I’m not really sure where to start. My wife and I have been married for almost four years. We met through mutual friends and married quickly partly because I was struggling with my mental health at the time and felt relieved to finally connect with someone after years of searching.
Looking back, I had doubts about my physical attraction to her even while we were dating. I hoped those feelings would grow because we connected so well emotionally and shared a lot in common. I thought that was more important than the “butterflies” or physical spark I had felt with past partners.
My wife has been through a lot of trauma and is also on the spectrum, like me. She can be very sensitive and insecure, and sometimes has a temper all of which I know is connected to her history. The problem is that she isn’t getting the affection and reassurance she deserves from me, because I haven’t felt happy in the relationship for a long time.
We’re not very compatible sexually, and I catch myself seeking excitement or validation elsewhere, which I know isn’t healthy. Physical and sexual attraction matter a lot to me, and it’s something we’ve always struggled with. At the same time, I care about her deeply and I suspect my past with pornography has played a major role in distorting my expectations and reactions.
I feel torn, and I don’t know what to do next. I want to handle this with honesty and kindness, but I’m stuck. Any advice would be appreciated.