Concerns around DH behaviour

[UnbalancedMum]

Hello,

I need some guidance as I am struggling with my DH and I cannot fathom if it is me that is the problem and I am seeing things that aren't really there.

We've been together 16+ years, four children. I've had concerns on and off for years however recently, my own mental health and confidence has improved and I am noticing more and more things.

We differ greatly in our parenting approaches, I work in mental health, with background and experience in SEND. Our children have ADHD and two have autism aswell. I focus very much on regulation, adapting to their needs, picking my battles (anyone with SEND children will understand I'm sure). DH is very dismissive of their diagnoses (and my own) and he see's the parenting as "me vs him, his way or my way" and he often comments that he does things my way because I'm controlling, but my way "doesn't work". He can have a very accusatory tone and short fuse, which with sensitive children can lead to meltdowns and dysregulation very quickly so I often mediate or "interfere" otherwise I end up picking up the pieces. He says this irritates him.

In a discussion recently I explained I "interfere" as he has a bit of a temper and a short fuse(for example threw a plastic lid to the point of smashing it to pieces as it "was in his way of his things in the cupboard"), he appears to have a low tolerance for the children sometimes and is quick to be annoyed when they do not listen or act in the way he believes they should. He took great offense to this and deflected it saying I have a temper. He said these conversations are always directed at him and how he could do better or must change.

I work full time, run the majority of the home and am the "default parent", I will often work from home, do dinner, help with homework, be present with the children etc. When he comes home after collecting children because I have worked late he is miserable to the point of not speaking and I can feel how tense the atmosphere is, it's walking on eggshells and I have to make a conscious effort for the children not to be aware of it. This is twice a week.

Another red flag that has not sat right with me, when discussing consent with our oldest we were discussing the "TEA" concept, where if someone is unconscious you do not give them tea etc, I was explaining it as he had not heard and I said if someone is asleep or unconscious you wouldn't give them tea, his response was "well she didn't say no". This really set me back as I've never had these concerns before but it did also make me realise that his tolerance for me is much lower when he is "unsatisfied".

I think I know the answer I just feel like I am seeking out negatives now and this is concerning me incase I am looking for things that aren't there or I am reading too much into things.

Thank you

It sounds really miserable, and the tea/consent thing is concerning. Has he ever done anything you didn't want him to? The answer is divorcing him and being happy next year

No, not to the extent of me saying no and him doing it anyway, but I am a people pleaser and feel I can't say no or I have to "make things up to him" because I've caused some upset or issue so i often just give in etc.

So coerced then

yes this is as bad if not worse than you think

OP, you're not reading too much into things. I'm sorry. How are your finances?

You sound like a lovely, caring, responsible, parent.

People pleasing as well often arises from wanting to parent please an otherwise absent or emotionally unavailable parent/s. Please get therapy for your people pleasing because it's doing you no favours at all. Your H takes full advantage of your people pleasing nature.

This re your H is indeed as bad if not worse than you think it is. Your children in turn are learning a lot of damaging lessons about relationships.

This is really bad. Sorry. 💐

Thank you.
We private rent, receive UC and CB, I work full time with no debt, but may need to make some cut backs or find a cheaper place to rent, I would have to sit and work it out I think.

I see a private therapist, my people pleasing does stem from my childhood, I am working on it. This is why I wanted advice to see if it's "all in my head" and I will also discuss it with her next time, I've made a list of concerns on my phone.

No it is not all in your head.

Your children are also aware on some level that things between you and their dad are not great at all. You cannot protect them fully from his silent treatment (aka emotional abuse) of you and in turn them whilst you are all under the same roof.

Even if he was attempting a joke about the tea consent model, it wasn't an appropriate joke to tell in front of a child because the child might not recognise that it's a joke.

And given that he breaks kitchenware because he thinks that you stored it wrong, I don't think that he's joking.

Leave this abuser.

I’m amazed you went for 4 dc with him! No early recognition that he’s not great. He’s probably worn down by your family for various reasons. He’s not got much going for him and he’s obviously wanting a different life. Maybe let him have one.

Thanks for the insight that he is worn down by us. I’m not stopping him from leaving and leading a different life, he can make his own choices.

Looks like we found the one MRA who voted "stay" on heresay's thread.

@UnbalancedMum I think you're doing great. You're doing all the right things so that your DC will learn how to value themselves and their well being.

Op you sound like a great mum, and you will have a great life with your children once you get this man out of it. He adds nothing positive from what I can see. You do all the heavy lifting in the family. He just drags you down, sulks and guilt-trips. The whole family will walk on eggshells to keep this manchild happy. He really isn't worth it.

Given your children are neuro divergent, have you seen neurodivergence elsewhere in your families?

DH can be a bit like yours. I have had to teach him that it isn’t necessary to slam and bang and shout when something goes wrong, and it’s really unpleasant for everyone else. He has gradually dialled it down, but it took work for him to detach roaring from dropping things. It was a kind of reflex.

When I read that he is dismissive of the diagnoses and that he had said that your way doesn’t work it struck me that he thinks he can stop the behaviours that irritate him. That his way will change your children into what/ who he thinks they should be. Obviously you are perfectly qualified to explain the diagnoses and what is to be expected, but some men need to be told things they don’t understand by someone less close to them (and often not by a woman). It’s insulting. It’s misogynistic. But if he is one of those men and you can suffer how disrespectful that is, can you think of a man who might be able to explain how he needs to adapt to be a better husband and father; someone whose opinion he might actually consider.