First Christmas when NC with my mum.

[LondonLady1980]

So it’s been almost 8 months since I’ve been NC with
my mum due to having a dysfunctional relationship with her since my early childhood really (I’m now 43).

Over the last 8 months I’ve read so many books on growing up with emotionally dysfunctional mothers and the damaging effect of having an emotionally abusive mother etc, and I went to counselling for about 3 months to help me unpick everything. It’s been difficult.

I’ve had lots of moments of weakness over the last 6 months in particular where I’ve doubted my decision, but then she’ll just go and do something awful again that reinforces why I’ve done what I have and it reinforce to me what kind of person she is.

But it’s coming up Christmas now and I’m finding it really difficult.

All I can think is that I don’t want her to be on her own and that if she’s sad and unhappy it’s going to be all my fault.

I know this is due to decades of being made to feel like I’m responsible for her emotions, and being made to feel that as her child I have to tolerate everything she does to me and put my own feelings aside and prioritise hers, but it’s still hard.

I also know that Christmas is such a high risk period for suicide and I can’t stop thinking that what if she hurts herself and it will all be my fault.

I don’t know what to do or how to stop myself from having these thoughts.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

It isn’t your fault. And anything that happens in the future is not your fault.

She is an adult with free will. She chose this. She had a lifetime to get herself sorted and be even a moderately decent, loving parent. But she chose not to because it didn’t matter enough. That’s on her and not on you.

I am NC with my mum, have been for nearly 6 years now. Any sort of holiday/occasion is usually the time when she reaches out to tell me what a terrible person I am. So that makes it pretty easy to not feel too bad for her! She does have a partner, but all his children and grandchildren are NC with him as well. So they spend Christmas alone, festering, probably posting loads on Facebook about their horrible children. I don’t feel too bad for them.

What I would say is, be gentle with yourself. Make this a time of year when you look out for you and take care of yourself. You don’t deserve to have someone treating you like shit.

If you weren’t worried about her being on her own, would you feel the same? Is it fear, and a sense of guilt that is driving you?
How was last Christmas with her? Was it fun? I’m guessing probably not. How have the last 40 Christmases been? Have you ever actually been able to enjoy a Christmas without being on eggshells?
It sounds like your mum has had 43 years of opportunity to be a better person. And didn’t take it.