after a chat with ex yesterday i'm worried what it will mean for my future relationship with my ds

[queenrollo]

sorry this is long, i just need to write it down to stop it swilling round my head quite so much.

i left my ex last year, and it's been amicable. In fact we've been getting on so well i can hardly believe my luck....but through it all we've held our ds'(he's nearly 3) best interests at heart.
Because my ex works away at weekends he has ds tues-thurs and i have him fri-monday.....
Because ex's business is run from the home we had together i moved out and he has kept the house....and one of the other reasons we decided that he should keep the house (rather than sell and split the money) is because it is ds home and it would be less upheaval for him during what must have already been a confusing time for him.
We'd always planned to home school him and so up til now, even though only seeing him for half the week has been very hard for me to come to terms with i've been ok with it because i thought i would always have this time with him and would still be able to have a good relationship with him
Yesterday my ex said he was going to look at the local nursery with a view to putting ds in for a few sessions (i did point out that we should check it out together, and was annoyed that this is the real reason ex has been pushing to potty train. why couldn't he just have been up-front with me about it)....and because this nursery is attached to the school. We have decided that we are going to send ds to school after all.....we think he needs the socialisation and structure of school. I have some knowledge of the local schools through my job and this is a very good school......
I cried in front of my ex (which he doesn't like,he can't cope when i display emotion) and said when ds goes to school it means i really will be reduced to just being a weekend mum.....and ex tries to console me by saying i can have him during the holidays too.
I know i have to put my son's interests first. Going to nursery and school will be good for him. Staying in a home he is familiar with gives him security......and if i decided i wanted to have him during the week he would never see his dad because of ex's work committments and that is not a option.
I'm just so worried that my ds is going to grow up to hate me for leaving (i left my ex NOT my son) and that having my time with him so drastically reduced is going to damage my relationship with him.
i come in for a lot of shocked looks and criticism already because i don't have my son with me all week....and mostly i deal with that ok because i see how happy my son is right now......but i just feel like this will get worse when he's at school and i only see him saturday and sunday. I'm at a loss where to find proper support for this because i don't know any other 'weekend' mums at all.
Thankyou if you got this far, i just needed to get it off my chest.

can't you have him sometimes during the week? like every other week have him monday to weds too?

dont forget once he's at school your ex will only see him in the evening whilst you get to spend whole days with him.

with regards to your son hating you, as long as you maintain regular contact with him I'm sure it will be fine. its not unusual for children to live with only one parent nowadays (although i know its usually with mum). he will know that its for the practical reasons you describe not because you didnt want him.

His statement about you "reduced to just being a weekend mum" sounds quite aggressive. Are you sure that things are still amicable? Perhaps it is time to reassess the situation. Do you want to have your son with you more? If your ex is working from home he can't see how he could be providing care for him during the day.

The house situation does not sound particularly fair unless it was his house before?

i won't be able to have him during the week because in a couple of months time i will be moving....i'll be about an hour away which means doing the school run with ds wouldn't be practical.
I have thought long and hard about this move, talked it through with everyone involved and i have to do it. The only thing here for me is ds......my new partner commutes and the extra hours drive would be too much (although he has said that in the future if it really is unbearable being away from ds we will move back and he will learn to cope with it)there are no work opportunties here for me and i need to be working because i will just sit in the house and sink into depression otherwise (been there, done that, hidden the t-shirt away in the back of the wardrobe)......
I am writing a diary for ds.....i talk about all the stuff we do at weekends and also how much i miss him and want him to be with me all the time. I want to be able to show him this in the future if he questions why i left.

sorry...that was my statement about being a weekend mum.
Ex has a recording studio at the house, which he is still in the process of building....but will be renting it out, and can then use it for his own recording purposes as and when it works round ds.....he is a professional musician so works away at weekends.
Ex bought me out of the house, so i got my fair share of it's value.....

