Hello all, I hope this post won't make me sound heartless but I'll try to word it as honestly as possible. I have known this friend, M, since 2002, she's actually my longest-standing friend. She was always good fun (and still is) but either she hasn't moved on in those 23 years, or I have tired of the friendship- possibly both. It's not as though I have changed dramatically- I moved abroad a couple of years after we met and obviously that's a literal ocean between us, but I am not that much changed. But I find her reactions to things (her reaction to her sisters with whom she doesn't get along, for example) as immature as when we first met when we were aged 20/21 or so. From what I can gather, tension was brewing for years but she has fallen out with the two sisters in the last couple of years mainly about the schedule of who should look after their father, who has Parkinson's. M doesn't have children and she told me the sisters seemed to think she could drop everything and go look after their father more easily than they could, despite living further away from the father than her two sisters. She has told me certain things they said to her that certainly seemed unfair, but she has also presented the scenario in a melodramatic way. When I suggested she reach out to her older sister, S, to at least get back on speaking terms, M said "Oh, I would only get a torrent of abuse in reply." I said "What kind of abuse?" and she replied, "S would say," You never listen, etc".
To my mind, that isn't abuse- abuse is calling someone a bitch, some nasty insult, or maligning their character. So I think M's dramatising in this and other matters may not have helped things.
In conversations, she will try to "conclude" what I've said or "tie things up in a bow"- if I say I have been to the cinema that week, and work is going well, she'll finish it up by saying "Well, it sounds like you're doing great and living your best life", which annoys me. I should say that I am not the most emotionally mature person in the world, either - I am highly sensitive and easily overwhelmed and stressed about things but perhaps because of M's tendency to dramatise a lot of things, I haven't shared things with her over the years. I told her when I really liked a guy some 10 or 12 years ago, for example, but haven't shared anything about dates I've been on with guys in the past few years. I am now seven months pregnant (single mum, IVF), which I am delighted about, and I haven't told her. She shared much of her own (in)fertility journey with me when she was going through it before Covid- since then, she seems to have accepted or is going through a process of accepting which I'm sure is very hard.
And as I'm sure you will agree that I can't just casually announce "I couldn't bring myself to tell you I'm pregnant, and I just want you to know I gave birth last month!."
I would rather let the friendship go at this stage. Phoning her usually feels like a chore. When I go back to Northern Ireland, where we both come from, I don't make plans to meet up with her - thankfully she lives in a different town but it would be easy to connect if I wanted to. I last saw her in September 2024 which is fairly recently I suppose, but she asks when I'm back for holidays and I lie and say a few days, even if I'm there for three weeks.
I still appreciate some of the giggles we share but- in all honesty - not much about the rest of her life interests me. She has created a drama out of the gay couple, Kev and Les, who live next door to her and her husband. She informs of how they meet each other when walking their dog, comments over the garden fence, her fascination with the neatness of another neighbour's garden and trying to figure out what he does for a living, etc. I really couldn't care less.
My life is about to change, and I am not sure I will have time, or want to make time for her in it.
I am sorry if this sounds cold-hearted, but I have never felt this way about a friend before.
I have been on the receiving end of friends who withdrew- how consciously they withdrew or not I'll never know- and it hurt me, but I am not sure what else to do. I am not a fan of the "big conversation". I would rather let things drift apart, but I am aware that might be unfair.
Grateful for any thoughts or advice here. Many thanks.