What to tell DC why we’re splitting

[Needanewoneforthis]

Husband has fucked up. I can’t forgive and I want out. He knows it’s over, but is begging me to reconsider, although I know he knows it’s done and there’s no going back, I won’t change my mind.

The problem is how to break this to our kids (DD11 and DS9) They don’t know I’ve kicked him out. They think he’s been working away and then that he’s been visiting family. It’s been 3 weeks. They have seen him as he’s been over a few times and I’ve been frosty but civil, so the kids don’t know there’s been a fall out. They’ve not witnessed any arguing, so I think they’re clueless. It’s not unusual for him to be away with work and this time of year is always busy with different things.

They do know that earlier this year that we had some problems, and as far as they are concerned that was because I felt that he was prioritising work over his family and therefore asked him to stay away whilst he worked on himself and how he was going to rebalance his priorities. He gradually moved back but it was so gradual that nothing was ever really said, it all just started to feel normal again and kids never said much once he was back full time.

It is HIS behaviour that has made us be where we are, but it’s me that wants him gone (quite rightly I might add) What do you tell kids in this situation? I know best case scenario is supposed to be you say it’s amicable and we’re friends, we just don’t love each other anymore bla bla, but I feel like I don’t want to take any responsibility for his bad behaviour. He caused all this so it should all be on him…right? Plus I suspect when asked by the kids he will say he does still love me and does want to stay, but he understands why I don’t want to be with him anymore.
Basically he’s cheated with prostitutes (details below), but kids know nothing about sex or anything like that, so I don’t know what to say. And it is humiliating so I don’t really want anyone else finding out so I wasn’t planning on telling anyone else that’s the reason we’ve spilt (partly because I feel like a mug, but mostly because I don’t want that info ever to get back to the kids)
Pretty sure husband will ultimately go along with what I want us to say, but I don’t know what that is.

Also when? Do I try and ride this out to the new year? I don’t know if I can tolerate him being in the house over Christmas and pretending that all is well. I feel selfish because I know that might be better for the kids and maybe they should have one last Christmas with us all together. I’m not sure I can grin and bear it though.

I don’t know if I can link to a previous thread, but I’ll try. Just to give more background on the situation if anyone wants it. If the link won’t work, feel free to search my username.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5452316-lie-detector-questions?page=1

Appreciate any advice, especially from anyone who has been through this. TIA

Also to add, we would need to sell the family home and both get new places as I can’t afford this house by myself.

It's tough but I'd tell them Daddy made a very bad mistake and you can't forgive him. At 11 and 9 they are old enough to understand some mistakes are simply unforgivable.

I'm sorry op, that's really hard.

I think the challenge with it is that you both need to be on the same page ideally with what you're telling the kids so you know they aren't being told different things and being confused. And he may be resistant to accountability where it's due.

I fully understand why you don't want to be put in a situation where you could be blamed for something that's not your fault , but equally your kids are quite young and their relationship with their dad will continue past your relationship with him and hopefully this will be a positive thing for them. So I think in that respect if it were me, I probably would take a bit of a hit in order to try and preserve that relationship for them but tell them more as they get older if you feel it's needed. Especially if you can't trust him to blur the details and confuse them. So I'd probably go down the line that you've both tried very hard to make things work but you can't be married to each other any more and you think you'll be better parents separately because you love your kids. (Or a variation to that) if they really push and you think they need to know more answers then I'd give them a watered down version.

The alternative is he needs to sit them down and say that he made some bad decisions that were very hurtful to mummy and sometimes when we make bad decisions we can't always make it better, so your marriage has ended, but you both love them very much and he's very sorry. I do think that's going to be more upsetting for your kids tbh because not only is their parents marriage ending, but their dad isn't the hero they thought he was. And that could still raise questions for them around why you can't forgive him, especially at that age.

My other worry, is that you also don't want to put him in the position where he needs to 'make up' for his poor choices and risk him becoming a Disney dad and undermining you in the process. Starting from a more neutral point from the outset of the split might set you up better for that because you are going to have to co parent with him.

I'm not sure there's a 'correct' way to do this op, it's really difficult and I think you need to take time - you don't need to rush this until you have the words and have been able to discuss that together in advance (when you can bear to look at the fucker) .I'd also just say, he's the one who should be humiliated. This is his shame to carry, not yours so let that go and hold your head high.

If you do it before Xmas i would actually try to do it soon and agree a plan of maybe trying to do some things separately and some things together but really it depends on what you can bear and what you feel ready for. It's a shit time of year for it. I did brave face it for a Christmas and it was really, really hard. You'll be in my thoughts xx

Thank you, but neither would accept that as enough, they would both be wanting to know what he did. I’d have to give them more than that, and even if I could get away with it short term, I’d have to give them more than that eventually. I’d love to be able to just say that, but it wouldn’t fly with my kids unfortunately.

I honestly wouldn't go into reasons with your kids, just say we've decided that we're better off apart and we both love you very much and will always be your mum & dad. While I totally understand how disgusted you are by him, you both are still parents and you will have to manage a co-parenting relationship with him in the future. I'd tell the children sooner rather than later - I certainly wouldn't be doing Christmas with him. Your children will be ok, there's never going to be an ideal time so do it now and get it over with.