And he's only going to be at school for 6 hours a day, so you'll still have him for 4 days a week (less 12 hours) and your ex will have him for 3 days a week less 18 hours.

So looking at it arithmetically, you'll always actually spend more time with your son than your ex does.

It's actually not that unusual to have shared care arrangements and it's to your and your ex's credit that you've managed to put your feelings to one side and do what's best for your son.

You're not a weekend mum and you need to stop putting that label on yourself. I think you're doing absolutely the best thing for your son in the circumstances.

Thankyou for that mumblechum......

i've been fretting about getting work to fit round my committments with ds and my new partner has said i don't have to work, he'll support me financially. All he cares about is that i can find a balance in my life that makes me happy, so i'm hoping to find a job that fits and if not i'll do voluntary work and start on an OU course to eventually build up to training to work in the area that interests me.

Ex and i are currently very flexible about time with ds.....i'm having him a couple of days early this week so that he can go to his dad's sat night to be there with him on Father's Day.I feel better for sharing this, my friends here just say i should take ds during the week and make ex fit around me.....but that would be doing a great dis-service to my son.

My aunty said to me last week about it being odd having him at weekends and i pointed out it's actually better....my dp is here too and we have the time to go out and do stuff. We took him to a festival last weekend and a county show to see motorbike stunts and dancing diggers a few weekends ago. My time with him is full of fun, laughter and activities he really enjoys doing. He wouldn't have that during the week.....i'd just be taking him to local toddler groups which don't offer him enough stimulation.
I just got in a spin after yesterday and i guess i've lost sight a bit of how good my time with him is...

Well, you are where you are. I don't want to sound unsympathetic, because obviously I don't know how you are feeling. It does sound like you and your ex have got things worked out, but I detect from the tone of your posts that there is something that you are not quite happy with. What is it you really want? Your ex does sound like he has a good deal, and as others have said, this arrangement isn't uncommon.

You mention that your new partner will support you if you no longer wish to work, and talk of plans to undertake an OU course. I'm not sure if you said in your post if this is something you want to do. Is it?

weekends and holidays are the best. you wont be the meanie making him get up early on the morning to go to school! you can be the nice one who takes him to the park and swimming.

serioulsy though if you are upset about this and have an amicable relationship with your ex couldnt you ask about having him an extra night just for dinner? then he can have back for bedtime? or an extra night a week?

Many of us who have children full-time don't really see our DC's that much during the week, they get up, go to school, come home,have dinner, go to bed!

As everyone else has said you'll see him more than your Ex anyway.

Personally I'd say don't move, I'd expect my partner to realise that my time with DS came first and as such, would expect them to either change their job, commute, or us not live together.

In theory you are making yourself a 'weekend mum' by moving, school isn't the issue here.

i've had a chat with dp about the future and moving etc.....

my current arrangements with ds are not going to change when he starts nursery....we are going to fit his sessions around that. The eventual plan is to find somewhere that is halfway so i am only 30 mins from ds instead of the hour.
I have to move.....not only because it cuts down my dp's commute time, but because there is no work where i am now...if i move then i will be closer to areas with job prospects for me. My dp has already changed jobs and moved 200 miles from where he was living.....he compromised on his job because the original offer would have meant us having to live at least 2 hours away and he knew that wasn't going to work, i'd be too far from ds.
My son does come first, in every decision i make....but i left my ex because i was unhappy and very depressed and this was having an effect on my son. I have to make some changes to my life so that i am happy too....and staying here where accomodation is appaling, and expensive and there is no work would eventually make me depressed again.
My wondrful dp has said that if when he starts school it really is unbearable to even 30 mins away then he will re-assess his work and we find a way to bring me nearer to my son.
I feel more positive about this all now....i've had an emotionally rough few days for many reasons and this was something i just didn't need to be dealing with and processing this week. Next week and i would have dealt with it much better.
Thankyou for your words and advice....i come here because i know i will get honesty as well as support....and i need both of those things.