Friend keeps asking for “quick favours” that end up eating half my weekend

[GirouxSein]

A close friend has got into the habit of asking me for small favours — grabbing something from the shop near me, helping her with a form, popping by to keep her toddler entertained for a bit. None of it sounds major but every time I agree it turns into a long thing.
Last weekend I went over to “help for 20 minutes” and ended up staying nearly two hours because she kept adding things. She’s not doing it maliciously but I’m tired of my weekends disappearing.

OP what are you actually getting out of this relationship? If you aren't getting the same satisfaction that they are, why keep giving your time away, which is the one thing that NO ONE CAN MAKE MORE OF. If you can't start putting yourself first, you'll never stop being used. She sounds like an energy vampire and needs to understand that she's not entitled to your time unless she's giving something back. Simple give and take.

You need to make yourself less available and stop running around for her. People like her take advantage of people like you.

Stop being such a people-pleaser. You’re going to have to choose the discomfort of saying no over the discomfort of saying yes and silently resenting it.

I do know how you feel as I have had to do this. Some friend ask me to babysit so they can ‘do x important task together’ but then often I have babysat for hours and find they have done x task but also gone out for lunch together, gone Xmas shopping and wrapping etc. nobody gives me a break to do that and it’s taken hours of my time. I didn’t begrudge it but may also have paid for soft play for the kids etc but they didn’t pay me back.

the final straw that made me start saying no more often was when I asked a favour for the first time ever. They forgot to pick my kids up from school so they were left waiting and I was fielding calls from the school whilst at a funeral. Since then I have made sure things are social I.e. doing things together but not giving up whole weekends to help when the help didn’t get returned

Ignore messages from her, because if you answer, you aren't busy, are you?

Make a plan in a diary of your weekend plans and stick to it. You don't have time, see?

Say ' Cheryl, I have no spare time. Probably best to ask someone else. '

Just say no. You have your own stuff to do. Op I find that too if you keep doing it she be asking.. god its cheeky

Just say no.

Um say no?

I suspect she is lonely. How about - I am having a few weekends to myself because work has been so intense. I don't mind helping out now and again in the new year but I have been spending quite a lot of time helping you out recently and need to concentrate on my family/ myself for a bit.

‘I have my own plans today.’

Yes, I think this is better than -‘ I’m too busy.’

You don’t have to be busy to want your own time, specially at weekends. You might just want to sit with your feet up watching football.

‘That doesn’t work for me’ is also a good and useful phrase.

Something like this. ‘Sorry I need to decompress this weekend. I keep getting asked to do favours for people and it’s taking time out of my weekend for my planned things which is making me struggle. Have a great Christmas though and I’ll see you in the new year’.

Have a reply ready when the phone rings, such as "Oh you just caught me! I'm popping over to see (insert name), can I ring you when I get back?
Ring her back; she's a friend, after all, but not too promptly. Re-establish kindly that you have other things going on in your life.

Just bring up in general conversation how busy and stressed you are. Most people are busy with their own stuff.
Then if she says can you give me a hand with x you can say “no I’m really behind with everything so I need some time to catch up.”

You’ll feel so much better when you learn to say NO. It’s so important.

Sorry I am busy. Or when arrive say, I have something else at 11am so have to leave by 10:45 etc

Exactly this. I used to be treated like this a lot and I was so resentful. Now I say no if something doesn’t suit me. It feels so much better

Exactly this. I used to be treated like this a lot and I was so resentful. Now I say no if something doesn’t suit me. It feels so much better

If setting boundaries and not being always available to do her favours means falling out she's not a real friend, she's a user

Does she ever do anything for you or is it all one sided?

A quick favor is rarely ever quick. You say it that way because it minimizes the interruption it has on your day.

If you literally live next door, and you literally have nothing to do and you're sitting around twiddling your thumbs and your friend calls you up and asks you to help with a 20 minute job, you'd be happy for something to do.

It sounds like you have a much further commute to get to your friend, and the job is never quick and easy it always drags out as such things tend to do.

I've gone over to a friends for a quick favor before, a job that literally could only take 20 minutes but they can't do on their own, but I don't drive home after that. It's 50 km to get to their house, it's 50 km to get back, once I'm there, I'm going to have a cup of tea or we're going to go out for lunch or we're going to go out and do something together or we're going to have a visit, yes it's true that they may have said they needed me for a quick 20 minute thing but it does end up eating up my entire afternoon and I don't love that.

Once in a while, for something that's really important that they can't wait to get resolved and don't have anyone else that can help them for, well, I'm happy to help, but you got to keep in mind that I only have so much free time and you're taking it away from me. That's how I feel

Get used to framing things around your own convenience, to emphasise that your time is important too. So whatever she asks either say "no" if you don't want to do it or, if you do want to help her, change something about the request. So, for instance, "I'm happy to help with that form but I'm busy at that time, but I'll have about 30 minutes in between other commitments at X time if that suits." Then when you arrive emphasise that you must leave on the dot of whatever time, and then leave at that time. When she adds tasks say that you'll only have time to do the one thing that you agreed to.

Sometimes I don't think people understand what is easy or difficult for other people. I always get a bit of a chill down my spine when my Mum phones and says "could you just ..." because generally that will seem straightforward but sometimes morph into a huge time sucker. Whereas when she phones with something 'difficult' and is apologetic about asking and grateful when it's done, it's almost always something straightforward but technology based that I can do sitting at my desk in 10 minutes.