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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't have the energy to fight my corner

16 replies

covfefe18 · 06/12/2025 23:00

Just that really. I am feeling increasingly drained by the arguments my husband and I have. He has this habit of going off on long and cutting monologues where my ADHD brain can't follow them enough to make a succinct rebuttal. It's also because I feel my opinion is never valid and is always shot down. He rarely apologises and I am just so, so tired.

Often he will send me follow up comments through WhatsApp and they are often about me needing some sort of help or counselling. Whilst he does try and see my point of view and at times can be empathetic, it's usually a finger pointing exercise.

I'm not trying to drip feed, I just genuinely don't have any energy to stand up for myself anymore. Is this normal? Do some people just get through their silly spats by just letting the other person think they've won just because it's sometimes easier?

OP posts:
DierdreDaphne · 06/12/2025 23:02

Not normal at all. He peculiarly unpleasant.

Snorydog · 06/12/2025 23:02

He sounds horrid, sorry OP

DierdreDaphne · 06/12/2025 23:08

To elaborate slightly, he is bullying you. His behaviour is abusive. And you don't have to accept it.

TalulahJP · 06/12/2025 23:21

Hes conditioning you to not try and object to whatever he says and you should just do as your told as youre deranged.

None of that’s true. It’s manipulation. Dump him.

Endofyear · 06/12/2025 23:54

It sounds like he has ground you down with his bullying behaviour. You need to dig deep, find your strength and get yourself away from him for good. You'll have more energy and find your mojo again when he's out of your life!

IBelieveInUnicorns34 · 07/12/2025 08:41

He's abusive and it has nothing to do with your ADHD. Women's Aid?

RosesAndHellebores · 07/12/2025 08:44

Providing it's safe for to to do so, he really only needs a two word answer. It begins and ends in F.

Is there anyone you can stay with to emotionally recover a bit? Your mum?

Notmyreality · 07/12/2025 08:57

Your reaction as someone with adhd to an argument as described is normal - not being able to keep up, articulate a response in time and either shut down or spout nonsense in the heat of the moment. Also common for some people, men or women, to try and explain and resolve things with long detailed messages where they can better articulate their thoughts. Without knowing the content of the messages it can’t be stated if your DH is bullying or abusive. You clearly have very different personalities and communication styles, which may be the root cause of your issues. You may just be incompatible? The real question is how much do your argue, what about and why?

NoWomanNoRedRedWine · 07/12/2025 09:13

I am reading a book “Shatterproof” right now and it sounds like you are at the end of your resilience but it’s a good thing that you have recognised. This cannot go on…

What happens next is up to you. Think what happens if you do nothing because you are beaten down emotionally. Think what happens if you make changes. It’s important to decide what you want within your influence because you cannot change him.

Isadora2007 · 07/12/2025 09:43

@covfefe18 can you share an example of a WhatsApp so we can see what kind of tone it has or the issues as without context it is hard to figure out if he is being an abusive arse. Or perhaps he is a chronic overthinker and is trying to explain and over explain as he is misreading your silence as a cue for him to continue in an attempt to get a response? Is he also ND? If he is suggesting counselling would he attend couples counselling with you to see that your relationship needs support and work and it’s not a “you” problem?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2025 09:55

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I doubt very much that such a man would ever think he needs counselling because he is right and OP is wrong. He is using her ADHD against her and that is despicable. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it is about power and control and he wants absolute here. OPs energies would be well spent here in contacting Womens Aid.

IBelieveInUnicorns34 · 07/12/2025 14:42

Notmyreality · 07/12/2025 08:57

Your reaction as someone with adhd to an argument as described is normal - not being able to keep up, articulate a response in time and either shut down or spout nonsense in the heat of the moment. Also common for some people, men or women, to try and explain and resolve things with long detailed messages where they can better articulate their thoughts. Without knowing the content of the messages it can’t be stated if your DH is bullying or abusive. You clearly have very different personalities and communication styles, which may be the root cause of your issues. You may just be incompatible? The real question is how much do your argue, what about and why?

Edited

You don't have a lot of experience working with emotional abuse victims, do you? Not being able to gather thoughts, think clearly and formulate response in a situation where partner keeps on their monologue which is followed by multiple messages, shots down her respinses and never apologizes really do not scream ADHD in this context.

Meadowfinch · 07/12/2025 14:44

No, not normal. I'd rather be single than put up with abusive bullying.

Why are you with such a horrible person?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/12/2025 14:48

He sounds vile. If this is a regular occurrence, I’d be making plans so it doesn’t happen again.

He is a bully and is abusive. You don’t meet or deserve this.

Moonlightfrog · 07/12/2025 14:51

It is normal….in an abusive relationship.

All opinions are valid, no opinion is wrong, so he should respect and listen to your opinion and not knock you down.

he is gaslighting you into thinking you are the issue and that you have mental health issues…just because he doesn’t like that you don’t agree with him or that you opinion is different to his.

Its normal to feel exhausted and unable to fight back…when you are in an abusive relationship, you need to find the energy to leave because you are worth so much more.

Notmyreality · 07/12/2025 14:51

IBelieveInUnicorns34 · 07/12/2025 14:42

You don't have a lot of experience working with emotional abuse victims, do you? Not being able to gather thoughts, think clearly and formulate response in a situation where partner keeps on their monologue which is followed by multiple messages, shots down her respinses and never apologizes really do not scream ADHD in this context.

Show quote history

I have a lot of experience with adhd. Op literally states she has adhd.
Stop trying to change the narrative to fit your agenda.

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