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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel I am being manipulated.

24 replies

exhaustedpp · 12/12/2025 12:18

DP and I have been together almost 2 years and have a newborn baby girl.

We both have separate homes, mine is rented and he owns his. We live together at my house with our DD and my DS (17) (who is from my previous marriage).

I let DP stay with us after DD was born, so he emptied his home and sold most of his belongings and moved in. He has to do lots of work on his house and then plans to sell it and we buy a home together.

However, recently I have had huge doubts about our relationship. DD wasn’t planned, but I am so thankful for her as my DS and I feel she has completed our family. She’s precious. DP on the other hand has shown many red flags in the time he has stayed here. To name a few, his Mum is awfully overbearing and has overstepped boundaries many times. DP has never stepped up and addressed this behaviour with her. In fact, I posted about her behaviour on Mumsnet a few weeks ago and you all told me to run! There are many other issues such as he has a wandering eye, is emotionally immature, doesn’t do his fair share of parenting responsibilities, I do absolutely everything, goes to gigs and plans nights out etc.

I recently told him how I felt and explained that I don’t think I can do this anymore. He then came back to me saying he was having dark thoughts. We then didn’t speak for a day and I felt relieved and relaxed away from him. Then he came home, woke up at 12 pm the next day and when I told him I think it’s time we go our separate way, he told me he was thinking about ending his life. I obviously tried to support him but it immediately shut me down (due to fear from my end) and we went about each day since like nothing had happened.

Until last night. He went to another gig and was gone for 7 hours. He usually checks in (we have an 11 week old baby), but didn’t last night. I went to bed frustrated and upset because I want to leave and stop feeling like this. He got back at 1 AM and tried to hug me and I said no. He then asked what he’d done wrong but I ignored him and went back to sleep. About an hour later, I woke up to him moving around in the walk in cupboard and he was tying his dressing gown rope around the top bar rail where his clothes are. I asked what he was doing, he said nothing and ran back to the bed and said not to worry but it was clear to me that he was trying to paint a physical picture of his intentions… I think?

I couldn’t go back to sleep after this as I just felt so distressed. After briefly discussing it, he went to sleep.

He is now up this morning acting like nothing happened.

I have no idea what to do. 😭

OP posts:
Horrorscope · 12/12/2025 12:31

I’m suggesting this is controlling manipulation. Tell him to go back to his house and on the first threat of suicide call the police.

Redruby2020 · 12/12/2025 12:39

No suggesting here, not sure if your partner has any mental health issues, but all these things you are saying he does, is only when you stand up for yourself and want to end the relationship. So all other possible things aside, this is massively a case of manipulation and emotional blackmail! Thank god you still have your own places still, you need to get him out. And if anything like that happens you call the police.
Not sure on his intentions to sell his place and buy together. My guess is he would have probably ended up staying at yours, and what would that have looked like! I don’t think he would have bought a place with you, I think he would of kept the money from the sale, and continued to stay where you rent, and what contribution has he or will he have been making god knows!

mondaytosunday · 12/12/2025 12:52

saying one is going to hurt themselves when told a relationship is over is classic manipulation. You are but responsible for his mental health and do you want someone like that around your children? What exactly dues he mean by ‘dark thoughts’? Are you worried he may harm you or the children? Get him out. Do you have a friend who can help you? My sister had to get a male friend to come with her when her emotionally abusive boyfriend wouldn’t leave her house. He made the guy move out - getting his stuff together and escorting him out.
Your partner can move back to his - it’s not really your concern, but he does have a place to go.

MarginWalker · 12/12/2025 13:05

This should not be your problem. You need to focus on you and your little one. He needs to be checked into a psychiatric unit where the staff is experienced with emotionally manipulative awful people.

Since the rental is in your name, you can ask him to leave, and if he won't, call the cops. That's it, the end.

NewCushions · 12/12/2025 13:12

Yup, this is 100% manipulation and coercion. And pretty cold blooded with it - purposefully waking you up and pretending to try hang himself with a dressing gown? Puhlease.

And I'd put money on it being significantly more advanced than even what you're written here. I bet that seeing as he has a house he's "paying for" he doesn't contribute financially at yours either?

I'd tell him it's over. If he threatens suicide suggest that he calls the Samaritans. Get him out, change locks. He will escalate. Do nothing more than, if necessary, request a welfare check from the police.

He is NOT suicidal. But even if he was, it is not on YOU to keep him alive. it's on him. And I speak as someone who has a much loved family member who has genuinely had suicidal thoughts and who, much as I love him, I have had to make it clear to him that HE has to solve for this. I can't. His wife can't. His parents can't. It's on him.

WelshRabBite · 12/12/2025 13:28

Get him away from your child.

Ask him to move out immediately. Tell his parents that he’s having dark, suicidal thoughts and also his GP, even if it’s just via email.

Then keep him away from your child.

Threatening suicide is an emotional abuse tactic, but why risk your life or your child’s life if he decides to take you with him?

Talk to people; his family, his friends, social services, and tell them that he’s having dark was fashioning a noose with his dressing gown cord.

