The mother

[Hotchocolateandmarshmellow]

I think mom is autistic or my none contact sibling is convinced she’s narcissistic.

Youngest sibling (still in contact) lives 15 mins away from the parents while I live over an hour away. I don’t see my parents often, I feel we have a strained relationship where I keep getting hurt. I have raised this once before and it didn’t go well, my mom stopped talking to me and seemed to make out I was the problem. So now I don’t mention anything.

Haven’t seen the parents since the end summer when we drove to their house, we drove to my younger siblings house for a children’s birthday party a few weeks ago. My children’s cousin. My parents decided not to come as they wanted to wait for a parcel but would go round the day after (the day we weren’t there). Parents are retired and on good terms with the neighbours, so in my head it’s a poor excuse not to redirect or move the parcel delivery day).

I feel hurt that they don’t want to move mountains to see their grandkids. There’s lots of previous examples I won’t go into.

Any advice on how I move past the hurt, I almost want to say we won’t bother going over the Christmas period but I know that’s not fair on the kids. I need some coping mechanisms on how to feel less upset that I will never have that mom I can call in an emergency who will drop everything to come help me. I feel more sad for my kids that they don’t have that grandparent wanting to see them all the time.

You sound very cold in the way you describe them so I suspect it's a very strained relationship between you and them. They might want more of a relationship with your kids but don't know how to orchestrate it when things are tricky between you and them.

Cut your losses. Do everything on your terms, not theirs. Let them show you their true colours. Protect yourself and your kiddos.
They clearly don't care.
You clearly care a lot but aren't willing to make the effort with them due to how you've been treated... Why would you even want your kids around people like that?

There is nothing whatsoever in your post to suggest your mother is autistic. What you write re her is typical of how a narcissistic parent behaves. She has no empathy nor insight.

Your sibling is right; your mother is an out and out narcissist. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since. You do not mention anything about your dad but he's likely to be a bystander and or her secondary abuser. He has let you down too.

It will also do your kids no favours to see you being disrespected all the time by your parents. They have and continue to let you down abjectly here. Better to have no grandparents than these toxic ones like your parents. If your in-laws are nice and importantly are emotionally healthy, then I would concentrate your efforts on them. Your sibling who lives nearer is the golden child as are her children whereby you are the scapegoat and therefore your kids are also scapegoated. The golden child role is a role not without price though your sibling is unaware of this.

Some posters have no comprehension that parents could behave like this mainly because theirs did not but they most certainly do. You will get people who will try and minimise your experiences or imply its of your doing for their own reasons. Ignore them.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got. I would also suggest you seek therapy for the fear, obligation and guilt you may well feel due to your mother. If she is indeed a narcissist it is not possible to have a relationship with her. You all need to stay well away from your parents because she will harm your children by over valuing or under valuing the "relationship". There is no relationship; watching a narcissist interact with the grandkids is like watching a repeat of a tv show you have always hated. She will also use your kids as lovely narcissistic supply.

Do consider posting on the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point.

They've made it plain both by word and deed you, and in turn your kids, are not important to them. You are the scapegoat here and therefore your kids are also scapegoated. Hell, these two would rather wait in for some parcel delivery than see you all; that is how low you are down in their pecking order.

You have been trained and or otherwise conditioned to put their needs first with your own dead last. This is likely why you still want to try with them. Many such adult children fall into that same trap.

Do not see them at Christmas!!!. No good will come of prostrating yourself in front of them in a forlorn attempt at getting them to notice you. You need to stay away and reduce all further contact levels.

This is true, they have done so many things over the years that have upset me or not supported me. I have reduced contact to protect myself. I have asked them if they would help out or watch the kids and in 9 years they have done this twice. Eventually I stopped asking after I was told no so many times.

I was told that going out for a significant birthday at lunch time (to make it easier for them not at night) it was the shit end of the deal to stay home with my child.

i feel like I have tried, they could come visit whenever they like but they don’t want to is how it feels.

That's really sad, and adds a lot more information to your original post. Unfortunately I think you are right - they are just not that bothered about being part of your lives. They want to be like that without feeling any of the associated guilt that they rightly should feel, so try to make it your fault when you have raised it. I think you have to try and accept that these are their true colours and do what you need to to protect you and your kids.

You seem to be putting all the blame for this on your mother, what is your father's role in it?

Your mother hasn't been the parent you want and deserve but given this is how she is, why do you think she could be a good grandparent?

I think life would be easier if you accept that this is who she is and stop wasting energy wishing she were different. Perhaps consider therapy to explore how you come to terms with this. In the meantime, drop the rope and match their energy. You are not depriving your children of anything by not going to see grandparents who care little about them. Concentrate on spending time with those you love and who's company you enjoy.

To move past the hurt, we must leave yesterday as yesterday and try to build bridges from the distance first.