My wife and I have been together for ten years. Our relationship functions in a straightforward way: we have no kids together but I have kids from a past relationship but they are grown up now. we each have our own hobbies, which we pursue independently, and we spend time together in between. We take luxury holidays and city breaks throughout the year, and the balance of independence and shared time generally works well. We maintain individual space rather than being constantly together.
From the beginning, aside from the initial honeymoon phase typical in most relationships, sexual intimacy has been a consistent issue. My wife has not shown initiative or self-driven desire in this area. Our pattern has involved temporary periods of increased effort followed by a return to her usual comfort level. There have been periods where we have gone months without physical contact. We have discussed this many times and attempted various approaches to address it.
At one stage, she told me she was bi-curious. I viewed this as a possible turning point. We attended a couple of clubs, where she eventually engaged with another woman, and the experience was positive. I believed this might create a desire in her to pursue intimacy more proactively. However, the relationship returned to its previous pattern soon afterwards.
In 2023, I was diagnosed with cancer during another period of low sexual intimacy. She was scheduled to take me to my surgery appointment. The day before the operation, we had an argument initiated by her without a clear cause, and she declined to take me to the hospital the next day. I arranged alternative transport with my father. The surgery was postponed, and I travelled home by bus. This event marked a significant moment in the relationship. Although I forgave her for this, I have not understood how someone could watch their husband walk out of the door to a cancer operation alone. There were other incidents during this period that showed a lack of empathy for my situation. Without detailing each one, the overall summary is that I felt I faced this period largely on my own.
Several months later, I began a 12-month treatment period. It was difficult, and during this time our relationship reached a low point. We came close to separating, but due to other pressures, I chose to continue with the marriage, as I did not feel I had the capacity to manage further challenges at that time.
My treatment concluded in January 2025. As of December, we continue to experience cycles of sexual activity followed by long periods without it. My personal circumstances have changed significantly this year: I have recovered from cancer, lost 6 stone, and reversed type 2 diabetes. I previously took 22 pills per day for cancer and diabetes and now take none. I have significantly more energy and a desire to live life fully. While I have progressed in these areas, the relationship dynamic has remained largely the same.
We have discussed these issues many times. Recently, I sent her a detailed message outlining all my thoughts. She acknowledged it but has not raised the subject since. My current view is that we may be in different places regarding outlook and priorities. When sexual activity does occur, it is typically brief and appears to be fitted in rather than initiated with enthusiasm.
My overall assessment is that she values the concept and appearance of marriage, but for reasons that are unclear, she does not appear to want to engage fully with the sexual aspect of the relationship. Despite years of conversations about this topic, I have not received a clear explanation. I have asked whether she might be a lesbian, which she says she is not. The most consistent reason she has given is that she is “just lazy.”
As a result, there is no intimacy in our relationship, and it feels more like a housemate dynamic. I want a relationship in which I can enjoy life with someone, look after them, and feel looked after in return. I acknowledge that my cancer experience has left some mental effects and has contributed to a shift in my outlook on life, but this was a turbulent period in which I faced the genuine possibility of the end of my life.
What I am asking for is a healthy sex life as a 46-year-old healthy man, am I being selfish?