Narcissistic abuse

[L0standalone]

My partner is a narcissist. I've known for some time and have been through the cycles many times. It's currently discard phase again.

Last discard I swore I wouldn't be back. He treated me so badly and yet I came back. Well more fool me. I'm now looking at being homeless. His house. He works, I don't.

I keep asking why and he comes out with vague stuff. Nothing tangible. I've asked if we can fix it. He just says no. We've been together 3 years. I'm 50 he's late 50s and had a long marriage before me.

I'd be grateful for any support

Bump. Please someone

Are you retired or are you able to work? do you have family you could stay with until you find somewhere else to live.

You go back to him because you need something and you hope he’s going to be able to meet those needs. In reality, he can’t, won’t or doesn’t.

So what do you need? Have a good long hard think. Think about the physical (a place to live, income, a bed to sleep in etc) and emotional (validation, affirmation, to be valued, to be adored, to feel accomplished etc). Look up lists of human needs online.

Start figuring out how to meet those needs yourself. You need income - look for a job. You need to be valued - start valuing yourself etc etc.

The more secure you feel within and by yourself, the less you’ll look to fantasies to complete you. You can’t fix him, you can’t fix a relationship between you and someone who acts like him. You can work on repairing your relationship with yourself, and from there you’ll be more in a place to build proper relationships with other people.

Is there a reason that you can’t work?

Do you have any of your own money/any savings?

What about family or friends that might be able to help you?

I presume you are living together? How is that working whilst you are currently not together?

Can you move out to stay with friends or family to give yourself some distance from him and support to help you get your life back on track?

Is his ex-wife still on the scene?

Where did you live before moving in with him? You've put yourself in a very vulnerable position so I suppose your priorities now are housing and a job and building your own security and not relying on someone else

Feels like you know this isn’t going to work. Reach out to family and find somewhere you can go. Often removing yourself is the best first step to sorting everything else out. And the hardest. But this is not a healthy cycle to be trapped in.

Instead of trying to figure him out, I think you should be trying to figure out why you are going back for more narcissistic abuse. If you can access therapy, you will find it helpful.

No idea why the anger is directed at me.. Leaving tomorrow for good

Good luck xx

Well. I left the bastard. Feeling ok. Better than constantly bracing and walking on eggshells. Baby steps but I need to.focus.on me..he'll beg me back but this time im done. Anyone going through this seriously. Find support and at some point you'll be past caring. These people are messed up.

At his age, he’s not going to change.
I should imagine his ex wife was abused throughout their marriage.
If he is a true narc, or has some narc tendencies he simply won’t care about you at all.
He is controlling and will throw crumbs at you to get you back in line. Then when he’s bored he will drive you away. Rinse and repeat.
At 50, you are not old. You are in a vulnerable position though.
Do you have somewhere to stay?
Are you physically able to do any type of work?
Do you have any type of support system?
If you keep going back to this man it will destroy you. You will be 60, and then 70, living with regret.
You have a chance now to make a life. What you are living now isn’t a life it’s like being in a prison.

Thank you. I can work but he wouldn't allow it. I don't have much support. I'm staying with family who really don't want me here. I'm trying to figure things out. I'm struggling tbh. Happy to be away from him though. I never knew people could be so evil. I'll never go back. Although I left him this time I think in 3 years he's discarded me 15 times. I won't fall for the next please help me story. He's blocked and filtered out on email as well. Pure evil. Yeah I bet she's so glad to be rid of the monster. I hope she takes as much as she can from the divorce. Evil, wicked bastard

Also meant to say. I told it what it is. A narcissist, an evil monster. I told that thing exactly what it is and that it will grow old alone. He agreed that he's evil. He laughed and said yeah, I know, I'm evil

It’s early days but you have a future. You are now allowed to work and have your own life. Have you posted before? Even if you aren’t on cloud nine elsewhere please don’t go back. And don’t engage with him.

I changed my username. I'm a regular poster..I'm sure Mumsnet HQ can confirm. I'll never go back. I see him with so much more clarity. As I walked with the last of my things he said have a good life. I just locked eyes and said we both know what you are. He's an evil person

I think I remember your story and none of us need proof from Mumsnet. This man is dangerous, don’t provoke him he will use it against you.

I hate that he gets to hoodwink everyone. He's has an SLT role at work and you should here him on calls. Charm personified. Although, he has had one member of his team fired recently with huge backing from HR who he twisted around his finger. The other guy had been there way before the narc. He's evil and enjoyed all the drama around that.

I’ve met the type, the are what they are. Part of the condition is that it is incredibly rigid and they don’t change.

I remember watching a psychologist or psychiatrist with a Dr title saying that he didn’t have enough tools to fix a narcissist.

I remember thinking well if he doesn’t have the tools with all of that psychology education then I definitely don’t stand a chance.

It would do well for the average Joe to accept that about narcissists.

Before I met him I had no idea these petealked among us. I had no bloody clue. Such an eye opener

The videos by Dr Ramani on narcissistic abuse and recovery from it are very good. https://www.youtube.com/doctorramani

You have to get over the desire to tell them they are evil/narcissistic/explain/justify/defend your actions etc. Since you have no kids, go no contact. That is the only way.