Is it me or is it the relationship?

[BitTheDust]

I would really appreciate some advice figuring things out and to perhaps gain an outsiders perspective. I will try to keep it short but include as much detail as I can. I recently turned 30 and have been feeling like there is a something missing in my life, a lack of fulfilment I guess.

For context, I am a lone parent to a toddler with a very minimal to none existent support network. I work part time, enjoy a range of hobbies in my small child free window, have a routine and would consider myself to have a somewhat "stable" life. I was generally happy.

I have also been in a relationship with a guy for almost a year now and am somewhat happy. The connection we have has been quite intense since the beginning but i personally am starting to think that perhaps there isnt any depth beyond to make this an actual relationship. We rarely do anything, don't hardly communicate both in a general sense or a deep conversation, he isn't very wordy or complementary and spends a lot of time doing his own things. It seems we have settled into a sort of co-habitant 10 year marriage or something.

I just feel a bit meh right now and don't really have anyone to offload onto or get any healthy advice from.

I think if I were you I'd think about/write down what are the really important things to you in an ideal relationship then work out which of those you have.

If you have settled into a sort of routine coexistence without the fundamentals of really enjoying each others company, having good chats, and enjoying doing the same activities then it sounds like it might have run its course?

Can you give a bit more information about how the relationship has been 'intense'? You say you have a connection but don't really communicate.

Is it/was it a physical connection and maybe that's wearing off?

I feel the most stable relationships have attraction, affection and allegiance. Does yours do you think?

A relationship is not a relationship without conversation. Doesn’t sound like you do much of that. Hanging out, talking, doing things you both enjoy doing together (walking, singing, shopping, watching tv, going to the cinema… doesn’t really matter what) … that’s the secret sauce. Supportive and fun companionship.

I guess it depends a bit what you are looking for. If you just want some sex or adult company but aren’t looking for a deeper relationship or to build a family with your toddler then maybe this is ok for now. If you are looking for love and a true connection then I think you have your answer…he’s not the one. As I’m sure you know, it’s not easy to make long term partnerships work so if it isn’t quite working already at this point, it probably won’t change. Of course it is possible to work on a relationship and maybe you would both make an effort to do more/communicate more for a while but ultimately you would probably settle back into this pattern and it doesn’t sound like it quite works for you. On the other hand there is something to be said for having some fun outside of being a lone parent so, if you can keep boundaried, you may feel you want to hang onto this for a bit longer. But I personally would be wary of trying to turn this into something it isn’t and ending up having to extract yourself when you are more deeply embroiled x

@PunishmentRoundupWithJoon what i mean by the intense connection was that spark was instant, the corny feeling of it being it, the right words were said, we almost immediately started spending a lot of time together and the feelings developed quite quickly, the physical side has always been a good match and has consistently stayed that way, although isn't as frequent.

However, there hasn't really been any fun, no dates/days out, no substance or emotional depth if that makes sense. We are at the point now where he is inviting me over to shove me infront of the TV whilst he does his own thing, frequenly in another room. Conversations are literally just "how's your day been", "do you want a coffee", texts are 1 or 2 a day and usually nothing to actually reply to, if that makes sense. He can go days without speaking or checking in, never says he misses me or anything that expresses an emotion or feeling.

I don't know if im just being a bit needy and expecting something more sparkly or whatever as i do enjoy time on my own myself.

Thanks for clarifying. Have you spoken about doing things together? Did you go out for meals or coffee at the beginning? What were your first 'dates' like (if you had them)?

It sounds like he's taking you for granted. If he's expecting you to be happy with being plonked in front of the TV to be 'entertained'! As you said, maybe after a 10 year relationship but certainly not at this stage!

Have the two of you spoken about the future - expectations, etc?

Oh I like that

And you're definitely not being needy! Your expectations are perfectly reasonable and he's lucky you're still around!

You and this guy have sex and that sounds like that's the only place you connect.

You want a full blown relationship with emotional depth and commitment.

You won't get that from this guy if all he's done is have sex with you for a year. Park you in front of the TV and go off on the other room, sheesh. He's not even trying the least little bit.

What’s the point in a relationship if there’s no depth or deep communication. It sounds like you had an instant spark but that has naturally run its course.

I wouldn’t be settling for what you have especially after a year. You should still be in the fresh phase of getting to know each other as people, doing things together that you haven’t done before and building a really solid foundation for your future together.

Want more for yourself.

Speak up, vocalise that you want more from him and exactly what that looks like and if it happens, great. If it doesn’t you know what to do.