My first post.. read a lot of fantastic advice on Mumsnet over the years
I don't actually know why I'm writing this, I guess to get out thoughts and frustrations without consequence, and possibly some advice from anybody in a similar or previously experienced situation.
Been with a man for nearly a year, met at work. First few months were great (as always), took it slow, both have kids from previous relationships, in our 30's. Had a few arguments in the relationship as a whole, neither of us is perfect and we both had individual work stress.
I've been cheated on in every previous relationship, as had he so trust was always going to be a difficulty in terms of being vulnerable.
He would go out a lot at nights saying he was bored, drink heavily on weekends when he wasn't with me. Over time it seeped into work days/week days. It occured when he had annual leave, 4-5 days of "being out and about" I didn't see him during this time
He has a few friends who I was led to believe encouraged him to drink and get sloppy. (This excuse didn't wash with me as no one can force you to drink or misbehave if they are your friend, there has to be willingness on your side behind it.)
Around summertime on an evening out, he went through my phone then got defensive saying it shouldn't matter if I have nothing to hide. He found zero. I had thoughts to end it then with the lack of trust but saw this as another blip and with our individual history, I suppose previous habits of distrust creep into every further relationship.
I found a message from another woman in his phone roughly 6 weeks ago. Claimed it's a family member/I don't know this person/wrong number, but took the phone back when I suggested let's ring her then. We separated and didn't hear from him until the next day. Attempted to get back on track until this last week.
I had a withheld number contact me with some damaging and frankly disgusting claims about him. Some linked into previous suspicions about other woman/women/drugs/lies, some that I wouldn't have believed and some that the more I think about are ringing true.
Needless to stay, when confronted, everybody's lying, out to get him, I'm the one with the issues, I should believe him, it's clear I don't love him..
Video and photo evidence and knowledge about me from people I have never met are very high indicators of truth.
The frightening thing is that random people have eventually seen the right thing is for me to know the real him yet he can't give me the respect of honesty. He's blocked but the craving for truth and wanting to be validated in previous suspicions tempts me to unblock.
They say when they show you who they are, believe them which I've seen on Mumsnet often, yet I've found myself in the situation where it actually applies.
Every happy memory feels tainted by the videos and photos. Did he ever actually like/love me or was it the attention he liked/loved?
No kids together, no house, no finances so in many respects it is a clean break and not comparable to others situations.
But surely I'm allowed to feel disappointed that once again, you never really know a person truly..
Am I easily manipulated or do I try to see the best in people?
The idea of love and relationships and a partner as a team sounds amazing, yet the reality is much harder and fraught with difficulty.