help I am overwhelmed and down...I feel as whoever I prioritise I am letting everyone else down.

[mindfulmama]

I have 3v lovely dc, 2 of whom have special needs and a v sweet dh who works loads of hrs but does try to be supportive. Its just that what with my work ( 3 school length days) and the DC, I have no spare resources and am off sex completely. When I finally get to bed I want to read for a bit then sleep but Dh is keen. I feel bad, cos I am v fond of him but can't do it. I have to juggle a v interesting demanding job which I love, with caring for my kids whom I adore, but who are v high maintenance because of their needs. we have no practial support and can only go out once every 3 months when the local hospice babysit for us. When I am at work I am conscious of all that has to be done at home but sometimes I am so busy and engaged that i forget for a bit and then feel guilty. When I am at home I am often contacted by work and feel aware of all that needs doing there.... I have a medical condition which means I have chronic pain and whilst it is manageable I just don't wnat to be manhandled after a long day with the kids all over me!!! Any advice oh you wise people...??

I'm sure that many people feel the same (e.g. me!) but without the calls on our time and energy that you have.

Having said that, I wish there was something I could suggest.

I do think that getting out as a couple once every 3 months is not enough. I think men can feel in the mood regardless of circumstances but women need to feel more emotionally intimate/involved. Couples can become like ships that pass in the night, even though they are both living in the same house, especially if they are both caught up in the everydayness of caring for young/special needs children.

Is the hospice the only place which can offer respite? Any way of getting away overnight, or is that just a dream? You do sound as if you could use a break away from chores and obligations, to pamper yourself and rediscover each other.

That's all really tough.

As a total stranger, I'd ask- is there any way you can change your job or cut down? Can you put an end to phone calls at home in the evening? seems a bit of an imposition.

Can you afford any help at home or even a baby sitter apart from the hospice?

Can you try to put one evening a week away just for you two - kids in bed early ?

You just sound over loaded- 3kids, demanding job, health issues- no wonder you don't want sex.

Apart from getting help at home, reducing your hours I can't see what you can do.

You are kind. I have to work, partly for the money but also really to keep sane, otherwise illness would rule our house! I love my job but because I have to do school hours I kinda feel I have to be contactable after that because what I do is so specialist. Part of the problem is that our Dc medical situation means that even tho we have tried to advertise for babysitters noone wants to take on such high risk situation, hence the hospice. THey shouldn't really even do it but have bent the rules for us. The social worker can't help ( they offered us a shed for my husband to get away from it al in!!!!! hahaha what cheek. ) I have asked for a cleane but they won't do it! We had direct payments but had to give them back as we couldn't find anyone to pay!
Sad bit is the kids are now approaching secondary school so the evenings get longer...I am so tired!

I don't want yu to take this the wrong way, but you DO have the choice over what to do to make things better.

Whilst you might be a specialist- what do you do out of interest?- you are NOT indispensible and are entitled to a family life/time. Can you screen your calls? Can you not ask that you are not contacted after work in order to preserve your sanity?

I actually work with people on their stress and work-life issues- there is always an answer BUT you have to be prepared to make changes, which at the moment might seem unachievable.

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE? Less work? More time out of the house? You need to focus on the one thing and find a solution- it is there. But you have to let goof something which at the moment you are holding onto.

A cleaner- don't understand your comment- do you mean ss won't pay- or do you mean you can't find anyone yourself?

What about friends who could babysit?

I think you really have to try to find some solutions as otherwise this could go on for another 6-7 years.

Do you not belong to any local support groups for your children's special needs? Are there no other local mums who would swap babysitting with you?

There are answers, but you need to make a mental shift in order to find them.

thanks for your kind thoughts. YOu will laugh if I tell you what I do... I am a consultant psychologist! Well respected and in demand ha ha ha. The calls I get are for emergencies which goes with the role. I could change my job but then we would be poorer which we can't afford, we just scrape by as it is ( DH is a teacher, just retrained so at bottom of scale)and I would lose the one bit of me that is not to do with our own situation. I have tried all avenues for babysitting. Even dear friends whoi are kind won't do it becos of the risk with my DS who is v fragile. Perhaps I smile too much. I gave up on support groups as it ends up that you spend all your time with people who have problems and I get that anyway at home and work. Noone has been able to give us the break we need and it is not for wnat of trying. SS have been pathetic. They comne round and sigh! I am sure there would be a change i could do, one sw said that if I left my dh I would get loads of support. Oh great!! I don't want to leave him! he is lovely. I am trying to find a cleaner that does a good enough job for the mobey they ask... that is my mission this week! ( yet I can hear my Mum in the background doing virtual tutting... what a slapper/ slovenly person I must be not to do it myself!)

I am sorry that you have tried everything! I can see that work is your lifeline in many ways.But I am still thinking that there is an answer somewhere! But you do deserve more time to yourself and as a couple.

