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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please be sensitive. DH and I really aren’t working because..

26 replies

Elephant9 · 13/12/2025 16:22

..he doesn’t listen. He doesn’t prioritise me and the kids.. he just isn’t who he claimed to be.

look, it’s been 10 years. I’ve had 10 years of battling with his parents - we’ve had an awful relationship, I’ve had multiple miscarriages, health scares, but I’ve been blessed with two wonderful children.

when we got together it was wonderful, albeit rushed, but he was great said all the right things etc.
then we married, his parents treated me like absolute crap.. and that’s being nice..
we moved out, we tried to sort our relationship out. He was always too horizontal and emotionally blackmailed by his parents.

anyway. We got to a place where I thought.. yep.. we’re good!
but over the years he just is so infatuated with sports on Twitter and tv- he ignores me. I ask him to do xyz or not do xyz, you can bet he didn’t hear me. I’ve missed our loads, but I’d be here all day oh and sex life is pretty much nonexistent too.
I love the guy, I know he is kind and a good dad when he isn’t buried in sport. But he’s such a shitty husband. I’ve told him many times I don’t feel loved.

I told him I’m done and exhausted. We can co-parent and leave it at that. It sounds harsh, but I am tired. I thought it would give him the kick up the backside he needed..it hasn’t. Infact he hasn’t even spoke about it. He goes quiet and looks like a deer in headlights!
I am not perfect, I have my flaws but I generally carry this family, house, relationship. It’s a lot.

I need solutions. I am not ready to give up entirely on mymarriage. What can I do?

OP posts:
ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 16:23

How old are dc? Are you both working?

Original poster
Elephant9 · 13/12/2025 16:24

I’ve just gone back to work
after dc’s 1st and 3rd bdays. Both working yes @ThisLittlePony

OP posts:
FestiveBauble · 13/12/2025 16:25

Honestly, what do you think you can do? He hasn’t changed or made an effort in all of the years you’ve been bringing this up - why should this be another thing for you to try to do?

If you’ve told him that you’re done and he genuinely didn’t even speak about it then that shows you how much he believes you (or even cares!). I know if I said that to my DH he’d be broken and trying to figure out how to fix whatever it was that had gone wrong, not ignoring it.

KimHwn · 13/12/2025 16:25

I think that if you've sat down and explained calmly that this will result in the end of your marriage, and that's STILL not enough of a motivation for him to change, it's just dead. I'm so sorry. It's not easy is it?

Original poster
Elephant9 · 13/12/2025 16:25

@FestiveBaublei think he isn’t taking me seriously to be honest. But maybe you’re right

OP posts:
3luckystars · 13/12/2025 16:26

Could you go to marriage counselling?

Staying married is hard.

krusovice · 13/12/2025 16:29

He needs to hear you're serious and have a chance to respond. I'd be asking him to make time for a conversation and actively leave his phone in another room to lay out how you feel, being explicit about how close you are to ending things for these reasons. His response will determine whether he hears you properly, and I'd be asking for clear actions as a result of the discussion - think of what an improvement would look like for you - more shared tasks? More time together? How can he prove he's making an effort? Concrete examples would be helpful if he genuinely doesn't see or know what the issues are so he can actively do better. If he doesn't ask or want to change, your answer will be clear in terms of needing to end things or live with never having your needs met.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2025 16:30

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why are you not ready to give up on your marriage?.

Is it because of the children?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.
Is this really the blueprint they should be learning from, for them to potentially replicate this themselves?.

Your man is so laid back he is horizontal and he’s never had your back here. He’s been a wet lettuce also when it comes to his parents and is far more afraid of them than he ever is of you. he wants their approval even now and he’s used you as a buffer between he and them.

Women in poor relationships also write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. This is who he is and he’s not going to change. Don’t wait around for him to have some epiphany because that is unlikely to happen.

FestiveBauble · 13/12/2025 16:32

@Elephant9you sound like you’re making so much effort and trying to save everything, but it’s like if he’s in the sea and you’re trying to get him out, you’ll never be able to drag him out on your own if he isn’t going to hold onto the life ring you’re throwing to him. In your shoes I would try and step back a bit from carrying the relationship, see if he notices a change. If he does - perfect, he’s paying attention and perhaps you can come together and find ways for him to help. If not, then perhaps he is too involved in his sports etc.

There needs to be something absolute that he does to help start things in the right direction because at the moment he’s not even giving you lip service.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2025 16:32

When someone shows you who they are it pays to believe them. This is who he is and he’s checked out emotionally a long time ago. You can’t keep this going on your own.

OttersMayHaveShifted · 13/12/2025 16:39

You've made it clear to him how you feel, and his response is... nothing. He doesn't want to step up. He's not interested in being a good husband. He just wants to carry on doing what he wants. He's not responding, because there is no response. He's probably hoping that if he just looks at you like a deer caught in the headlights, you will give up and won't bring it up again.

InBedBy10 · 13/12/2025 16:47

Stop begging a man to love you and treat you right. He is who he is and after 10yrs, hes not going to change.

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and he just isn't interested. Think about it, if you stopped all effort today would he even try? Or would the relationship die?