You could tell them that their Dad has other girlfriends and he’s not allowed to do that whilst married, so you have to divorce.

Explain that you’re very sad about it and that they probably are as well, but the rules of marriage are very clear and once those rules are broken, you can’t remain married, so you have to split up and live separately now.

That’s the truth, but in a more child-friendly way.

Thank you all. It’s difficult to know what to do for the best. It feels so unfair taking any responsibility whatsoever in breaking my children’s hearts, when this is all his doing.

I wouldn’t go into detail. She tell them it’s not working and you are splitting. I was similar age and my mum decided to tell me why her and my dad split up (when I was a baby) I didn’t need to know. I resented being dragged into it and my little head couldn’t figure out how to react/behave around my dad.

Don’t go into detail - it’s not fair on them. Just tell
them you won’t be living together anymore but that you both love them a lot.

Please don’t tell them the reason. It’s not their problem to bear. Their relationship with their dad is separate to the marriage and needs to not be clouded by confusing thoughts about the split and any “blame”. I’d just say that Dad and I have jointly agreed we’d be much happier having two different homes and we love you very much etc

I’d wait until after Xmas, and they don’t need to know why at this age. Just say that you don’t love each other any more ( if the kids say he does love you, you can say that his actions don’t fit with that) and you will both be happier living apart. That you both love them and they will be blessed to see you both whenever they want.

I wouldn’t give any details. They are too young to understand the complexities. If you tell them that Daddy made a mistake and you can’t forgive him (quite justifiably) you will make them worry that if they do something wrong, you won’t forgive them either. As much as it feels unjust, you have to protect them. There will be a part of you that wants them to know that he is the guilty party, but it isn’t fair on them to put that on their shoulders. They can learn the truth when they’re older. x

Limp through xmas for the kids....After Xmas sometime mid or end of Jan do it

Honestly for now I'd just say daddy doesnt love mummy anymore, mummy is sad but she knows you shouldn't stay married if you dont love each other and its better for everyone if you divorce rather than all be unhappy.

Or something...

Dont make it some secret (daddy did something bad) and dont put the weight of it on them

OP, I told mine ( who were early/mid teens), that we just were better off also friends. That we could no longer be happy living together and that we all wanted to be happy. And that regardless of the situation both Mum and Dad loves them immensely. Yeah, there were questions but I maintained the ' happier apart' narrative. He cheated. I wasn't going to tell them that as he cheated on me, not them. He's still their Dad and loves them immensely. They have seen for themselves since some of his flaws. So they get it to a degree. Five years down the line everyone's good.

But agree with a PP, if you can, limp through this Christmas. My parents split just before Xmas and I still remember that feeling over that Christmas period to this day. That being said, if you really don't think you manage that, then I get it.

Please, please don’t do this. It’s so unfair on the children.

My boys weee similar ages when I split from their father. We sat them down together and told them that we simply didn’t want to live together anymore because we weren’t getting on, Although there was no infidelity involved in our case, we didn’t feel the need to share the details of who had done what or whose fault it was.

We made it clear that we were still a family of four, loved them very much, and that they would be involved in decisions about where they lived and could see either of us wherever they wanted.

They both coped really well and were more interested in whether we could finally get a puppy once dad had moved out!

I think you’re losing sight of the purpose of this conversation with your kids. It’s totally understandable that you want him to take responsibility and to own his failings but this isn’t the place for that.

Your question suggests that the desired outcome of this talk is that everyone accepts that your stbex is responsible for the breakdown of your marriage, without the children understanding why. The actual aim is to get out of the conversation with them feeling as ok as possible about this change with blame left out of it as far as possible.

If it helps, here are the three most likely outcomes of the conversation;

1. They are confused, but can tell from how you talk that someone is to blame so blame themselves. Kids are very prone to this.
2. You make it clear that it’s Dads fault and he is bad. But he’s a part of them so again they internalise blame themselves.
3. You explain that the relationship is over. No one is to blame it’s just a sad truth. You keep the focus on them and what this means for them.

This isn’t about you or him. Pick the best option for your kids.

This doesn't get to be about what's fair though.

By all means, shout from the rooftops to friends and family about all the ways you husband is an almighty twat, but your kids don't deserve that.

Their entire lives are about to be upturned, and how you handle this now is going to have repercussions for years to come.

If you don't handle this well, then every contact handover becomes stressful for them, because they know Mum hates Dad. Every Christmas concert, every parents evening, the day they go to university, their wedding day becomes about how to keep Mum and Dad separate.

One day, you can tell them more. Hell, they'll probably ask themselves, but right now, they're going to need as much stability as they can get. They need to know that despite the fact that Mum and and Dad have split up, they can still be friendly, still be in the same room together. They need to believe that they're not causing immense hurt for their parents by making them have to interact.

I agree with the posters who have said don't go into detail or that Daddy made a mistake as they will want to know the details of what that was. Far better to say you will be living in separate houses now as you get on better apart, but also as they've been used to him being away you could say it's more convenient for his work. Remind them that both of you still love them very much and that they can see him whenever they want.