Male friend attitude to women

[NorthernGirl1975]

I was talking yesterday (on the phone) to a friend of mine, a man, and he asked me how my PhD research is going. It's based in gender studies and I talked about how I'd been reading magazines from the 60s and 70s and the advice about looking good to catch and keep a man and he asked "what's wrong with that?"

He went on to tell me that he's been dating a woman but that has ended and he was upset about it but said he'd give me more info when we spoke next time. He said something about being a better man to get the right woman. I remember when we were undergrads and he was talking about his then girlfriend and saying he wants to be a better man for her.

This triggered alarm bells but am I overthinking it? He's always been a good mate but he's always also been very hard on himself all the time. Is this Tate-esque?

Surely it depends on what he means by better man. You know him so if you immediately think Andrew Tate you could be right. I naively thought of - better man as more thoughtful/aware etc.

Not sure what hes said thats wrong. All things being equal the bwtter looking you are then the more chance you have of finding a man / woman... thats logical, and equal for both sexes.
And wanting to be a better man or a better woman... how is that related to Andrew Tate (admitedly i know very little about what he actually says)

Depends what he says when he unpacks it - being a better man has lots of perfectly reasonable meanings. If he isn't familiar with women's mags of the 70s he might also interpret looking good to catch a man as being what anyone would do if they were dating.

I might be overthinking it. But again I've always had a sense of something with him that I can't place. He's not a bad person.

I think I might be at a similar stage to your friend OP, as have just come out of a LTR and am at that reflective stage. Taking stock of what happened, why and also how I can improve and be a better man.

Knowing I need to look after myself better, take time out for me, do more exercise, dress better and just knuckle down and improve myself all round (including finding a few more signature dishes to cook).

And when the time is right to think about dating again, I want to be the best version of myself possible so that I can (hopefully) attract the best partner (for me) possible.

It’s likely your friend is thinking along similar lines.

I assumed he meant better as in more considerate, better listener, more supportive etc.
And as for looking better to catch/keep a man, well let’s be honest, do you take extra care when going out on a date? Do you try and look your best? Hopefully the man does too!
So not entirely sure what ‘attitude’ he has that you are worried about?

I don't really see the issue with this?

I'm naturally a really lazy person. If I lived alone, I'd do significantly less housework. I'd only run the hoover round once a fortnight, my bedsheets would get changed once every couple of months.

Instead, I change them weekly, I do the hoovering every couple of days. I'm not doing that for me, I'm doing it because she deserves a partner who does half of the housework.

That's just one example, but I've spent every day for the last 20 years trying to be a better man for her, because she deserves the best version of me.

I think most people who love their partners want their partners to love them back, and sometimes that means changing aspects of yourself to fit their wants and needs.

I don't think there's anything wrong with women or men wanting relationships or making an effort to find one.

Thanks that's helpful.

Yeah it all depends what he means but just with the extremely small bit of information that you've given plus I don't know this guy, I don't know any past conversations you've had, or how it was said, but it sounds like he's trying to make himself a better person for his partner. And being a straight man, he wants to be a better man for his female partner.

I too want to be a better woman. Not better than other woman. I just want to make myself better. Better than the woman who I was before. Not that there was anything wrong with me before I just feel that we all could improve. We could all learn to be more patient, more kind, more considerate, we could all learn that being a martyr isn't actually best for the relationship, that staying quiet all the time and keeping your feelings to yourself may seem like peacemaking but it actually causes more trouble down the line and it's better to be communicative. I try to become more empathetic, I tried to see other points of view even if I don't quite understand them. I feel that this makes me a better woman. Maybe that's what he meant. That he needs to be a better man. But he has to listen more and he has to be more considerate and have more patience and whatever. I'd like to think that. I'd like to think that there are more people out there who are thinking about how they can improve themselves to be better people, not just how they can attract a better person and then be a worse person themselves. There's enough of them around.

The beauty of friendship is comfort in dark times.