An abuser is counting on your silence and compliance, a sick person needs help; by telling people you break the abuse cycle &/or get the sick person help, both are good.

gamerchick · 12/12/2025 13:34

Horrorscope · 12/12/2025 12:31

I’m suggesting this is controlling manipulation. Tell him to go back to his house and on the first threat of suicide call the police.

This is the only thing you can do. He's gone full throttle with the threats and they are just threats to keep you in line OP.

Never entertain this stuff. Tell his mother what he's doing. The more people who know, the less impact these threats have. You have to protect your baby.

DaisyChain505 · 12/12/2025 13:48

Your had a baby with a man you’ve known for two years and who you’ve never lived with. You havent had a proper length of time or the experience of living with him to actually know who he is fully and it sounds like you’re now seeing his true colours.

Don’t make any plans to buy a house with this man.

Blueuggboots · 12/12/2025 13:52

He is a grown man. His mental health is NOT your responsibility.

outerspacepotato · 12/12/2025 13:54

When he threatens suicide, you call the police. If he's doing it to manipulate, having to explain to them he weren't serious so you don't get taken to the ER and put on suicide watch deters it from happening again, plus there's a record of them having to go to the scene for that. If he's serious, it's a psychiatric emergency and he should be taken to the hospital and evaluated and placed.

FinallyHere · 12/12/2025 14:33

outerspacepotato · 12/12/2025 13:54

When he threatens suicide, you call the police. If he's doing it to manipulate, having to explain to them he weren't serious so you don't get taken to the ER and put on suicide watch deters it from happening again, plus there's a record of them having to go to the scene for that. If he's serious, it's a psychiatric emergency and he should be taken to the hospital and evaluated and placed.

This. Spot on this.

All the best for you and your baby.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 12/12/2025 14:44

You need rid of him, but you need to be very careful. He is very likely not serious about harming himself, but we have all read terrible stories of men with a ‘If I can’t have them nobody will’ attitude.

So yes I’d ask him to leave, at a calm time during the day when your DS can be out and someone can have the baby. Have someone with you if you can. If he refuses to leave, call the police and tell them he won’t go and that he has a history of suicide threats making you scared. When he’s gone, have the locks changed.

dobbylan · 12/12/2025 15:01

Get him to refer himself for mental health support or end it.

He needs help if he really has s* ideation

ChristmasinBrighton · 12/12/2025 15:36

He needs to leave. This is totally unfair on your DS.

If he threatens to kill himself you hang up and call emergency services. Again and again. He will stop.

TreeDudette · 12/12/2025 15:38

He is obviously manipulating you. You need to pull up your big girl panties and chuck him out. He can get support from his family if he is depressed.

Mossstitch · 12/12/2025 15:46

Manipulation and cruel when you have not long had a baby! Get rid quick. Nobody that was so depressed that they considered suicide would be out at a gig and I've lived with relatives with depression.

TwistedWonder · 12/12/2025 17:46

Horrible manipulate controlling behaviour.

You didn’t really know his true character when you fell pregnant and now he’s showing you whinge is and it’s not pretty.

Please don’t let him manipulate him into staying with him. Put you and your DC first and get him gone

PashaMinaMio · 12/12/2025 17:52

Blueuggboots · 12/12/2025 13:52

He is a grown man. His mental health is NOT your responsibility.

Tell this runt of the litter to go back where he came from. He’s attention seeking, weak and definitely trying to manipulate you. Dont put up with this $hit any longer. Kick him out.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/12/2025 18:01

NewCushions · 12/12/2025 13:12

Yup, this is 100% manipulation and coercion. And pretty cold blooded with it - purposefully waking you up and pretending to try hang himself with a dressing gown? Puhlease.

And I'd put money on it being significantly more advanced than even what you're written here. I bet that seeing as he has a house he's "paying for" he doesn't contribute financially at yours either?

I'd tell him it's over. If he threatens suicide suggest that he calls the Samaritans. Get him out, change locks. He will escalate. Do nothing more than, if necessary, request a welfare check from the police.

He is NOT suicidal. But even if he was, it is not on YOU to keep him alive. it's on him. And I speak as someone who has a much loved family member who has genuinely had suicidal thoughts and who, much as I love him, I have had to make it clear to him that HE has to solve for this. I can't. His wife can't. His parents can't. It's on him.

Controlling, manipulative behaviour designed to pull you into line. Get him out, this needs to be over.

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 12/12/2025 18:17

If he was trying to hang himself he wouldn't have made a performance out of it so you'd come 'interrupt' him. He's pathetic.

unsync · 12/12/2025 19:25

Tell him to leave. Read 'Why does he do that?' - it will give you an insight into his behaviour and hopefully save you from further abusive relationships.

arcticpandas · 12/12/2025 19:30

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 12/12/2025 18:17

If he was trying to hang himself he wouldn't have made a performance out of it so you'd come 'interrupt' him. He's pathetic.

This. Is he on drugs at these gigs? Anyway he's not acting like a father because he still lives his life as a single childfree man. Out he goes, claim cms and focus on your children.

MinnieCauldwell · 12/12/2025 19:57

I had an XBF who would threaten suicide every time I tried to end it. Eventually I told him to go ahead. He then threatened to take me with him. You need to end it, but carefully. Talk to Womens Aid

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