Be really honest- how much are you expected to be "on call"? Not disagreeing with you- just trying to ask if you are being too accommodating- this might be asking tmi but are you private or NHS? In my work I have had contact with psychs, and wonder what happens that can't wait til the next day. Make sure you are not being too available.

Could you try setting up your own support group-or a babysitting group for parents of kids with s needs? Could you family not help you and have the kids now and then?

Are your children's s needs psychological or physical? I don't want to pry but what is it about your DS that means people won't babysit?

Don't feel guilty over getting a cleaner- that's crazy.

IF there is simply no solution to the babysitting have you thought about you and DH each getting away on your own for a break- just a long weekend with friends, maybe being pampered somewhere? Or can you carve out some time for yourself over a week- just one night out with friends, or doing something you enjoy? You need a break!!!!!

You have my greatest sympathy, mindfulmama. I had a very similar situation with my xh. Always too tired and really didn't need people climbing over me when 6 kids had been doing it all day. Unfortunately, he thought I didn't fancy him and he ended up having strings of affairs, until I chucked him out after 14 years. The pain of it was awful for both of us.

Could you decide, in your head, one night a week, when you would be most up for a bit of fun? Perhaps the weekends are less work-orientated than the week, and you could relax more? I think you have perhaps forgotten your female self in amongst all the work and responsibility, and it is very difficult to switch from one role to another at the end of a long day. Can you summon up your inner goddess that used to be there when you were younger and more carefree? Could you take her out and dust her down for the day? Walk around like the whole world fancies you (you know how we used to when we were 19? lol). Plan a nice meal (takeaway - no effort) and prepare to surprise the life out of your dh? When you put the choice back in your own hands as to whether or not you fancy sex, instead of being scared that dh is going to try to talk you into it at the end of a long day, you will be more in the mood because you have the control.

You sound a very nice lady, but you need to make a bit of time to let your husband know that you love him in the way that he wants you to (I know you probably don't have any energy to give, but marriages are often the thing we let slide because we expect our dp to always support us. We expect them to always be there, but that isn't always the case, as I found out to my very great cost). Wishing you well.

Ooh I thought you were me writing this.

(Also have 3 kids including one with SN that are very difficult to accomodate and also work). I know exactly what you mean about feeling run ragged.

Only one thing that might help. _ Direct Payments. We've also had problems finding someone that can look after ds1 (we managed eventually) but I use a big bulk of my dps to pay for an extra pair of hands during school holidays. So although I never get a break it isn't always on me iyswim- sometimes it's shared. That does help.

Also I'd suggest advertising in PMLD schools. The people there who are very used to dealing with children with severe medical needs - for example sometimes when I put ds1 on his school bus there;s a child having a seizure- it's just dealt with, they time it. If it's getting close to the 10 min mark (or however long it is they can leave it) then they pull over and give the medication. No panicking or flapping. The teaching assistants in PMLD schools are often looking for extra work.

Also locally if you child is very difficult to find services for then SS will allow you to bed the rules a bit with dps. For example SS allow me to pay to put ds2 and ds3 in holiday club so I can take ds1 out. It just adds another layer of flexbility. I know not all SS are as accomodating but it's worth asking.

I'm still too knackered for sex in the evening though

you are all so kind. Part of the probelm is my ds has serious purely medical needs, but is at mainstream and v bright. When we tried on 3 diff occasions to interview all the carers who came wanted to do feeding/bathing etc not be a pair of eyes/hands/ears for me. they literally scarpered when they met the kids! Even tho our adverts had said what the situation was when it was clear that it was complex but NOT LD they didn't want to know. Mad hey. The other special need dc is MH related,coming from high anxiety, due to living with a sib who could drop dead at any time! Or not.
YOu are right that I need to try to feel gorgeous for DH but it is hard. Am past my prime, going grey, wrinkly and south !!!
iykwim!!

Despite all that I adore my family and they are such survivors with great charm and resilience. It is just hard sometimes.

With work there are some times when I could tell people to wait and I will try to do that more. I do think I need to be helpful too much! Am definitiely getting a cleanere now!
YOu have been so suportive, I am new to this whole thing but I can see why people like it!
Thank you.
I like the idea of putting the kids in a fun holiday club paid by SSD that is a new plan for me to try. Thank you.

Oh and so sorry LIttlemama for your troubles. YOu sound v brave and a megacoper.
xx

Ok this is my only day off this week and I have had 3 calls already sio I have said NOT TO CALL unless it is emergency. Are't I learning fast!!!

You are doing great!

I was working with someone in a hospital setting a while back- medical social worker with mega caseload and very stressed. In the end she was able to be assertive and say to the consultants "sorry but I cannot physically do any more in my day and I am not taking any more work home with me,". She prioritised her caseloads and started to look after HER!

