Get back in contact now?

[CandyCaneKitten]

My ex has always been a bit useless as a father since we split, he often disappears for up to a year at a time, this time however has been the longest time he hasn’t been involved (over 2 years) in march he got in contact asking to see them and to “help” me with them (at this point it was coming up to the 2 year mark) I was angry at him for how long he had disappeared and not bothered with the children and the kids weren’t bothered about seeing him so I told him what I felt and he didn’t respond. However since then a lot has happened and changed and now I’m thinking I should accept his “help” and get back in contact with him as things have changed since the last time we spoke. Would it too late to get back in contact now?

'the kids weren’t bothered about seeing him'

and are they ' bothered ' about seeing him now ?

personally I wouldn't bother, there is every chance he will let them now again

You could try but I don't think he sounds reliable. Are the kids coming to an age they are asking about him or looking for a father figure?

I think all kids want a father figure really but they do want a “father” just not him as the bond wasn’t there but things change I guess

What has changed since then?

My situation with the children has changed and I would like his “help” now

' help ' or money ?

Then no, you would be silly to go down this road. Re-starting contact is to the benefit of the children (or anyone) when the person you’ve been protecting them from has changed. Not just because you’ve decided you’re willing to lower your standards.

The only exception would be if you were terminally ill and the children will likely lose you in the near future and you don’t have a suitable guardian. Then I’d consider whether it was worth the risk of bringing an unreliable, disengaged parent rather than them going into care.

he doesn’t work so it’s certainly not his money!

Is there any justifiable reason for his absence? Does he disappear because of mental health issues or a dependency?

There’s a high risk he’ll appear and then disappear again, and your children don’t need that. They need stability.

Well he says mental health reasons

It is for the benefit of the children.

You’d be silly to get back in contact now, only when you have decided it’s best for you, yes.

If he was no good for them before, he still isn’t now. And respectfully if he gave a fuck about them then nothing you said would ever have kept him from seeking contact so it’s absolutely not in their best interests to try and drag him back into their lives only because it suits you now.

How would it benefit the children if he’s just going to vanish again? Surely he will cause more upset?

I obviously wouldnt just let him back straight away we would have to establish boundaries and he would need to prove he is able to be consistent

Why do you think he has changed?

Well it’s been 2 years and people do change

people do change - do they

he often disappears for up to a year at a time, this time however has been the longest time he hasn’t been involved (over 2 years)

yes I agree, the change is even longer than previously, and right now it must be 2.5 years plus...

I understand how it may look but we have spoken in the last 2 years on a few occasions. He just has not seen the children but he has contacted a couple of times

contacted a couple of times - how often is a ' couple' 2 ?
contacted who ? you or the children ?

a couple of times - wow really is father of the year - in over 2.5 years...