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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife’s Affair

16 replies

pp123ab · 13/12/2025 09:54

My wife started emdr therapy a few months ago and had her first session in November to help with anxiety and panic attacks.

Since that time she had embarked on an ‘affair’, meeting this chap a few times and just kissing.

She has done this once before about 8 years ago. She suffered a lot of childhood trauma and certainly wasn’t set a good example of how to be in a relationship.

We have three kids and all I want to do is protect them from divorce until they are older.

I’m absolutely devastated and I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
NewTrews · 13/12/2025 10:05

Let her go, if she loved you she wouldn't have done it.

bitterexwife · 13/12/2025 10:06

By staying with her, you’re continuing the cycle of children not being set a good example of how to be in a relationship

Pinkissmart · 13/12/2025 10:06

Your efforts to protect them from divorce will just expose them to an unhappy house and unhappy marriage. Two happy functioning parents are better than an unhappy home

TwistedWonder · 13/12/2025 10:11

Agree with PP. You’re not protecting them from divorce, you’re letting them grow up in an unhappy home showing them that cheating is ok.

Far far better for them to grow up with separated parents who are both happy and independent than knowing their parents only tolerated each other for the sake of the kids.

Hillrunning · 13/12/2025 10:12

Have I understood correctly that the affair partner is the therapist? If so that highly unethical of him, I would be reporting him.

As for your wife's behaviour, you said it yourself, she doesn't know how to be in a healthy monogamous relationship. Im so sorry. This must be really horrible and still raw for you. I understand what you say about the kids but you cant be miserable for years. Put on a brave face till post Christmas then end things.

Lillibridge · 13/12/2025 10:22

I would let her go. It seems to be a cycle of behaviour. She'll continue to hurt you if you stay. My partner has had two affairs. One online and another physical which lasted quite a while.

oatmilkisntsobad · 13/12/2025 10:25

I absolutely agree with reporting this therapist. I’m wondering if she has been manipulated in some way.
would you consider relationship therapy (with an ethical and professional therapist!) so she can understand the impact of this on you? And you can see if there is a way forward for you both.

Original poster
pp123ab · 13/12/2025 10:35

Just to clarify it isn’t the therapist she is with.

OP posts:
QuirkyMoose · 13/12/2025 10:52

To be honest I had to read over your post a couple of times in order to figure that she wasn't kissing the therapist.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this I'm sorry for your children as well.

Everybody's so quick to jump to divorce, aren't they? It's not that easy.
But, I also believe that it's better for kids to have two separate but functioning adults in their life rather than living in a situation where they're seeing an experiencing a dysfunctional family dynamic that because it is accepted and not talked about, silently teaches that cheating in a relationship / having an affair is okay.

At what point is just kissing someone else not considered to be okay? Emotional affairs and physical affairs that haven't extended the full on sex is still cheating on your partner if the other person is not okay with it and I don't think you're okay with it.

Original poster
pp123ab · 13/12/2025 11:37

QuirkyMoose · 13/12/2025 10:52

To be honest I had to read over your post a couple of times in order to figure that she wasn't kissing the therapist.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this I'm sorry for your children as well.

Everybody's so quick to jump to divorce, aren't they? It's not that easy.
But, I also believe that it's better for kids to have two separate but functioning adults in their life rather than living in a situation where they're seeing an experiencing a dysfunctional family dynamic that because it is accepted and not talked about, silently teaches that cheating in a relationship / having an affair is okay.

At what point is just kissing someone else not considered to be okay? Emotional affairs and physical affairs that haven't extended the full on sex is still cheating on your partner if the other person is not okay with it and I don't think you're okay with it.

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, everyone is quick to jump on the divorce and it really isn’t that simple. I know that can be seen as an excuse but it’s very complicated in our case.

Apart from this issue we have a very happy content household where the kids are thriving.

The pain of betrayal is very difficult.

OP posts:
Kidsgotothatschool · 13/12/2025 13:22

@pp123ab i mean this really kindly, mumsnet is not the place for affair advice for a man. There are many women on here who are rather black and white when it comes to females cheating and they’ll go down a ‘she must be so unhappy in her marriage’ narrative which is not true AT ALL. She’s certainly unhappy in herself.

Get yourself on Surviving Infidelity. It’s a fantastically supportive site which will support you through and has very experienced empathetic male posters who will help you. Post on their just found out forum.

I know many reconciled couples and very successfully reconciled, it took time, it took empathy, it took healing but it worked. What they all have in common is they both really wanted to heal. All have very happy adjusted children. But this is the second time for your wife and she seems very unsafe for you. Does she even want to repair it?

Get yourself there and the support you need, I’m so sorry that this has happened again. Take care of yourself.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 13/12/2025 13:54

Sorry you are going through this. How did you find out? Did she tell you? If so maybe she wants to start a conversation about your marriage?

Original poster
pp123ab · 14/12/2025 08:00

Thanks for the advice.

im really torn about it all and I find myself wanting to fight for the marriage but then I just can’t do it again.

how do I emotionally detach from her?

OP posts:
Kidsgotothatschool · 14/12/2025 08:33

Surviving infidelity has a strategy called the 180, that may help you detach emotionally so you can think straight.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 14/12/2025 08:35

I think we need way more details to be able to help OP- what is she saying about this 'affair? Is she remorseful? How does she explain it and does she intend to continue?

Original poster
pp123ab · 14/12/2025 08:54

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 14/12/2025 08:35

I think we need way more details to be able to help OP- what is she saying about this 'affair? Is she remorseful? How does she explain it and does she intend to continue?

She isn’t saying too much about it apart from it’s nice to have someone be nice to her. She is remorseful about how it has hurt me but I don’t think about actually starting it.
they have only met a couple of times and she sees it as a friendship. Her mind seems to be completely scrambled.

she has said that she won’t carry it on for the children’s sake but who know.

OP posts:
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