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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel uncomfortable

23 replies

Ablq · 13/12/2025 12:32

My partner and I have had a difficult relationship for years. I finally got the courage in the last few months and was very honest and told him how I feel. I’ve been being more and more honest each week. With last weekend me asking him to leave again. We had a very calm and rational respectful conversation and I felt so relieved. Personally for me too much damage has been done and I’m constantly on eggshells. Since telling my partner how I feel and asking him to leave, he has insisted he will change and in fairness to him has been the perfect partner in the last week since the conversation. The problem is it’s making me feel so uncomfortable. He has never randomly bought me flowers or run me a bath in the last 6 years but he has this week. He even offered to play a board game with me. He’s on top of the house work and being so nice to me. It is very weird. I feel guilty because obviously I can see he is trying but I can’t help but feeling like I just want to be alone. The tricky part is we have young children and his older children that live with us and 2 weeks till Christmas. I feel so upset because it takes me a lot to actually say how I feel, and I felt pressured in to continuing. Now he’s being perfect but I know it is not real, this won’t last I’m sure the old behaviours will come back. But what if they don’t and he continues to be perfect, I don’t think my feeling will change and that scares me. I can’t get over the feeling of just wanting to be alone. He seems so enthusiastic about making it work. I just don’t understand why it’s taken 6 years of begging and me hitting my breaking point. I don’t know what to do. I can’t go anywhere as I have no family around and the house is in my name. I feel like I’m being suffocated which feels so stupid to write.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 13/12/2025 12:37

As it’s so close to Christmas with kids involved I’d tell him while you appreciate the efforts he’s making but it doesn’t change anything and you want him out after Christmas, certainly before the New Year. Agree on a date, then after Christmas tell the children.

Nannyfannybanny · 13/12/2025 12:40

I think your first few sentences say it all.. You've had some difficult years,are you able to elucidate on why. You have asked your partner to leave it, it does sound as you want out of the relationship. In the past you wanted acts of kindness you are now getting, but they aren't your "normal", so they don't "feel" right.. how old are your children and his,is the mum around? Do you work, how old? Sorry for the questions, they all have a bearing on how things are and might be in the future.

Lillibridge · 13/12/2025 12:41

Most on Mumsnet will tell you to ditch him. That's usually the go to advice for any given situation.

If he's trying, then he's taken what you've said on board (finally). That can only be a good thing. Personally, I'd let slide until the new year. See how you feel then.

SparklyGlitterballs · 13/12/2025 12:46

He's probably having a panic about the thought of being made homeless if the house is yours. Shame he couldn't have improved in the intervening months and years though.

Do you think there's any chance of rescuing the relationship if changes are made? If so then maybe some couples counselling would help.

If not then I would say to him that whilst you appreciate his efforts, it's too little too late and you want the separation to happen after Christmas (to limit disruption for children).

AudiobookListener · 13/12/2025 12:50

His behaviour now shows that he could have been this nice all along. But he chose not to, for years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2025 12:50

I would be telling him to move out asap and certainly after Christmas which is but two days after all. It’s your house. He needs to go and his gravy train needs to come to an end. Such men do not change and all this from him now anyway is too little and too late.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2025 12:53

Walking on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear. Do not undertake couples counselling with him. He is the problem here, not you and besides which abuse, if it has been present in your relationship, is not a relationship issue.

Springtimehere · 13/12/2025 12:54

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InSpainTheRain · 13/12/2025 12:57

Sorry you are going through this OP. It seems he thinks he can salvage the relationship, but for you it's over. I think you need to make it very clear to him, something like "I appreciate all the nice things you are doing, but for me our relationship is over. It's not about doing nice things, it's about me going ahead with my life on my own". Or similar (sorry not great with words) but you really need to spell it out to him.Then give him a date when he will be gone by, and tell the children.

gamerchick · 13/12/2025 12:58

It's fine to want him out. But since he has children he has to re-home with him I'd probably have a sit down conversation on logistics of that. Can the older children go to their mother's until he's sorted?

