for his wife’ on here, it really is hypocritical considering you colluded with him to deceive her, would still be doing it now if he hadn’t ghosted you and really didn’t care about her when you listened to her husband’s fake promises to you. It won’t go down well. Saying you feel sorry for her now really doesn’t wash.

Original poster

HelloKitty05 · 15/12/2025 21:43

Thewookiemustgo · 15/12/2025 21:17

Sorry it came across as harsh, but affairs involve lying to ourselves, too and that’s the worst thing we can do.
When it ends the lies unravel and reality is seen in the cold light of day.
See it for what it was, learn from it, find out what will really make you happy (online affairs aren’t it, btw) and feel glad that hopefully nobody else got hurt.
As an aside, I really wouldn’t say things like ‘I feel sorry for his wife’ on here, it really is hypocritical considering you colluded with him to deceive her, would still be doing it now if he hadn’t ghosted you and really didn’t care about her when you listened to her husband’s fake promises to you. It won’t go down well. Saying you feel sorry for her now really doesn’t wash.

Yeah i know! On the one hand i regret and poor her. But on the other i miss the feeling. Delusional i know

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