If you don't look after you, then no-one will and you won't be any use to your kids or DH.

You need to be assertive- tell work that you will not take calls at home unless it is a matter of life or death- you know what I mean. it is psychology yes, not psychiatry? I don't see how it can be THAT urgent that 24 hrs makes a difference.

You have got to take control of this.

On you days off, why not treat yourself to something? Get your self a good hairdresser, have some colour put in your hair maybe? Treat yourself to some new make-up etc- doesn't have to cost a lot. It's all about attitude! Just put YOU higher up the list for a change.

Sorry if this sounds preachy, but I just want you to feel better!

You're getting some great advice here about things on the larger scale.

My only suggestion to add would be on a smaller scale, what about making time for you and dh at home.

Forgetting all the chores now and again. Getting the children to bed. Lovely (favourite) meal. Some wine. Put some music on you both like. Talk. Relax. Look at old photos. Talk about your hopes and dreams. Go to bed together.

I don't mean that to sound naff.
And believe me, I completely understand how you feel and how shattered you are at the end of each day.

But as well as a mum and an important professional, you are a wife too. And it sounds like both you, and your dh, are missing out on that special valuable time as a couple
You may not be able to squeeze much 'couple' time in.

But speaking from experience, it is just as important as every other thing you have on in your life. Please don't forget that.

Even the small things can make a massive difference.

Good luck.

I'm not surprised you are too tired for sex at the end of your day. I am in the same situation apart from the fact my DCs don't have SN. So I take my hat off to you!

And DH has been living in a sexual desert for a few years now...although things improved recently when I finally stopped BFing. But it's still hard to make myself want sex. I don think that couple time is important - and sex improves a relationship But you need time for yourself before you can find anything to give to DH. That is just as important, otherwise you are forcing yourself to be with him rather than wanting to be.

Well my dears I have done the weekly shopping, cleaned the house, got my sons birthday sorted, booked a cleaner and said no to work calls ( except the suicidal/ despereate/urgent assessment ones... even psychologists get those!) So thank you for your support. i am sitting here filled up with tears now, which is daft,but you are so right. I think in all of this I have got a bit lost and so DH has been missing a bit of me too. He wd be up for passion everyday and I just about manage once a month !!! He is stil lovely to me... but I will try to make myself prioritise us time... its just hard when the kids are up at 5 and the last of them doesn't go to sleep until 10.30!!! Hey ho thank you kind people, it just gave me the extra push to realise its not selfish to change things a bit. Hm can't stop crying now and have to get kids in a minute. Bother.

I am going to try to make myself buy some new clothes, not from charity shops for once, that would be good. Any hints for good sources for a professional woman of a certain age ?? Twinset? Tweed? I hope not!!!

Oh, bless your heart. Hope some lovely times are on the way to you (((hug)))

Dry your tears my dear and start that make over!

Clothes- don't know what you like, but I'd have a look at Jigsaw, ( my favourite), Kew, Monsoon, Hobbs, Next and so on.
Depends a bit on whether you want a suit-look or a more smart casual look.

Good luck!

someone once told me to just stop for twenty mins /half an hour when dp comes home...have a beer and some thing snacky to eat together before getting on with the whole evening shift of baths etc

i found it great advice

im soo glad that you have found mumsnet...you can do similar trouble shooting in teh style section
x

Beans, that is cool advice, but I think the DC read it first cos that is what they do!!! But we can adapt it and go for a bit of a wind down before the rev up to bedtime..
THank goodness for Sunglasses, pulled off the pickup with no enquiries as to my wellbeing!!!

You guys are awesome. Why did I not do this MN before!!! I will now have to go on the style thread....
OMG is this addictive?
xxx

Sorry, Mindful, I posted last night then cleared off to bed.

I had to smile when I saw your profession - me too [shifty emoticon] - but don't tell anyone else or my cover is blown.

It was very freeing when a new colleague arrived to take up a promoted post with us and was appalled to find that when people asked, we jumped and they got instant service. Said colleague pointed out we are not the fire brigade and clients could easily wait. This "We are not the Fire Brigade" became a bit of a mantra. Why don't you adopt it, too?

Repeat after me "I am not the Fire Brigade.....I am not the Fire Brigade..."

Oh and yes, MN is vv addictive. See you over in the Style section.

Hi probaslyth... OMG what a confession. Nice to know I am not alone. Trouble is my specialty bears no realtion to my life so its hard to put theory into practice here. Glad I am not alone.. feel really empowered this morning! I am not the FIRE BRIGADE!!!!! I think it is so easy to turn into a rescue service esp as I work in a v small team with a massive caseload ( oh but isn't that all of us...??) I am off to do a presentation at a conference tomorrow which is a real boost ( but if only they knew who I really was..!) and then its back for Sweeney TOdd with DH. Hopefully a good precursor to closeness if the DC will go to sleep! see u in style bit
xxx