How to cope with a massive drop in libido in partner?

[60sCoffeeTable]

The title is clumsy - I don’t know how else to phrase it.

My Partner is a wonderful man, I love him to pieces and I know he does me as well.

He lost a parent 6 months ago, and since then his libido has dwindled - more and more so.

I find this incredibly upsetting, as it’s dropped more and more I feel rejected and sad and frequently it makes me tearful (when I’m alone).

I absolutely do not want to make him feel bad about it. We had talked about it a couple of times - he has said thoughts of his parents intrude, it’s not me, it him etc. I am here for him and I don’t want to hurt him or make things about me.

But I am struggling and I don’t know how to handle this in myself. I’ve come here because I’m hoping for someone to be able to help me to help myself so that it doesn’t spill over and affect him. I’ve been in a horrible relationship where the man wanted sex all the time, and made me feel horrific for not wanting it, and took it by coercion and force. I know what that’s like and I would never ever want to make anyone else feel that way, ever. I felt utter contempt for that man, for what he did to me, and what he did, the way he treated me, killed any love or desire I had ever felt for him. This then becomes an intrusive thought in my own head - that my current partner might feel like that about me and that’s the reason, although logically I know it’s not.

It’s not even about sex in and of itself, but the intimacy of feeling close, and special and desired. Feeling the connection with this man who I love more than anything.

I know that I need to ride this out and find a way to make myself feel ok in the meantime without putting any pressure on my partner. That is what I want help/advice with. I know he needs time and to go through the grieving process to find his own way, and I am supporting him with this massively - I listen to him for hours, I am present with him in the way that he wants me to be, I am with him at every family event he needs to go to and finds hard.

I just feel so incredibly sad right now.

Bump

It’s not even about sex in and of itself, but the intimacy of feeling close, and special and desired. Feeling the connection with this man who I love more than anything.

are you still cuddling and kissing? Or is there no physical contact at all?

No help to offer OP I’m afraid other than give him time and it’s ok to tell him how you feel.

I’m just waiting for the first person to say he probably had his head turned.

How close was he to this parent? Everyone needs to grieve, but 6 months is starting to stretch it a bit (in a general sense). I may sound cynical, but he could be enjoying your attentiveness and care a bit too much? Either way, you should address this with him directly.

There is physical contact - I know I’m probably being unreasonable which is one reason I’m looking to fix myself so that I can give him the time and space he needs.

I think that maybe because of my own past experience I associate love with sex, and feel like all men are always gagging for it all the time so I’m feeling like it’s me, like he’s gone off me, even though logically I know it’s perfectly normal for sex drive to change in grief, and I know it’s not me.

I know for a fact he is not cheating and never ever would. That’s just not him. I know him very very well.

He had a tricky relationship with his parent, so there’s a lot of processing, and regret - realising too late what they did for him etc. Also ongoing family drama stuff and his remaining parent is suffering massively from loss and the family shit, and he says that is affecting him massively. Feeling guilty for being happy with me when his parent is unhappy and alone.

I think that maybe because of my own past experience I associate love with sex, and feel like all men are always gagging for it all the time so I’m feeling like it’s me

gently OP it's really not the case that all men are gagging for it all the time. It sounds as if you're saying and doing the right things as regards him but maybe you should speak to someone about you - equalling love and sex based on unhealthy past relationships isn't helpful for you at all

Merest hint of, say, job stress kills everything stone dead for me (M). grief would be much worse

This all may pass soon, but only a conversation with him will give you the answers you seek. We can only speculate.

Also 6 months without sex is a long time for most - I couldn't do it. Maybe you could discuss this directly? Or see if he is willing to open the relationship if this may be a long term thing?