Original poster
Ablq · 13/12/2025 13:13

Our boys are 2 and 4 his girls are 14 and 16. I’m 26 and work FT he is unemployed (since July) but apparently starting a new job via agency beginning of Jan. My main issue which now bothers me more than ever, is that he cheated on me while I was pregnant and I believe that he only told me as he got an STI. I was very mentally weak before, since then I’ve lost my mum very expectedly and over the years I feel much stronger and like I’ve found myself. I feel like I will never be able to trust him. He also is very angry bar the last week. I’m terrified of my boys turning out like him. I know that’s horrid thing to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ablq · 13/12/2025 13:14

Yes they probably could, though I am the main parent, not him. So it feels like I’m letting the girls down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ablq · 13/12/2025 13:15

Yes, I think this sounds like a fair plan.

OP posts:
NotrialNodeal · 13/12/2025 13:18

Ablq · 13/12/2025 13:13

Our boys are 2 and 4 his girls are 14 and 16. I’m 26 and work FT he is unemployed (since July) but apparently starting a new job via agency beginning of Jan. My main issue which now bothers me more than ever, is that he cheated on me while I was pregnant and I believe that he only told me as he got an STI. I was very mentally weak before, since then I’ve lost my mum very expectedly and over the years I feel much stronger and like I’ve found myself. I feel like I will never be able to trust him. He also is very angry bar the last week. I’m terrified of my boys turning out like him. I know that’s horrid thing to say.

I was thinking you should give him a chance but given this update he needs gone!!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2025 14:20

He needs to go asap. He has let his children down here, not you.

GreenCandleWax · 13/12/2025 14:28

mondaytosunday · 13/12/2025 12:37

As it’s so close to Christmas with kids involved I’d tell him while you appreciate the efforts he’s making but it doesn’t change anything and you want him out after Christmas, certainly before the New Year. Agree on a date, then after Christmas tell the children.

You will probably have a calmer, happier Christmas, especially for your DC and his DC if you accept what he is like now to get through Christmas for you all. Then after it is over tell him that the relationship is done and give him a date in January by which to leave. I wouldn't tell him before Christmas.

GreenCandleWax · 13/12/2025 18:04

When I wrote the above about Christmas I had not seen your most recent post, OP, Am now possibly rethinking the advice. What would be best for the DC, yours and his older ones?

Omgblueskys · 13/12/2025 20:31

Aww op so sorry your in this situation, but please listen to your gut, its telling you you have checked out and that's fine op so you should, him trying his best now doesn't work that's why your feeling as you do,

So you do need that conversation with him ' that its too little too late ' he needs to leave, relationship is over, or course you can decide the leaving till after Xmas but its got to be on your terms op, at least you won't need to try or walk on eggshells trying to play happy families,

Save yourself of weeks of this feeling and get it said, you both know were you stand then,

Wish you luck op

QuirkyMoose · 13/12/2025 22:54

Until I saw your update I was going to say I'm sure you feel frustrated but really, your partner can't read your mind. If you wanted him to extend the kindness of running you a bath you've got to tell him. So many men are few infuriatingly literal and have to be instructed. It's terrible, but if you give them instructions directly they'll often do what you ask. I hate that too but, it is what it is. And the fact that he hasn't played a board game with you, how the hell is he supposed to know that something you want to do? And some of the other examples and I was thinking I think you're being unreasonable....

But then you said that oh by the way he also cheated on me, and I only found out because he told me because he had an sti. Well, that's not cool.

Pryceosh1987 · 14/12/2025 02:25

Feelings come change in any setting, we must go beyond feelings when it comes to firm and strong love.

HoppingPavlova · 14/12/2025 02:30

You should definitely bin him, but you have put up with him for 6 years, and given you indicate no abuse as such (in which case my thoughts would be different), I can’t understand why you would do this now, rather than waiting until New Year. Otherwise, the kids are always going to associate Xmas with this. Worse case is he will be a lazy, selfish arsehole for 3 weeks, right? Otherwise Xmas is going to be like a nuclear explosion for all the kids.

FunMum2019 · 14/12/2025 02:42

I’d be even angrier that he knows what to do to be a decent partner, but chose not to until you were absolutely done with his nonsense. Good luck OP, I hope you’ll be significantly happier by next Christmas

Original poster
Ablq · 14/12/2025 09:20

Don’t worry guys, I’m not going to do it before Christmas! I love the kids like they are mine!! Also it’s my sons birthday on Christmas Day so either way we will be spending it together I presume

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