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Original poster

I don't find my partner attractive anymore...

13 replies

BlueBirdTea · 09/12/2025 21:23

I'm 24, my fiancé 31. We've been together for about 2 and a half years now, have one 16 month old son and another baby on the way (I'm now 20 weeks along). We plan to tie the knot in late January but I'm getting worried that it's not the right choice.
He was my first for basically everything, first proper date, first proper boyfriend, first intimate partner, first everything. We've been going through a rough patch I guess, this "patch" being more like since before I got pregnant with my first. And it's exhausting. He's from Bulgaria and I'm from South Africa, we both met and now live in England. We always used to blame the conflicts on cultural differences, but it's becoming too much to just be that. We still have good moments but it doesn't feel enough.
I feel like he's expecting too much from me, it's like I have to do all the thinking for everyone. When we go out, it's my choice on where we go but he'll complain about it whether it's about where we go or if I say I don't want to go out anywhere. It's my choice on what we eat every time of day, but then he'll complain that it doesn't sound or look good. It's my choice if he takes odd delivery jobs on amazon flex, it's my choice on absolutely everything.
There's always something he can find to complain about, whether it's my apparent tone of voice or the fact that I didn't pick up the 5 toys on the floor while he was gone for all of 10 minutes and I still had to cook and look after our toddler.
I feel like I'm losing myself. Breaking myself to try to fit his mould. At first it was fun to play wife and be the women that made all his friends jealous. He says he loves me, I ask him what about me does he love? He says everything. Yet if I change much more there won't be anything of the original me left for him to claim to love.
He can be really great and caring, don't get me wrong. He's never hurt me. And he's an incredible dad. I really want to believe that I still love him but it's getting so difficult to differentiate between the parts of me that are me and the parts that I created for him.
Obviously, with all of the confusion and conflicts, I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. I don't even find him attractive like I used to. I don't smile when his name pops up on my phone, or when I think of my future with him.
I'm typing this all through tears so obviously there's something still there for him...right?

I'm sorry if this is all really confusing to read or doesn't make sense. I just want to know if it's still possible to fix this. I want to fix this, for me and my growing family.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueBirdTea · 09/12/2025 21:27

Crossing my fingers that this is all just a fever dream and I'll wake up and we'll be happily ever after...

OP posts:
Mindfulmother01 · 09/12/2025 21:27

Hi op, I'm really sorry you're struggling and it's hard to say whether this is just an inevitable rough patch that you've hit as parents to young children, or your gut is telling you something you should listen too.

When you think about being separated and the difficulties that come along with that such as co parenting, finances, being a single mum etc, do you still feel a sense of relief? If so then maybe it is best to do what is right for you

Mindfulmother01 · 09/12/2025 21:28

It's also really hard to find someone attractive that you have to rub along with day in day out of you don't have an emotional connection (imo)

PigeonsandSquirrels · 09/12/2025 22:47

He sounds like a wanker who thinks he can treat you badly because you’re ‘trapped’. Have you sat him down and said listen this isn’t ok?

Seaoftroubles · 10/12/2025 11:47

I think you need an open and honest conversation where you explain how you feel. Also couples counselling might be a good idea so you can learn to communicate better. Would he be open to that?

MarginWalker · 10/12/2025 12:08

Oh OP, I’m so sorry this is hard. Was the relationship ever really strong, with open communication, where you felt you were yourself and he was your equal?

