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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being paranoid

4 replies

Incywincyspider2 · 09/12/2025 21:36

Sorry this may be long, been married 20 years plus both of us are in our early 50's. Quite by accident around a few months ago I found out that hubby had been watching women on you tube like haul videos, underwear models that sort of thing. He had been doing this most days not one offs, i know some people would be ok with this but I'm not . I found out that he had been logging in under another name. I confronted him about this as it upset me, I told him this and he said that all men look pretty women and seeing pretty women made his willy twitch. I felt sick!!! He said he still loved me and i let it go. I still felt hurt. After that he logged out of you tube so I couldn't see what he had been looking at. Roll on a few weeks ago and I was snooping, I know I shouldn't have but this had been playing on my mind. I looked at his ipad, I do not have any passwords for any of his device's, phones, ipad. He has never given them to me or allowed me to access any of these items. I only looked at his notification centre which comes up when you open the iPad and I found that he has been subscribing to a few you tubers, females who do haul videos etc i think you get the idea, well this all came to a head last week and we had a big row, I asked him about the you tube thing, told him how it made me feel and I asked him twice to be honest with me and he said he didn't subscribe, which I find really hard to believe as they came up on his notifications and not just as 'for you' videos, they contain more shorts of women!!! He told me that I was paranoid and that even if he said it wasn't true I wouldn't believe him and this would get worse and I would become more paranoid and he wouldn't put up with it but I asked him twice to be honest and if he said no he wasn't then I would have to believe that and move on.i don't know if he subscribe to anything else like only fans of anything like that. He said I would never have access to his ipad. Then he stormed.off to work, when he came back he had calmed.down and it hasn't been mentioned since, it's like it never happened. Since then he has stopped all notifications coming up on his ipad but I feel really shit and hurt, he lied twice to my face makes me wonder what else he lied or lying about and what else he is looking at. Am I overreacting? He h as made no effort to put my mind at rest At all of address any of my concerns. I feel he gives me the sick every time I look at.him.

OP posts:
Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 09/12/2025 21:47

You are not okay with it. He thinks it’s fine and knowing you are not ok with it he will just keep doing it and finding more creative ways of hiding it from you.
Are you prepared to live like this? The only way it “might” change is if he knows you will leave him if he does it, but if you give any ultimatum are you prepared to actually leave? If not, then you need to find a way to live with it. Don’t try to convince yourself you are okay with it or that you have to accept it, because you never will and you don’t have to accept it. You’d have to accept your marriage has become a marriage of convenience though if you stay because the trust and respect is gone. Or you can leave.

AngelaTheBaker · 09/12/2025 22:05

What?
Haul videos? Like "I went shopping at B&M and this is what I bought"?

He explained it by saying they "made his willy twitch"?

A 50 year old man watches videos of women talking about their shopping to get off on and he explains this using the word willy?

And you're bothered that he finds other women talking about their shopping attractive? How do you cope with him leaving the house and seeing other women in person?

Squishedpassenger · 10/12/2025 07:28

I think we are all allowed a private, solo, sex life.

FatCatPyjamas · 10/12/2025 11:07

Squishedpassenger · 10/12/2025 07:28

I think we are all allowed a private, solo, sex life.

Exactly. If a partner tried to control my "alone time" habits I'd be pretty pissed off.

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