DS breaking contact agreements with dad

[MrsSnape]

I have just posted about DS1 and his karate competition.

Well his dad doesn't know at the moment if he can contribute towards the cost but almost as a final thought I remembered to let him know that DS would not be going his house next weekend as he's supposed to. This is the 2nd time in a row.

He's supposed to have the kids every fortnight, last weekend DS had a karate tournament so didn't go and the next tournament is on the next weekend he's supposed to be at his dads.

I asked ex if he minded and he sighed and said "no" but it was obvious he did.

Thing is DS doesn't like going to his dads, they never go out anywhere and just stick in the house all weekend watching his gf's kids playing on the xbox, even when its blazing sunshine outside.

My question is, should I make this the last time DS pust karate before his dad or since the weekends are boring at his dad's should I continue to let him put karate before the weekend contact?

DS is 9, should he have the say in this?

Could your EX be the person to take DS to Karate / be invited to watch the Karate competition / pick up from Karate so that he is still responsible for his son on that day?

The fact that he is clearly not happy about it, but letting your DS do it suggests to me that he is genuinly disappointed about not actually seeing him (but puts DS's feelings/wants above his own).

Maybe a discussion involving DS, you & Ex about commitments as he gets older and what they each want to acheive from their time together may be appropriete now that DS is of an age that he does want to 'do' more and has his own 'life' going on.

Thanks for the reply. I have invited his dad to everything, school plays, achievement assemblys, karate gradings and the competitions...he always makes an excuse. I suggested that he take him to football club once a week but he said he was too busy.

He;s not prepared to put any effort into DS but expects him to want to go and stay at the weekend...thing is though when they do stay there, ex spends all his time on his computer in his bedroom and the kids are left to their own devices downstairs with his girlfriends eldest son in charge.

I did warn him that as DS got older it would be him that wanted DS, not the other way around but he still never made the effort.

Well in that case I think you have done all you can, and I don't think that you should stop or prevent DS from doing his clubs & commitments etc in order to spend time with his dad.

The dad is the adult. If he can't be bothered to actually put the time & effort required in, then I don't think it should be down to your 9yo DS to do so.

I would carry on as you are and if your Ex states unhappiness at the situation I would explain that DS would love for him to part of his life...and that being an active 9yo his life now involves Football Club, Karate, school plays, assemblys etc. At that point (if it ever arises) also explain that DS isn't gettng much out of the visits as he'd like. He wants to spend time with and 'DO' things together with his dad - not just physically be inside a different set of 4 walls for the weekend.

Good luck!

It would be such a shame for your DS to miss out on all his hobbies and the developmental things he likes to do because his dad is a lazy arse.

He sounds like a lovely boy - i agree with you that he should have some say in it. Can you help him talk to his dad? Or would this look like you were stirring up trouble?

I think you have done everything you can, you arn't shutting his Dad out of his life,as you say you are inviting him to everything,and giving him plenty of opertunites to be involved.
It would be a shame for your son to miss out on activities to spend the weekend, bored, indoors and having no meaningfull concact with his Dad,who is cloistered upstairs on the computer!