Timelineuk · 10/12/2025 12:14

BlueBirdTea · 09/12/2025 21:23

I'm 24, my fiancé 31. We've been together for about 2 and a half years now, have one 16 month old son and another baby on the way (I'm now 20 weeks along). We plan to tie the knot in late January but I'm getting worried that it's not the right choice.
He was my first for basically everything, first proper date, first proper boyfriend, first intimate partner, first everything. We've been going through a rough patch I guess, this "patch" being more like since before I got pregnant with my first. And it's exhausting. He's from Bulgaria and I'm from South Africa, we both met and now live in England. We always used to blame the conflicts on cultural differences, but it's becoming too much to just be that. We still have good moments but it doesn't feel enough.
I feel like he's expecting too much from me, it's like I have to do all the thinking for everyone. When we go out, it's my choice on where we go but he'll complain about it whether it's about where we go or if I say I don't want to go out anywhere. It's my choice on what we eat every time of day, but then he'll complain that it doesn't sound or look good. It's my choice if he takes odd delivery jobs on amazon flex, it's my choice on absolutely everything.
There's always something he can find to complain about, whether it's my apparent tone of voice or the fact that I didn't pick up the 5 toys on the floor while he was gone for all of 10 minutes and I still had to cook and look after our toddler.
I feel like I'm losing myself. Breaking myself to try to fit his mould. At first it was fun to play wife and be the women that made all his friends jealous. He says he loves me, I ask him what about me does he love? He says everything. Yet if I change much more there won't be anything of the original me left for him to claim to love.
He can be really great and caring, don't get me wrong. He's never hurt me. And he's an incredible dad. I really want to believe that I still love him but it's getting so difficult to differentiate between the parts of me that are me and the parts that I created for him.
Obviously, with all of the confusion and conflicts, I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. I don't even find him attractive like I used to. I don't smile when his name pops up on my phone, or when I think of my future with him.
I'm typing this all through tears so obviously there's something still there for him...right?

I'm sorry if this is all really confusing to read or doesn't make sense. I just want to know if it's still possible to fix this. I want to fix this, for me and my growing family.

i lost all sympathy for you when you said at first it was fun to be his girlfriend and the one who made all his friend jealous! Who even thinks of fun about making people jealous.

but here you are so now you’ll have to stop playing the victim and just have an honest discussion. You’ll be a lot happier.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 10/12/2025 12:24

You chose to have two kids by him. Their welfare should be your primary concern, not teenagerish romantic fantasies.

Are you capable of supporting yourself and 50 percent of the children’s support? What are your educational credentials and work qualifications?

Lurkingandlearning · 10/12/2025 12:50

I don’t think love kicks in until you have been with someone for quite some time. Those wonderful feelings we have early in relationships aren’t love. Certainly not the solid enduring love that makes building a family easier. It sounds like your relationship has gone the way many relationships do in the first few years. You’ve got to know each other well enough to know that now the initial excitement has passed, you aren’t compatible long term. Time to work out how to co parent and split up.

BruFord · 10/12/2025 13:08

You need to have a serious conversation about his moaning and second-guessing. I used to be a bit like this with my DH - want him to make decisions and then moan about the choice he made! It’s a way of avoiding responsibility.and is very unattractive.

Tell him that if he wants you to make the decisions, he mustn’t moan about your choices. Or he can make the decisions himself. Constant moaning and criticism is horrible, this will be contributing to the way you’re feeling. 💐

Apparentlyitschristmas · 10/12/2025 13:17

Have you said any of this too him OP ? or are you scared of him ?

Raising babies is tough on any relationship, I know we had some really tough times sometimes when our DC were small . Our relationship was fairly new when DC 1 was born - about 2.5 years and we were still in many ways getting to know one another . We are coming up for 20years now though and he is very much my best friend .

LongOutBreath · 10/12/2025 13:36

Why were you making all his friends jealous? Because you were younger and therefore hotter?

I know our culture heavily socialises women to believe their worth is fully bound up in their youth but the rest of your OP hints at the other reason younger women are sought out by particular men. He was your "first" everything. Younger = less experienced, less able to detect bullshit, less likely to have heard it all before etc

I know 7 years isn't the hugest age gap, but at 22 you were young. Perhaps you've just gained some wisdom now which is allowing you to see him in a different light?

Original poster
BlueBirdTea · 10/12/2025 20:01

All good points... I was young and ignorant that's definitely true. I might still be to some extent honestly, to think that I could fix it. Making people jealous wasn't about making them unhappy or upset, it was more so that I've never been the topic of someone's jealousy so it made me feel like I was doing something right. That could still come off as immature though so I'm sorry if that offends you.
I will try to have an honest conversation with him, I need to be sure that it's not just in actual fact a "rough patch".
Thank you for all your comments both good and bad. They have helped me become more aware of how toxic I can be, and the toxicity of my relationship.

OP posts:
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