Emotionally unavailable men on dating apps

[Sunshine386]

I've dated a couple of men from online dating for a few months where it has taken the same pattern. Strong interest from them at first and we seemingly get on, which eventually ends up where they text me but it ends up being me having to take the reigns and suggesting dates and things to do and the heavy lifting in the relationship. Their effort deteriorates to putting in the bare minimum and they don't tell me how they feel about me, eventually fading out by postponing seeing me and sometimes ghosting. It comes across to me to be deep signs of emotional unavailability and avoidant attachment or fear of commitment by that point I would think.

I wondered if I come across as too nice and accommodating and if people want to test how much they can get away with, however I also don't want to be too no nonsense with people when dating and analyse every text from men in online dating. How do people identify these types in online dating who are simply useless when it comes to building something long term? I just want to meet someone nice, but people eventually seem like they are avoiding spending time with me, don't want connection, and stringing me along. You also seem to get the types who come across in chats and early dates as being very busy with work and hobbies, which I certainly avoid because I perceive that those things will be used as excuses to not see you. Presumably there must be men who dont want to be in a life of singlehood and want a partner out there.

I've been told by others I would be better to meet someone through an activity in person, and whilst I'm happy to do that, I'm well into my 30s and my experience of doing different activities is that you don't necessarily meet people with dating potential from them, you meet people who like that activity and are all ages, genders, and not necessarily single etc.

Is it not just that they aren’t interested?

Around 25% of all people, male and female are either married or in relationships. Take it with a pinch of salt.

One woman told me on a dating site that she had no intention of meeting someone; going on there and going through the process was just an ego boost. It's all smoke and mirrors.

I found getting out and meeting people was better for myself and my confidence.

I experienced the same thing, got fed up of trying and been single several years now.

A lot of them are addicted to their phones and need a constant ego boost.

Sadly, I think once you get past 30, the men in that sort of age bracket that are available are mostly unavailable in one way or another. Either time wise, emotionally, attitude or married/in a relationship, just looking for a shag.

The good ones, the needles in the haystacks, are gone. IF they're in there, they get snapped up super fast.

I don't know what the solution is for women who still want a partner. I got fed up with the constant shit and am now happily and permanently single.

That is OLD really! Thick skin and resilience

The reality is the majority of genuinely single men who are datable is absolutely tiny. I’m 35 and I’ve been single years, I no longer date because I don’t think it’s worth the hassle, but when it comes to dating apps the majority of guys on them just aren’t going to be great.

Do you go into it thinking that now you've swiped right on each other, you have a commitment/obligation to see things through?

See you speak about heavy lifting as if something HAS to be lifted.

Echo @ForTipsyFinch, final straws have been, a man crying about his ex at the messaging stage expecting me to listen attentively, men sending pictures of their bumholes, men saying they would like to meet up, keep communicating but they have 'nothing to give emotionally', men who are too busy working but want female attention, men who want women to be so small and not ask anything of them, men who refuse to send pictures of themselves (selfies of face nothing more) before meeting up and then arguing with me when I said I wouldn't be meeting up with them as I wanted to make sure I wasn't being scammed or catfished. The list goes on....it's really grim out there, I put an end to OLD and chose peace.

It goes both ways. Male, no crying over ex, only ever sent a rude pic to a LT partner at their request, emotionally available but have met many women who are not emotionally ready or who keep changing minds about what they want.

All I wanted to do when OLD was chat briefly on app, meet for drinks and go from there. Looking for something LT and exclusive but that was hard to find!

I think you're overthinking it. They're not avoidant or afraid of commitment, they're just not that interested. But they probably think that if you're going to keep chasing and showing interest, then they may as well maintain the bare minimum because there's a chance of having a shag there.

Stop chasing when they're not putting equivalent effort in, you're only wasting your time there.

@Sunshine386 they are out there, they just aren’t divorced yet 😂 the younger ones are hanging out at the gym trying to look like something from towie, the older ones are either happily married or stuck in lonely relationships, i also think that a lot of men on online dating sites are probably only after one thing. Not saying that online dating can’t work as i’m living proof that it can, although admittedly it may be going a bit stale now after nearly 20 years.

I find that there’s a certain type on OLD who seem really keen to chat. Will text all day. But don’t suggest meeting or if you suggest it will stall or they might meet once and then keep chatting but not want to meet again.

It is easy to get sucked into this as they seem interested and have good chat.

It might be because they’re in a relationship already or because they’re not actually that interested but like attention. But I don’t think you can second guess it.

But my rule now is that if someone isn’t proactively arranging a date within a few days I walk away. Where I’ve met men and it has gone somewhere they have always arranged a second date immediately after the first.

I have had plenty of good experiences amongst the bad though.

Online dating works if you are extremely lucky. It’s literally like winning the lottery.
I met close to 200 guys from dating sites over 15 years. Obviously most were just one date, very few ended up in relationships. I met my current bf of 2 years online. He is a good man, bless him, but really struggles to connect emotionally and has very poor conflict resolution skills. I’m so torn between staying with him for an average future or ending it and risking a lonely future. I just don’t think I’ll meet anyone else if I break up with him. I don’t think I have the emotional resilience to go back to online dating. It was such a mindfuck

@Gabitule from experience if he struggles to connect emotionally i think your situation might actually end up with you feeling lonely in a relationship, which is a horrible place to be. I’ve convinced myself that i’d rather be lonely on my own than to be lonely laying next to someone i love. I just haven’t dealt with it yet.

Try much less. You take the reins often- don’t. If a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen.

That's uninterested men. Unemotional men will spend time with you. then you spending time with them, will invove an emotional removal.