kids dad just turned up after months and i don't know what to do

[shoesonthestairs]

hi i dont even know if this is the right place to post but im shaking a bit

so kids dad has just turned up out of no where after MONTHS of not hearing a word and i honestly thought he’d done one for good this time

i was just getting the littles ready for bed and he knocked the window like he always used to and ds ran to the door and i didnt even know what to say i just froze

he looks rough and he said hes been staying with a mate and he wants to see the kids properly now and that hes going to sort himself but ive heard all this before

i said he cant just walk in and out when he wants and he started going on about how im turning them against him which im not i dont even hardly talk about him to them anymore

dd wouldnt even look at him she just went upstairs but ds was crying saying he wants daddy to stay and it made me feel awful

i told him he needs to message before turning up and he said his phone is smashed and then asked if he could come in for a brew but it didnt feel right so i said no and he got annoyed and walked off up the street

now i dont know if i should of let him in or if im right to stand my ground i feel like i cant do anything right

what do i do next if he comes back again because i know he will

You did the right thing.
Get legal advice.

Depends on the circumstances of his leaving. Was there abuse? Did he just disappear? Did you sling him out? There's a lot of missing info here. If he was abusive and the police were involved, call them again before things escalate.

No, he can't just turn up any time he wants to see the kids after months and months of not being there. He will upset everyone.
He needs to smarten himself up and arrange sensible times and dates that suit the children's routine or even supervised access.
Send him packing with this message.

Dont let him in. He’s probably needing somewhere to stay. Access by arrangement only. Contact centre first so the children can feel safe with him and make sure he sticks around but not at your home.

You absolutely did the right thing! How immature can men be, how irresponsible towards their own kids? Very sad. You need him to know in the future this can’t happen. I’d take this seriously. There are ways to figure out his relationship with the kids and this is not it. He needs to know this absolutely is not it. I’d talk to experts who know the law.

I don't know the details, don't know the circumstances I don't know the age of the kids, I don't know why he left,
but you ARE doing the right thing to protect the kids.
And yourself!

do not let him in.

If he comes again, write a note saying he needs to arrange contact through a mediation service and tell him to get them to contact you.

You must be so shaken up. But you are doing the right thing. Your DC deserve a stable consistent parent and that is you. He needs to prove he can do the same if he wants to be part of their lives or he can get stuffed.

You can explain to DS that there are processes to follow for parents who come in and out of their DC's lives which have been designed by grown ups with a lot of experience in this area and that they are designed to help DC and make sure that DC are well treated. Tell him that his Dad needs to follow these processes. He will be sad of course but you can help him manage his emotions. Reach out to school for support too.

You did absolutely the right thing. I’d put money on him wanting a bed for the night or longer. Your job is to protect your kids and you’ve done that brilliantly. You have pushed back on his completely unreasonable request. He can arrange to see them in advance so you can prepare them.

Next time he does that just ignore him pretend you’re not in and if he knows you’re in ignoring him continue ignoring him

I was reading about outcomes for kids of single parents (being a single parent myself), and kids do better either when there is regular planned contact with both parents, or if they accept there will be 0 contact from one parent so they can move on. The worst outcomes usually are for those kids whose parents are inconsistently in their lives, dropping in when they feel like it. It derails their life and they understand the other parent can't be bothered.

Obviously there are exceptions, but my point is you 100% did the right thing by holding your ground. Tell the father he needs to attend mediation so a formal agreement can be arranged about visiting. You definitely don't need to allow him in your home either way.

Along with all the other excellent advice, I’d train your kids not to answer the door to him or let him in the house. He doesn’t live there and you don’t know where he’s been or if there are bad circumstances around his returning. It’s not safe to let him in the house.

You absolutely did do the right thing. No, he can't just turn up when he feels like it, and expect to see the children. If he wants to see the children, he then needs to agree with a contact order arrangement, so it's official and formal. If he doesn't have anywhere to stay, then he needs the contact to be supervised in a contact centre. I don't know the circumstances but it sounds as if your ex isn't reliable, working and has nowhere permanent to live. This isn't suitable for the children, which is why the contact needs to be supervised and in a contact centre. Given his disheveled appearance, my feeling is that he probably had nowhere to stay for the night, and thought he'd use the excuse of seeing the children, as a way of coming into your home. He'd have then asked to stay in front of the children, putting you in a difficult position, so you'd feel bad and say yes. So no, don't invite him in!! He's likely using the children to manipulate you, and it gives the children false hope. I doubt he'll be back.