I went through this with my ex. Told him over and over how unhappy I was, how I needed him to change. Gave him so many ultimatums hoping he'd realise he was going to lose his family and change. He never did because the truth was, he just didnt care. I look back now and realise he only stayed with me to keep a roof over his head.

Original poster
Elephant9 · 13/12/2025 16:50

I would just hate to have to 1. Do this to my kids 2. Start my life afresh 😫
but I think you’re all right… 😔

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 13/12/2025 16:55

Yanbu to be sick of things but if he doesn’t care about how you’re feeling then you are screwed because he won’t change. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

SillyJilly2020 · 13/12/2025 16:55

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 16:23

How old are dc? Are you both working?

He knows its already done. He either doesnt want to fix it or doesnt have the energy to

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 13/12/2025 16:55

Well you can't do anything if he won't engage

What I would do is pull my finance info and make a plan for separation

Then I would have a come to Jesus conv with him and say either we sort this, or we call it

Then if he is up for working on it I'd have counselling and really work on it for a year

If he's not up for it, I'd proceed with divorce.

That's that really.

OfficerChurlish · 13/12/2025 17:08

I told him I’m done and exhausted. We can co-parent and leave it at that.

Have you specifically said you want to divorce, live separately, and split up responsibility for/time with the children equally? Or does he have the impression that nothing will change except your attitude to the marriage - that is, you'll still live together but you'll stop trying to "save" the relationship between you two? If the latter, I'd guess he doesn't think he needs to do anything.

You need a face-to-face conversation - no distractions, and definitely no TV, phones, children, etc. - for as long as it takes for you each to say what you need to about what comes next. If there's really no way to get him to focus for that long, then unfortunately the relationship's probably unsalvageable as there's no way to communicate. If you CAN have the conversation, see if he has any desire to continue the relationship and if so (and you still feel that YOU do) then couples counseling is probably the way to go. But I would still fear he'll agree but - even if he attends the sessions - won't put in the ongoing hard work needed to reconcile.

ThisWormHasTurned · 13/12/2025 17:17

As someone who was in a similar position 4 years ago: yes, it’s tough. I can’t sugar coat it. But honestly, after adjusting to the changes, my DC is so much happier without a disengaged father at home. She’s a fair bit older but she’s choosing not to see him now. He is not a positive person in her life. We are SO much happier and calmer. Our home is full of joy and laughter.
Its very lonely being the only one in a marriage who cares

GreenCandleWax · 13/12/2025 17:28

If you really want still to revive something in the relationship, you COULD explain again and when the deer in-the-headlights look (scared?) comes on, tell him that either you go to couples counselling together and you see a real improvement in the marriage in three months time, or its over. If he refuses its over now. You will have to really mean it though, and carry through. But at least you will be absolutely sure of where his priorities really lie. So sorry OP. It sounds like you are exhausted from the one-sidedness of it all.💐

InBedBy10 · 13/12/2025 17:33

Elephant9 · 13/12/2025 16:50

I would just hate to have to 1. Do this to my kids 2. Start my life afresh 😫
but I think you’re all right… 😔

I was the same which is why I stayed so long.

I wont lie, the first year after the break up was tough. It is an adjustment but 3yrs later i can Honestly say im happier than ever. Its soul crushing being with someone you know doesnt care about you. I was constantly stressed out and pissed off having to constantly beg for the bare minimum. And still never getting it. Now all the resentment I had is gone and I feel 100lbs lighter. I really wish I left him sooner.

IAmKerplunk · 13/12/2025 19:25

How is he a good dad?

Original poster
Elephant9 · 14/12/2025 12:20

Thank you all for your responses, they really have given me a lot to think about!

I researched some couples therapy thanks to this too.

I want him to bring it up - I don’t want to be the first to try and “fix” this - as always. I want him to say, come on let’s talk… but I think u may all be right and he simply does not care anymore so planning to exit might have to be the only solution.. it hurt to write that

OP posts:
TalulahJP · 14/12/2025 12:35

it might be because he doesn’t believe you.

if youve said similar for years all he hears now is “blah blah” amd thinks she won’t do anything anyway just ignore her and dinner will be on the table later as thats what always happens……

ypu need to show his that this time it’s different. this time youre done. one of you will be moving out. etc.

a sit down factual non-emotional discussion is needed about how you feel and what you need and see what he wants from life - wirh no phones or dc in the room.

Hallywally · 14/12/2025 12:47

He doesn’t prioritise the kids but he’s a good dad? That doesn’t make sense.

CagneyNYPD1 · 14/12/2025 12:58

My dear friend is married to a man like your husband. She has tried and tried. Then tried some more. He’s been like it for years. She stayed married to him because she does (did) love him and she didn’t want to lose the family unit.

She has finally given up and is divorcing him. Their 3 dc are teenagers. She is a shell of the woman she used to be but I see glimpses of her returning. She is nearly 50 with a stalled career and a small pension pot.

He has drained every last ounce of love and patience out of her.

He’s not been unfaithful nor physically abusive. But he simply didn’t listen to her for years and years. His career, friends and hobbies were put before her and the dc every time.

Don’t end up like my friend.